


Bound By Kismet

by abeautifullie3



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Future, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, Here There Be Triggery Things, Hurt/Comfort, Instances of Sexual Aggression w/ Shades of Dub-Con (more verbal than physical – no hitting/etc.), M/M, Minor Mentions of Dub-Con, No Real-Life Family Members of J2 Used, Past Underage Rape, Repressed Memories, Rimming, Schmoop, Very Minor and Brief Bondage, mentions of non-con drug use, “Self-Slavery”/Indentured Servitude Society
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-27
Updated: 2019-02-26
Packaged: 2019-11-06 04:12:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 67,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17932595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abeautifullie3/pseuds/abeautifullie3
Summary: In 2087, the world's a little different.  MP3 players have been replaced with voice activated ear buds, farming is done almost entirely by machines, and "Self-Slavery" is acceptable and fairly common.Despite finding the idea unsavory, 32-year-old corporate bigwig Jensen – who sucks at sustaining relationships – agrees to a Convict Proprietor Contract with 26-year-old photographer Jared – serving five years for a crime he took the fall for.Divine Destiny, or The Cruel Hand of Fate?Both haunted by their pasts – Jensen with one he couldn't remember, and Jared tormented by one he only wanted to forget – the two men's lives converge in a way neither could ever imagine.Will dark secrets shatter the delicate friendship they manage to build?  Or will the two men find their way to a happiness neither was even looking for?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Bound By Kismet
> 
> SPN J2 Big Bang 2012
> 
> by
> 
> abeautifullie3
> 
>  **Title:** Bound By Kismet  
>  **Author:** ~Boo aBeautifulLie3  
>  **Artist:** gassadaa  
>  **Categories:** Supernatural Fandom RPF-AU, Slash, Hurt/Comfort, Romance  
>  **Characters/Pairings:** Jensen/Jared, Very brief mentions of Jensen/OC's and Jared/OC's, OC's  
>  **Rating:** NC-17  
>  **Word Count:** 66,000+
> 
>  **Warnings and/or Enticements:** Here There Be Triggery Things: Past Underage Rape, Repressed Memories, Instances of Sexual Aggression w/ Shades of Dub-Con (more verbal than physical – no hitting/slapping/etc.), Minor Mentions of Dub-Con, Very Minor and Brief Bondage, Mentions of Non-Con Drug Use, Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Rimming, Schmoop, Happy-Ending…really, No Real-Life Family Members of J2 Used
> 
>  **Disclaimer:** The story is mine. Jensen and Jared, not mine. :::pouts:::  
>  To the best of my knowledge, **absolutely none** of this has happened outside of my vivid imagination. Pity…at least the (consensual) naughty bits.  
>  Perhaps not flesh and blood, the characters within are very much unique individuals unto themselves.  
>  The views held by the characters are not necessarily my own, and I most certainly can not claim for them to belong to the real Jensen Ackles or Jared Padalecki.  
>  While, on occasion, I may use a few factual tid-bits belonging to the Js, nothing in this story is meant to represent the real men beyond general appearance, and no harm is intended by using the Js names/likenesses in my creative works.  
>  (Seriously. I would never want to upset Jared or Jensen, and would promptly change the names or take down the story if asked.)  
>  No real-life family members of J2 are used in this fic.
> 
> **I ask that my work not be remixed, reworked, translated, or reformatted in any manner without my permission. With exception to the summary, header information, and brief excerpts, my work also may not be re-posted or distributed elsewhere in large part or in whole. Thank you.**
> 
> (Author's Notes and Soundtrack following Epilogue.)
> 
> Originally written for the 2012 spn_j2_bigbang on LJ, and posted here::: https://abeautifullie3.livejournal.com/70456.html
> 
>  
> 
> Customized PDF with Art::: [PDF!Click Me](http://www.mediafire.com/file/kyorx77ay0a4m05/Bound_By_Kismet_-_Custom_PDF_with_Art_-_2019_Updated.pdf/file)
> 
> _**Artwork by gassadaa** _

Bound By Kismet

Chapter One

_**12 Years Earlier** _

     Jensen weaved between clusters of fellow college students, friends and strangers alike, until he found a nice, solid wall to prop himself against. He knew he'd been drinking too much. Always did at the weekend keggers. Still, some yet unmuzzied part of his brain realized it wasn't enough to account for just how fucked-up he felt.

     "Hey, Ackles. You doin' alright, pal?" someone slapped him on the shoulder as they asked him the question. They sounded a million miles away.

     "Yeah, yeah, 'm good. Think I'll go upstairs, lie down 'til there's one of everything again."

     "Alright, dude."

**~ ~ ~**

     Leaning against the back of his closed bedroom door, Jensen sighed heavily. He had no idea how he got upstairs, but was too glad of it to question the memory loss. Reaching behind himself to lock the door, more on instinct, he tried not to topple over while toeing off his shoes. At the edge of his bed he stood tangled in his own shirt, only then noticing the light and noise coming from his bathroom. Battle with his favorite red polo won, Jensen made his way over to the small bath and pushed open the door.  
     "Fuck." Jensen stared down at some kid on the green, tiled floor. The young intruder's skin a hue matching the bathroom tile, he didn't look much better than Jensen felt. "You alright, kid?"

     "I threw up," he mumbled, looking up at Jensen through a sweaty mop of dark-chestnut bangs. Tears streaked his flushed cheeks, and a trail of sick and saliva dribbled down his chin.

     "So I gathered." Jensen gave the toilet a flush. Propping his swaying body against the sink, he poured out a cap of mouthwash before wetting a washcloth under the cold tap. "Here, wipe your face off and rinse your mouth. It'll help."

     The kid did as told, then tried to stand. "Need to go home."

     "Yeah, well, you look like you'll be lucky to make it out of the bathroom, and I'm not doing much better, pal. Home, wherever the hell that is, will have to wait."

*** *** ***

     Jensen was vaguely aware of being tangled with more limbs than his own, and felt himself falling down… down… _down_ …

*** *** ***

     "Shh, so warm. Feel so damn good. Shh, 's alright, baby…don't cry. Gonna make it good…"

*** *** ***

     Waking up felt like dying. The pain in Jensen's head made him _wish_ he was dead. The foul taste in his mouth and queasy lurch his stomach gave when he tried to move didn't help. Carefully – and ever so slowly – crawling out of bed, it occurred to Jensen that he was naked as he made his way to the bathroom to piss. The glaring light framing the mirror hurt his eyes, still he didn't bother with the switch.  
     He caught the first startling sight in the bleary eyed glimpse of his reflection – a small cut, centered amid tender bruising on his cheekbone below his left eye, and red welts of fingernail marks jagged across his chest and shoulders. Jensen's stomach gave another uneasy roll. He couldn't wait to inspect himself further, or remotely begin to process his discoveries, and quickly stepped in front of the toilet to piss. Taking his flaccid dick in hand, he felt the sticky. Was half expecting it. That and the telltale flakes of cum he spotted when he looked down. He wasn't expecting the traces of blood.  
     After he threw up, showered, then threw up again, Jensen finally managed to pop a few Tylenol, brush his teeth, and get dressed. He even trudged his way through afternoon classes, not that he heard a damned word any of the professors said. He refused to let his mind stop worrying at the memories that simply wouldn't come.

**~ ~ ~**

     Back at the house he shared with a few other frat brothers, Jensen passed by the living room to head upstairs. He wanted to sleep for a year.

     "Hey, Jenny, enjoy your trip last night?" an amused voice called.

     Jensen cringed. He fucking hated his roommate's friend Brian. All spiky blonde hair and designer jeans, an ego big enough to match his daddy's bank account. Stepping backwards, Jensen saw him sitting on the couch with a beer, looking all too smug. "Excuse me?"

     "Your little _trip_ , at the party? Have fun?" Brian snickered, taking a drink as beady brown eyes winked at some other guys in the room.

     In an instant it all slid into place. Not the memories, but why the lack of them. Why he felt beyond hungover, and like his head had been put through a cement mixer instead of the standard blender. Jensen dropped his backpack and stormed across the living room, hauling Brian up by his shirt before anyone could stop him. "You son of a bitch!" Jensen let go of Brian's shirt and punched him, leaving the man splayed out on the floor.

     Andy, a frat brother and Brian's friend, jumped up – though made no move to retaliate. "What the fuck, Jensen? Come on, man, it was just a joke!"

     "A joke? A joke!" Jensen turned from Andy and raised a threatening finger towards Brain. "Listen good, you piece of shit! Pull a stunt like that again? I will end you!"

**_Present Day_ **

     "Vicky, come on. You knew I worked crazy hours before we started this." Jensen followed his live-in girlfriend out of the bathroom and watched her place her toiletries into her suitcase.

     Pausing, the woman hastily pulled her long auburn hair back into a ponytail, then moved to the dresser to gather the last of her clothing. "Demanding work schedules I get. Being an insensitive asshole who treats me like little more than an accessory? Not so much. I'm just glad I realized it before I agreed to give up my place."

     "Vicky–"

     "Don't, alright? Spare us both. I heard the rumors. You were just too sweet to believe them." Vicky zipped up her suitcase and turned her dark green eyes to Jensen. "The sad thing of it is, I don't think you even realize what you are doing. I mean, despite dealing with your constant canceling because of work? You were wonderful at first. Before…"

     "Before?"

     "Before I moved in. After that, it was a steady downhill slide. I wasn't your girlfriend anymore, I was your…your beck and call girl."

     "Can we talk about it? Work things out?"

     "Jensen! What do you think I've been trying to do for _weeks_? You refuse to talk about it. Too busy, too tired, too self-absorbed to give a fuck. I'm done."

     Jensen dropped down on the edge of the bed and silently watched Vicky gather her luggage.

     "Really, Jensen, you should do the next unsuspecting woman – or man – in your string of failed relationships a favor…and go get yourself a good slave."

**~ ~ ~**

     Jensen curled up on the sofa and dug into his take-out Pad Tai, alone, and shuffled through the paperwork of a new account at Gilcrest and Burrows. G & B was the largest International marketing firm, and at thirty-one, Jensen had been appointed the newest – and youngest – VP of the West Coast offices a little over a year earlier. He loved his job, lived for it. Craved the work more than good wine and great sex.  
     Vicky wasn't the first to suggest he get a slave. Prior to Vicky, and Douglas before her, even his own mother had told him he might want to consider it. And it wasn't like a dozen or more of the head associates in the firm didn't have them. Like it hadn't become perfectly acceptable to have a slave, rather than a real relationship (or in some instances…in addition), in the past twenty years. Somehow, for himself, he viewed it as a mark of personal failure. But he was – a failure. When it came to maintaining a relationship: male, female, young, old, educated, bimbo – none of it mattered. Logically, a slave made sense. He knew it three years ago when he'd landed the account of the largest – legitimate and reputable – prostitution and self-slavery agency in the U.S. Jensen had done all the research, even utilized a few prostitutes (at the insistence of both his firm, and the agency), and easily saw all the ways a slave would fit his life perfectly. Yet, he couldn't bring himself to do it. Beyond his other issue with it, Jensen honestly found it _unsavory_. But that was more a matter of semantics. It was stupid, but he hated the term. The official title of "Self-Slave" wasn't all that much better. Even though no one was ever forced into slavery any longer – there were laws, contracts, licenses, and regulations now – Jensen couldn't shake the negative connotation of the word. He seemed to be in the minority.  
     'We Are the Champions' sounded from Jensen's phone. Picking it up off the coffee table, he read the text from his friend Brett. They'd met through mutual friends nearly eight years prior, and had been best buds since. The man – four years his senior, though Jensen joked how being nearly four inches taller made them even – was as good at his job as a criminal defense attorney as he was bad at racquetball. Equal parts laid back and adventurous, smart, a sense of humor that leaned towards raunchy when company permitted, rugged good looks, appreciated the finer things though always acknowledged the little ones too, and most importantly…Brett always had his back. If Jensen had an older brother, he'd want him to be just like Brett.  
     Jensen read the text.

**"Anthr 1 bites the dust ehh pal? Take U 2 dinner with $ I won from the bet."**

**"U bet on my love life? Asshole. HTF did U know?"**

**"Vic cried on Amy's shldr. EVERYONE knows."**

**"F-ing perfect. Bring dinner tmrw. Late. Make it good!"**

**"Will do."** A second text followed close behind. **"U ok?"**

**"Yeah man. Thanx."**

**~ J & J ~**

     It was after eight, Jensen barely home and out of the shower when Brett's distinct rap came on the door. Shuffling his bare feet across pristine bamboo floors, Jensen started to unlock the door, then stopped. He remembered Brett's admission of the bet made – and won – and knew appropriate shit giving was due.  
     "What's the magic word, douchebag?"

     "Gyoshi!" Brett called from the hall.

     Opening the door just slightly, Jensen looked out to see the massive take-out bag of sushi, along with the six-pack of Full Sail, being waved in lieu of a white flag in front of him. "Good man, Brett. You're on your way to forgiveness."

     Brett pushed past Jensen and marched through the living room area into the kitchen which was easily a chef's wet-dream. Pity Jensen almost never cooked. Setting everything on the counter, Brett produced another small bag that had been hidden from Jensen's sight. He held it up for inspection before placing the contents in the freezer.

     "Triple Chocolate Boysenberry?" Jensen arched his eyebrows.

     "Like I would go to Divine Scoops and get you anything else?" Brett grinned, ridding himself of his coat and scarf, and running a hand through short, black hair wet with melted snowflakes.

     "You are officially forgiven. Let's eat."

     Food all laid out on the table, both men ate in companionable silence for several minutes, only the sounds of appreciation for fine cuisine between them.

     Setting down his chopsticks, Brett leaned back in his chair and patted his belly. "You want to talk about it?"

     Jensen chewed and swallowed. "No."

     Brett fixed his blue-gray eyes on his friend. "You _need_ to talk about it?"

     Picking up his beer, Jensen tipped it towards Brett with a smirk before taking a long pull. "Not really. Nothin' _to_ talk about. Same deal as always. I get too comfortable then drop the damn ball."

     Brett sighed, drained his beer, and got up to go for another. "Look, Jensen, I could get into serious shit for this. We're talking lose my job deepness here. But I had a client today opt for Personal Servitude. He's a good kid, hated to see him convicted since I know he didn't do it."

     "Yeah, sure, you say that about all of 'em, Brett."

     "No, I mean it. The crime is first degree burglary, but he's covering for his little brother. He only admitted the truth to me because he was afraid I'd go digging around and bring the truth to light." Brett sat back down at the table.

     "Which you would."

     "And I did. Quietly, just to check out his story. It all fit. Little bro was doing some sort of fraternity hazing bullshit. My client said he couldn't let his baby brother go to prison and lose his scholarship for a stupid stunt, so he set up the evidence to point in his direction and pled guilty.

     "Aw, man, that's a fuckin' drag. How long the…kid? Wait, how old is he?"

     "Twenty-six."

     Jensen snorted. "Alright, so how long did this _guy_ get?"

     "Five years."

     "Five! What the hell? For a first offense burglary charge? What the fuck did his brother rob?"

     "A house, but the owner heard him and went running downstairs with a shotgun. Idiot tripped and shot himself in the leg. So they're pinning that on him too."

     "Damn. Sounds pretty messed up." Jensen rubbed his jaw and leaned back from the table, beer in hand. "Why are you telling me all of this? What's it got to do with me?"

     "Like I say, he's opting for PS…if he can find the right contract. I hate to think of him going into the prison system, or settling for some twisted Convict Proprietor Contract just to escape it." Brett got up from the table, and slowly walked towards the kitchen where he leaned on the island and looked at his friend nervously. "And, well, you my friend, suck at relationships. What you need is–"

     Jensen jumped up and stalked over to Brett, index finger firmly extended and waving. "Ohhh no! I see where you are going with this, and no fucking way, Brett."

     "Jensen, buddy, come on. It's perfect. I can help you draw up the contract, you submit it through your lawyer, and I'll make sure it finds its way to my client."

     "Say I was even willing to consider this ridiculous suggestion – which I am not – what about your job? If they figure out the connection?"

     "Not likely. Aren't gonna care if they did. And even if they do, the only rule I've broken is discussing private details of a client's case…which they won't know _that_ if you don't tell them. There are no laws against me encouraging you to submit a CP Contract, or me suggesting my client consider it. I could be accused of favoritism, maybe. Which I'd be looking at a slap on the wrist for at most."

     "Well, it doesn't matter. Not doing it." Jensen turned and walked away from Brett. He made his way to the front wall of the loft where the dinning room table was situated, floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking the city below. Vicky's words echoed in his head, as did his mother's. And now his closest friend was right there, steering him towards this huge decision as well.

     "You really want to go through another Vicky ordeal? Or worse, another Trevor?"

     Jensen groaned. "Who says I have to?"

     "All the corporate bigwigs inviting you to their dinners, and charity auctions, and assorted galas. The snooty higher-ups who expect you to have something pretty and charming on your arm. Oh! And not to mention…your dick. You go a week without getting any and you turn into a real bastard, Ackles."

     Turning from the windows, Jensen tossed Brett an amused glare. "Fuck you. So this client of yours, he's pretty and charming?"

     "Fits the bill on both counts."

     "Does he have a name? A background? And what makes you think he'd even agree to any contract I'd make?" Jensen walked back into the kitchen and pulled out another beer from the fridge.

     "Not doing it, huh?"

     "Shut up and answer the questions, asshole."

     "Jared Padalecki. Average working-class upbringing, parents own a farm next county over. Graduated honors with a Bachelor of Fine Arts. He's a professional photographer. As for the contract? Even though you can be a real bastard, unless you have some hidden lifestyle you're keeping from me? There's no way anything you request can hold a candle to the fucked up shit in most of these CP Contracts."

     "That bad, huh?"

     "Usually. And any of the good ones get snatched up right away. There are waiting lists for these things. I'll actually have to pull some strings to get your contract to the kid. Not a big deal, just make sure you decline any offers that don't have my signature on it. You'll likely get a couple dozen or more."

     "No problem there. Not signing a damn thing unless I've got my attorney on one side – you on the other – giving me the go ahead." Jensen made his way into the living room and dropped down onto the sofa, Brett trailing right behind and doing the same. "I seriously can't believe I'm doing this. No freakin' way I'd do it at all if not for you laying this on me right after…"

     "After what? Vicky?" Brett prodded.

     "Sort of. Not the break-up, something she said."

     "Ah. Take it she's joined the ranks of giving you sage advice to get yourself a slave?"

     "Pretty much. Made me feel like a real shit. Telling me I've got a reputation out there, and how I should ' _spare_ ' anyone else my incapacity to make a relationship last. And the bitch of it is? She spoke the truth." Jensen closed his eyes and rested his head on the back of the sofa. "You know I feel like a real tool doing this. But you're right, I'm tired of screwing around with dating right now. I've had it. I don't need the grief, and neither does the next string of people I'd be dragging down a road doomed for failure."

     "I get it, man." Brett patted his friend on the leg.

     "So Jared Padalecki, huh?" Jensen sat up and looked at Brett. "Hold up, Padalecki? I think I went to State with a Padalecki."

     "Could be, he's got an older sister about your age."

     Jensen shrugged. "Hmmph. Alright, so what are the chances of me getting a picture of this guy?"

     "Fair. Won't need it though. I know you, dude, and you are gonna love this kid."

**~ J & J ~**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

     Jensen and his attorney, David Shetfield, entered the judge's chambers. Brett was already inside, as were the presiding Judge and a legal representative from the correctional facility. With Jared having already signed all of the paperwork, his presence wasn't required. He certainly still had the right to be there, but Brett had managed to squeeze him in for his full physical – one final condition of the contract being a clean bill of health for both men. Rather than postpone things any longer, Jared had agreed to take the opening and leave the legal handlings to Brett. If all went well, the physician would fax over the records before the proceedings were finished.

     The formality of polite greetings and handshakes out of the way, all the men sat down to take care of business.

     Judge Talbert cleared his throat, pushing his black rimmed glass up his bulbous nose as he directed his attention to Brett. "Mr. Owens. You informed me there was a small change to the contract that required disclosure and formal approval?"

     Brett handed a page of the contract to Jensen, along with a pen. "Yes, Your Honor. My client has asked to be free from service every other Sunday. I was fairly certain Mr. Ackles would have no objection, and made the amendment."

     "Mr. Ackles, do you hold objection?"

     Jensen smiled politely at the aged man, and swallowed down his queasy nervousness. "No, Your Honor."

     "Please initial the change and we shall proceed then."

     Jensen quickly scribbled his initials next to the change and handed the document back to Brett.

     "Now then, Mr. Ackles, while I'm sure you are aware of the differences between a Self-Slave and a Personal Servitude Convict, I am required by law to go over them with you."

     "Yes, Your Honor. I am indeed aware, but understand." Of course he was aware. _Aware_ was in fact an understatement! He'd known a little from the account he'd handled, but more than that he'd made Brett explain things to him over and over – then again and again. Still, there were official rules to be followed. Added words and time to make Jensen squirm (only inside, ever the epitome of calm reserve on the outside) under the weight of his last minute doubts.

     "Good. I'll be brief. While a Self-Slave gives up all rights within pre-agreed parameters, and if said Slave defies these demands may face predetermined punishment by their owner, the same does not apply to a PSC. Your PSC retains all personal rights – subject to conditions of his sentence – with exception to those in your agreed upon contracts. Including the right to deny anything you ask without facing punishment from you directly. It is, however, within your right to dissolve the contract should your PSC refuse to carry out pre-agreed upon services. Either of you may choose, at any time and for any reason, to dissolve the contract. At such time the PSC will be remanded into custody, and dependent upon the reason the contract was dissolved, appropriate action will be taken against the PSC by The State if it is deemed necessary. Mr. Ackles, do you understand these differences and conditions?"

     "Yes, Your Honor."

     "Do you have any further questions?"

     First turning to Brett for the look of encouragement he knew would be there, Jensen then locked his own eyes with the watery brown of Judge Talbert's. Shaking his head brusquely, Jensen felt his resolve slide into place. "No, Your Honor."

     "Fine then. I have reviewed the agreed upon contracts, and find them to be satisfactory. Without going into great detail, as I'm certain all parties have been over them at length, let me confirm: You, Jensen Ackles, will become the Convict Proprietor of Personal Servitude Convict, Jared Padalecki, for a term of four years, eleven months, and twelve days. During that time he is to reside at your place of residence, and accompany you in all personal travels and extended business travels. His primary service is to attend any, and all, personal and business events as your companion. It has also been agreed upon that no less than three times per week, Mr. Padalecki will provide you with sexual services in a pre-agreed upon manner. Is this the crux of the contract, Mr. Ackles?"

     "Yes, Your Honor, I do believe so," Jensen answered, refraining from babbling words of gratitude to the man for not going over every _pre-agreed upon sexual service_. It had been bad enough hashing it out with Brett…the guy he talked to about everything. Compiling all of his sexual interests as if he were car shopping: must have, want, don't want. There hadn't been any issues with Jared's acceptance (Brett informing Jensen he was relatively "vanilla" compared to most CPs), but it was still humiliating to have it all documented.

     "Well, it seems we have all crossed our T's and dotted our I's, and with the exception of one final matter–"

     All the men startled at the knock on the door.

     "Enter," called the Judge.

     "Judge Talbert, you said to bring these right away." A mousey brunette wearing glasses hurried across the room and handed the Judge a set of papers.

     "Thank you, Miss. Price. Excellent timing." Judge Talbert examined the papers as his secretary scurried from the room. Clearing his throat once more, the man spoke, "I'm sure you all will be pleased to know Mr. Padalecki has been given a clean bill of health, and thus, I hereby approve the contract between him and Mr. Ackles."

**~ J & J ~**

     Jared couldn't stand still, shifting his weight from one foot to the other as he stood in the elevator of the old, renovated building with his attorney.

     "Relax, Jared. It's going to be fine. Jensen's my best friend, and a great guy, we've been over this."

     "I know, I know. Just nervous. I mean if he hates me, or something–"

     "He's gonna love you, kid."

     Jared snorted. He always got a kick out of it when Mr. Owens – Brett, as he insisted Jared now call him – referred to him as a kid. Grabbing his suitcases as the elevator stopped, Jared stepped out into the hall of the seventh floor. "Wow. Are there really only two apartments on this floor?"

     "More like modified lofts, and they're owned not rented, but yeah. Every floor has two units. Except the first floor, that's divided into four – including the gym. And the top floor is one whole space. Jensen tried to get it first but no luck."

     "He's loaded, isn't he?"

     Brett shrugged, eyes smiling as he gave Jared a wink. "He does alright."

     Jared followed Brett down the long hall, and tried not to fidget as the man unlocked the door. Jensen had called and informed Brett that meetings were running late, and said to give his apologies to Jared for not being there on time to greet him properly. Brett had joked that Jared may as well get used to it right off the bat.  
     Stepping into the huge space, Jared was – in a word – impressed. The loft was laid out in an "L" shape with a section to the right of the kitchen walled off – as was most of the tail section of the "L" along the front of the building to his left. Jared glanced down the hall bisecting the area, concluding it was obviously the bedrooms. The rest of the loft was spacious and wide open. A comfortable living room area directly in front of him, and beyond that on the opposite wall a gourmet kitchen he was already salivating over. To the left of the kitchen was a large dinning room table, situated in front of massive floor-to-ceiling windows that lined the front wall. Back to the right, on the far end of the loft, lie another sitting area – arranged to take advantage of the wall hosting a massive television and entertainment system. Everything was impeccably decorated, sleek and modern, yet warm.

     "Sweet, huh?" Brett stated more than asked, smiling at the expression of appreciation on Jared's face as he hung up both of their coats.

     "I could live here."

     Brett barked out a loud laugh at that. "Come on, I'll take you to your room."

     Jared followed Brett down the hall.

     "Jensen's master suite is on the left." Brett pointed to a closed door. "His office is here." First door on the right. "It's got an adjoining full bath with your room, but it'll essentially be your bathroom. He doesn't use it and there's a guest bath out to the right of the kitchen."

     Nodding, Jared trailed Brett into the last room on the right. His room. For the next five years.

     Brett flipped on the light and dropped the suitcase he'd been carrying. "What do you think?"

     Jared set down the rest of his luggage and walked over to the line of windows he'd suspected continued along the wall. He could clearly see the city sprawling out below him, and yet, he'd never felt so confined. "What do I think? I think I'm essentially a slave. But that I should be grateful."

     "Come on, kid. You can't think of it like that, we talked about this." Brett moved over to stand by Jared, and placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

     "I know. And like I say, I am grateful. To you, and your friend. My brother is protected and, well, things for me could have been so much worse. I owe you."

     "Don't worry, you'll get my bill."

     "Hey! You guys here? Traffic out there is brutal today."

     The moment Jared heard the loud, confident voice booming down the hall, he immediately began to fidget again.

     "Deep breath, Jared," Brett whispered. "We're in here, Jensen."

     Jensen was suddenly bursting into the room with his coat still on, warm smile on his face and stepping forward to Jared with an outstretched hand. "Hey, Jared, good to meet you. I realize this is all kinda… Jared? Are you alright?"

     Jared was frozen. It couldn't be. Wasn't possible. He stared blankly at the hand still being offered to him, and would swear he could literally feel every ounce of blood drain from his face. Forcing himself to look up further and further, he slowly met Jensen's eyes.

     "Jared?" Jensen gave up on the handshake and moved his hand up to Jared's shoulder.

     Flinching as if he'd been burned, Jared ran for the bathroom without a word. Slamming the door behind him, he leaned heavily on it for a moment – feeling around for a lock and listening to the two men in the room he'd just escaped.

     "What the _FUCK_ was that, Brett?"

     Jared heard the shock in Jensen's voice.

     "I have no idea. I knew the kid was nervous, but…" Brett trailed off, uncertain.

     "I mean damn. Do I offend?"

     Jared heard movement, then Brett's voice trying to match that of Jensen's shaky humor.

     "You are a little ripe, dude."

     Moving away from the door, Jared turned on the cold water in the sink and lost the sound of the conversation. He splashed his face repeatedly, and concentrated on willing the bile in his throat back down into his stomach. The water still running, Jared looked at himself in the mirror. All he could see were Jensen's eyes. Those beautiful eyes he'd been trying to forget for nearly half of his life.

_**12 Years Earlier** _

     Jared left a note for his sister that he'd taken the bus home, then texted his mama he'd be crashing at Melissa's dorm for the night. There wasn't even a slim chance Mel would let him go to the party – somehow she failed to remember that fifteen wasn't a kid anymore – but no way was he missing it. He'd heard the group of guys whispering about it when he'd tagged along with Mel to the library earlier. He was pretty sure he could sneak in – and positive of the coolness points it would win with his friends at school.  
     Finding an out of the way place, Jared read to kill the couple of hours he had before the off-campus party. Everything was in full swing by the time he found the place, and after ditching his backpack in some bushes around the side of the house he made his way inside.  
     With the exception of a few suspicious glances directed his way, Jared was left alone to wander the party. Observing all the college kids in their drunken glory, he helped himself to one beer after another.  
     He was pretty sure it was the jell-o shots that did him in and sent him running for the nearest empty bathroom, which turned out to be upstairs. He barely made it, sliding to the floor and flipping up the toilet seat to wretch up everything in his stomach…and possibly _including_ his stomach.  
     Jared wasn't sure how much time had passed. How long he'd been sitting on the floor afraid to move for fear of vomiting up his intestines, when a man came in and found him there. He seemed nice enough, if not more than a little out of it himself, and was obviously the owner of the bathroom Jared was using. Jared tried to insist he wanted to go home (maybe Mel was right – fifteen _wasn't_ quite grown up yet), and the guy with the stunning eyes promised to get him there just as soon as they could both function. Jared let himself be pulled to the bed. He wasn't all that happy about having his shirt tugged off, or falling into a heap with the stranger onto the guy's bed, but had to admit the thought of closing his eyes for awhile was a nice one.  
     When Jared woke he knew instantly something was wrong. The room was dark, except for the light coming from the bathroom, and the music from the party was still a loud hammering in his head. It was the weight draped over him that had warning signals setting off in Jared's brain. That and the hands – groping him and trying to touch places he didn't want touched.

_**Present Day** _

     A soft tap on the bathroom door brought Jared back around from the haunting memory.

     "Jared?" Jensen called gently.

     Jared turned off the water and unlocked the door. Grabbing a hand towel, he stood against the vanity and watched the door slowly being opened.

     Jensen peered in at Jared, worry and confusion evident in the creases of his brow. "Hey, you alright, kid?"

     Head shooting up to catch Jensen's eyes, Jared gritted his teeth and clenched his fists. Being there, in Jensen's bathroom, and once again hearing those words…Jared was fighting to keep himself from decking the man. "Don't call me that," Jared snapped.

     "Sorry, I–" Head quirked to the side with his eyes narrowed and trained on Jared, Jensen stopped abruptly. He appeared to be struggling to puzzle something out before he gave his head a strong shake. Jensen smiled warmly at Jared, then shot a glare over his shoulder. "Damn it, Brett. You got me doing it now." Jensen turned back towards the bathroom. "Sorry, Jared. Look, man, if I did something to upset you I didn't mean to. Honestly. Why don't we just go in the other room, have a few drin–"

     "Can I talk to Mr. Owens? Alone?" Jared's voice was clipped and cold, and the wounded expression it put on Jensen's face actually had Jared's gut clenching.

     "I…yeah. Of course. I'll, um…" Jensen stepped aside, hand nervously rubbing at the back of his neck as he turned to his friend with hurt and uncertain eyes. "I'll just be out in the living room. I have…work. Yeah."

     Brett patted Jensen on the back as his friend brushed past and hurried from the room, closing the door behind him. "Jared, what the–"

     Jared quickly interjected, "I can't do this, Mr. Owens." and dropped down onto the bed in a wilted heap, face buried in his large hands.

     "Back to 'Mr. Owens' now, are we? And why the hell can't you?" Brett sat in the overstuffed chair across from the bed.

     For a moment, Jared considered telling his attorney the truth. That when he was fifteen he had been raped, though never reported it or tried to learn the identity of his rapist. Though now, in a cruel twist of fate, he not only knew the man's identity – but was set to serve him for the next five years of his life! It was all right there, ready to come tumbling out… "I… I thought I could do this, you know? But being under someone's control like this? I don't think I can do it, Mr. Owens. I'm sorry."

     Brett leaned forward, elbows resting on his knees and hands running through nearly black hair. "Alright, look. I get that you're freaking out, Jared. I'm sure I would be too. And if you really, for absolute certain, feel this way…I'll take you back and we'll dissolve the contract. You have to realize a few things first. One? Nothing better is coming along. And if you think you aren't going to be controlled in prison – in ways that can't _begin_ to compare to what Jensen has asked of you – then you are sorely mistaken. Two? Even though I can say without question that Jensen won't contest this, or place fault on you, the court will in all probability double your sentence regardless."

     "What?" Jared burst out, shaggy locks of hair swinging wildly as he shook his head. "No. No! That can't–"

     "I warned you about that Jared, and you said you understood."

     "Yeah, but I thought…" Jared continued shaking his head. He felt like the world as a whole was conspiring against him. All he could think of was the old adage: No good deed goes unpunished.

     "Not even giving the contract a chance, the courts won't look too fondly on that. A couple months in, a no-fault dissolution? Then yeah. They probably wouldn't add any time."

     "Damn it," Jared hissed under his breath, Brett's continued words drowning out his panicked thoughts.

     "Three? Jensen is a good guy. He's got some rough edges but I would still count him one of the finest humans I've ever known. I'm not an idiot, Jared. I can tell by your response this has something to do with him personally. Also get you have no intention, at least right now, of filling me in on what the hell's up with that. But whatever it is, whatever you think you know about Jensen? You obviously can't know dick about him. He's not going to mistreat you, kid. Or belittle you. Or try to force things on you that aren't stipulated in the contract."

     "You don't understand." Jared sighed, again tempted to divulge just what he knew about Brett's _good_ and _decent_ pal Jensen.

     "You're right, obviously I don't. But you don't get it either. I didn't only set this up as a favor to you. I did it for Jensen. It was clear to me he needed someone he didn't have to impress, or cater to, or work at keeping a relationship with. But he also deserves someone intelligent, kind, considerate, with a sense of humor and a charming personality. And yes, someone attractive. I thought that person was you. And I gotta tell ya, kid…I'm feeling like a pretty big asshole right now, making this massive error in judgment when it comes to my best friend's life."

     "I'm sorry. Truly." And Jared was. Brett had been a fantastic attorney, going above and beyond to fight for Jared's welfare. But he was only sorry for the circumstance, not his feelings in regard to Jensen.

     "Yeah, well. If you need time to think I'll go out there and buy you some. But as your attorney, I'm going to make it perfectly clear that – no matter what your issue is with Jensen – you are a fool to walk away from this contract and not do every _fucking_ thing you can to make it work."

     Jared was agonizingly torn. Did he go back to the uncertain hell of prison for five – more likely ten – years? Or be a slave to the man who'd raped him twelve years ago? Jared watched Brett get up and move for the door. "You honestly think that much of him? Jensen?"

     "And then some. I trust the man with my life. Hell, someday I figure I'll make him Godfather to the two-point-six kids I might get around to having when I'm sixty." Brett snorted.

     Jared rose and straightened his tweed blazer. Nothing would change the past, what Jared knew Jensen had done. However, it was true the Jensen that Brett painted didn't seem capable of the heinous thing Jared remembered him for. And regardless of Jensen's true nature, trying to make things work seemed to be the lesser evil of his meager options. With a small, resigned smile, Jared nodded at Brett.

     Brett sighed with exaggerated relief, lips puffing out on the noisy exhale. "Smart move, kid. And one I swear you won't regret." Brett strained to reach up and sling an arm around Jared's shoulder, his seventy-inches of height no match to Jared's towering six-foot-four. "Now come on, let's go give this introduction deal another shot."

**~ ~ ~**

     Jensen quickly stood from beneath a mountain of paperwork on the sofa, papers and files scattering as he nervously wiped his palms on the faded jeans he'd changed into. "Hey." He nodded his head to Brett, then to Jared as he bit into his lower lip.

     Jared used every ounce of willpower he could muster, shoving back the memories he had of Jensen and focusing on the timid, yet warm smile on the man's face. Stepping forward he held out his hand, and swallowed hard when Jensen took it in a solid grip. "I…I apologize. For, well–"

     "No. No, it's alright. I get it. I'd be freaking out too. But I promise, Jared, I'll do everything I can to make this as easy on you as possible."

     "Thanks. Appreciate it."

     "Honestly, I never planned on doing something like this. But since _someone_ went and convinced me," Jensen squinted pointedly at Brett over Jared's shoulder, "I really want it to work, you know?"

     "Yeah."

     "I think that's what we all want," Brett added. "That, and booze. Come on buddy, break out the good stuff. Know you want to."

     Jensen visibly relaxed, tension in his taught shoulders melting and a quirky little grin pulling up the corners of his lips. "What's your poison, Jared?"

     "Anything's good."

     With a small nod, Jensen headed for the kitchen to join Brett who was already nosing around. "There's a bottle of Krug in the wine chiller."

     "Ha! I knew it!" Brett slapped Jensen on the back and turned, opening one of the stainless-steel and frosted glass cabinets to retrieve three champagne flutes.

     Jared watched Jensen produce the dark bottle from underneath the island somewhere and begin to open it. He was shocked to find himself honestly smiling when the cork popped and Jensen rushed to fill the flutes with the bubbly liquid.

     Jensen handed Jared a glass then raised his own. "Here's to making the best of things, and hopefully to new friendships."

     "I'll drink to that." Brett clinked his glass with Jensen's, then Jared's.

     "Dude, you'll drink to anything."

     "Pretty much."

**~ ~ ~**

     The three men were settled in the living room – drinking, laughing, and talking. Loosened up by the alcohol, and admittedly the relaxed company, Jared realized he was genuinely enjoying the evening. He thought he should feel guilty for it. Getting acquainted with his rapist. Drinking his expensive liquor and eating the pizza – gourmet pizza – he had delivered at some point during the evening. It didn't seem right. It probably wasn't. But if Jared was forced to make the best of it, and the best happened to be this good, he decided he'd be an idiot not to enjoy what he could.

     Around one in the morning Jensen finally called a taxi for Brett, and walked his friend down to the elevator. When he came back, Jared was busy carrying dishes into the kitchen.

     Coming up beside him at the sink, Jensen placed a hand over Jared's. "You don't have to do that. It's late. You've had a long day."

     Jared froze. Jensen's other hand had found its way to rest lightly on his hip, and the man's nose grazed along the side of his neck.

     "You're fucking beautiful, you know that?" Jensen breathed against the shell of Jared's ear.

     "Jensen…" Jared could feel himself trembling. He was on the verge of something – crying, screaming, running – he wasn't sure.

     "Good night, Jared." Jensen gave a brief squeeze to the hip beneath his hand, then walked away without so much as another glance.

     Jared waited, listening for the sound of Jensen's bedroom door closing. At the low _click_ he lurched forward, rushing down the hall to his room. Jared locked the door. In an irrational gesture, he then grabbed the wooden chair from in front of the desk across the room and wedged it under the door handle. He didn't honestly believe Jensen was going to attack him in the night. And even if the guy did, Jared wasn't a scrawny kid any longer. He had a good few inches, and likely twenty-pounds of muscle, on Jensen. Logically Jared realized he could defend himself. Still… He stared at the chair, then turned to climb into bed fully clothed.

**~ J & J ~**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

     Jensen glanced up from his place at the dining room table to watch Jared shuffle into the kitchen. Most often he worked in his office, but occasionally he'd spread out in the dining room so he could enjoy the view of the city. Grinning at Jared's sleep tousled hair, and the way the younger man's striped pajama bottoms rode dangerously low on slender hips, Jensen cleared his throat. "There's coffee."

     Jared jumped a little at Jensen's voice, but proceeded onward to the coffee maker like a man on a mission. "Thank goodness."

     "How'd you sleep?"

     "A little _too_ well, I guess." Jared took a seat at the table, mug of coffee clutched tight in his grip like a lifeline. "Sorry I overslept. Not used to champagne I don't think."

     "No worries. While I wouldn't mind the company in the mornings, you know it's not required."

     Jared nodded. "I'm normally up before the sun."

     "Nice to know." Jensen smiled, then let a stretch of silence fall between them as he turned his focus back to his laptop. Without being obvious, Jensen trailed Jared's movements when he eventually rose to refill his drained mug and help himself to fixing a bagel. Jensen made no comment, however he was pleased to see Jared making himself comfortable without Jensen's prodding.

     Polishing off his bagel, and a second cup of coffee, Jared broke the silence, "Do you often work from home?"

     "Frequently. Though, suppose that's more because I'm always working." Jensen made a few more clicks, then closed his laptop with a sigh and a stretch. "Normally I'm in the office by nine at the latest. Took today off though. Wanted to make sure you got situated alright."

     "You didn't have to do that."

     "I know. Wanted to though. Figured I'd show you around the neighborhood, get you anything you might need, and we could get lunch down at the pier. Although," Jensen glanced at his watch, "maybe we'll have to make that an early dinner."

     Jared ducked his head down. "You should have woken me."

     "Nah. I'd rather get a late start and have you well rested. Why don't you go grab a shower though. Get dressed. I'll make a few phone calls while you do that then we can head out." Jensen stood, stretched again, arching and twisting to pop his back. When he looked back down, Jared was staring at him with an unsettling intensity.

     "Why are you being so nice to me?"

     Jensen huffed. "Why wouldn't I be?"

     "Well for one, I'm a criminal. Two, you're my CP. You don't have to treat me like more than…well, I'm your slave. We both know that's all I am to you."

     Tearing his eyes away from Jared's, the bitterness there as discernible as the flecks of gold and blue, Jensen walked over to the windows. He always found the view soothing. "For one, we all make mistakes, Jared. Even if we don't realize it or…or know exactly what we did. It's rare for anyone to make it through life without a major fuck up – or two – they wish they could take back."   
     Jensen leaned his forehead against the coolness of the glass. He hadn't let in the ghost of a memory, the one that eluded him still, in such a very long time. His first year with G & B he'd tried one final time to capture it, going so far as to seek out another hypnotist. His first go with one, back in his mid-twenties, had been a complete bust. The multiple sessions of his second attempt had been just as useless. He'd accessed the memory of breaking his grandmother's favorite tea pot when he was three – along with a slew of other pointless and random past events. Nothing more about _that_ night would come though, short of the sense of foreboding guilt which had always been attached to it.

     "Jensen?" Jared's voice was low, cautious.

     "Yeah, sorry." Jensen turned back to face Jared as he went on, "And two, you're right. We both know this isn't an average relationship. And we've both agreed to certain conditions between us. That doesn't mean that you aren't a smart and caring guy – along with a ton of other great attributes I'm sure I'll come to learn and appreciate – and deserve to be treated as such."

     Jared stood and walked over to the windows, eyes avoiding Jensen and instead taking in the bustling city. "Brett told you, didn't he?"

     "About?" Jensen was good at evasive. Had a knack for using it to work out multimillion-dollar deals.

     "My brother." Jared turned his hard gaze on Jensen.

     "Yeah, he mentioned you have a younger brother."

     "Sure. And that's all he said about it, right?" Jared snorted, then started to walk away before stopping short and spinning back around. "I've got a sister too. Older, your age, did you–"

     "Melissa Padalecki, right? I think she was in my modern art class at State. Don't really remember her all that well, but when Brett told me your last name it rung a bell."

     "Rung a bell, huh?"

     "Yeah." Jensen saw the flash of anger in Jared's eyes. It was fleeting, but there – replaced with little better than heated accusation. A sudden thought occurred to Jensen. "Aw shit, man. She didn't say I dated her and dumped her, or something? Not that I'd be calling your sister a liar, simply mistaken."

     Jared continued to glare at Jensen, wordlessly, until Jensen cracked and began to squirm under the unnerving weight of the stare. "I used to visit her quite a bit on campus." Turning, Jared walked towards the bedrooms. Without slowing his steps he called back, "As far as I know, Melissa has no idea who you are."

**~ ~ ~**

     Jensen made his phone calls while Jared showered and dressed, refusing to let the disconcerting feeling Jared left him with disrupt his work. Jensen wasn't a man to rattle easily, and the fact that Jared seemed to be doing such a bang-up job of it since his arrival didn't escape him. While it concerned him, for the time being Jensen decided to remain aware, yet optimistic, that with a little time to adjust the two men could find a harmonious balance.  
     When Jared came back out into the living room, Jensen couldn't stop staring. The blue of his sweater complimented his coloring perfectly, and he'd shaved off the beginnings of the beard he'd arrived with. "You shaved."

     Jared's hand automatically raised to scrub along his jaw. "Yeah. Is that alright?"

     "Of course. All I ask is you keep in mind the types of social functions we'll be attending, but you're free to groom and style as you please."

     "Thanks."

     Jensen stood up and grabbed his cell and wallet off the coffee table. "Speaking of social functions, we definitely need to get you fitted for suits today. And a couple of tuxes. For now."

     "A couple? Really?" Jared paused as he pulled on his coat.

     "Ohhh yes, my good man. My social calendar, and thereby yours, is booked near solid. Between this month and next there are three black tie events we will be attending." Jensen chuckled as he watched Jared swallow hard, then grabbed his coat and ushered the slightly paling man out the door. "Relax, Jared, you're gonna do fine. I'm certain of it."

**~ ~ ~**

     The two men spent the day, and a good portion of the early evening, wandering the neighborhood and into the outskirts of the downtown area. Jensen indeed had Jared fitted for a total of seven suits and three tuxes, which Jared merely shook his head at. The younger man did however protest, heavily, when Jensen insisted on further purchasing him nearly an entire new wardrobe – including a leather jacket that Jensen had caught him eyeing.

     Fussing and putting up more and more of a resistance with each new store, by the fourth Jared stood firmly rooted on the sidewalk outside the door. "Jensen, just stop. It's too much."

     Jensen sighed, his hand free of shopping bags coming up to scrub at his jaw. "Do you like the clothes? The accessories? Not only the few things you picked, but the stuff I chose?"

     "Yes. I…I'll admit you've got great taste. Don't think you picked anything I wouldn't on my own if I had the mon–"

     "Do I look unhappy to you? Like I don't want to do this?"

     "Well, no, but–"

     "Then suck it up and enjoy it!"

     Jared rolled his eyes, then stuck out his tongue as he walked past Jensen into the shoe store.

     Their next stop was the bank, where Jensen was relieved by Jared's polite reserve as he set the younger man up with a joint account. While it in no way granted him access to Jensen's other accounts, it would give Jared a bit of financial freedom.  
     The moment they stepped out from the bank, Jensen's relief was shattered.

     "You shouldn't have done that," Jared hissed.

     Jensen grabbed Jared by the arm, hard, and dragged him around the corner of the building and out of the steady path of people. "Enough!" Jensen snapped, the sudden rush of anger flowing out of him.

     Jared glared back at Jensen. "Would you let go of my arm." It wasn't a question.

     Jensen glanced to where his hand was clenching Jared's bicep. He immediately let go as he spat out in response, "Would you stop fucking fighting me?"

     "I'm not a charity case."

     "No, you're a damned martyr who's had his business and home seized to pay the courts and damages, and anything left has been frozen until your time is served." Jared's mouth opened but Jensen cut him off, "And before you even say it…yeah. Maybe I _am_ going overboard. But I'd like a little fuckin' respect that it's _MY_ right to do so. You're not asking – hell not even hinting – and so what if it makes me feel good to do this? Why can't you let me?"

     "Why a joint account?"

     Throwing up his hands in frustration, Jensen was nearing the end of his rope. "Great! Now on top of stubborn you've decided to go stupid on me. You need money, Jared. For fuck's sake, _I_ need you to have money! There are going to be times you want or need something, or I ask you to buy something, and it won't always be from neighborhood places that know to charge me."

     Jared focused down at the sidewalk and exhaled slowly. "I didn't even think of that."

     "No shit." Jensen turned away from the direction of the pier and towards home. He'd made dinner reservations but pulled out his cell to call and cancel as he walked, not even checking to see if Jared was following.

     Five blocks went by before Jared called out for Jensen to slow down – after a near miss with a taxi in the crosswalk.

     Jensen stormed along another block before he finally stopped short and spun around to face Jared. "Look, it's obvious you have some sort of problem with me. I don't know if you need to make me out to be the 'bad guy' to deal with all this, or what? But if that's the case? I'm not that guy, I refuse to become that guy, and this is never going to work."

     The last eight blocks back to the loft were walked in silence.

**~ ~ ~**

     Dropping his shopping bags in the living room, Jensen wasn't quite sure what to do with himself – or Jared. If given the option, slugging Brett seemed like a nice choice. Or perhaps a joint assault of kicking himself in the ass after – for letting himself get talked into the whole mess. Jensen made it all the way to his bedroom door before he found himself turning around to head for the kitchen. He avoided all eye contact with Jared who was still standing by the front door, mass of shopping bags weighing down his arms.  
     Pulling a bottle of vodka from the freezer and grabbing two tumblers from the cupboard, Jensen stood at the island and filled both glasses half-full. Pushing one towards the edge, in Jared's direction, Jensen quickly drained his and poured another. "This is my version of a white flag, in case you missed it. Doesn't mean we have to talk, or eat together, or fuck, or even look at one another tonight. Just means I don't want you standing there petrified all damn night."

     "I'm not petrified."

     "Yeah, well, you look worried as hell and haven't budged an inch in the last ten minutes. You call it what you like." Jensen took another drink. "I've got some work I need to take care of. Probably be out later to make a sandwich or something. Just…want you to make yourself comfortable. For now at least, this is your home. There's stuff in the fridge, and the delivery touchpad is in the drawer next to the stove. Watch a movie if you want, all I ask is you keep it down."

     "You could call the prison right now to come and get me," Jared still held his spot, words coming out with an eerie casualness considering the significance of them.

     Resisting the urge to throw the glass in his hand across the room, Jensen forced in a deep breath. No one got to him like this. Fucking no one! Taking his tumbler, and the bottle of vodka, Jensen headed towards his bedroom. Pausing in the living room, he turned to Jared and peered at the man looking back at him defiantly. "I'm really not the monster you're trying to make me out to be."

**~ ~ ~**

     When Jensen left his room a couple hours later he was relieved to _not_ find Jared still by the door, and equally glad to see a few dirty dishes in the sink.  
     In the morning he ate breakfast alone. He hadn't really expected anything else. Jensen didn't want to do it, but after work he figured he'd be calling Brett to break the bad news.

**~ J & J ~**

     Jared stayed in bed, straining to hear the sounds of Jensen moving around getting ready for work. As soon as he heard the front door close and lock, he got up to take a shower and get dressed.  
     Popping in his ear buds with a muttered, "My Tunes, metal mix five." and heading into the kitchen, he discovered a fresh pot of coffee waiting for him. The same way he'd felt torn the entire day before, Jared found himself both grateful and pissed. It would be so much simpler if Jensen _would_ be the monster Jared expected him to be – no, _knew_ him to be. It was too confusing trying to make the correlation between the guy who'd raped him, and the generous man bending over backwards to accommodate him, being one in the same. Yet it was the truth. And nothing could change that.  
     He felt like a yo-yo on crack, erratic and scattered in his thinking and decisions. While it had only been a couple of days, Jared honestly didn't believe he could take much more. He suspected neither could Jensen.   
     Fixing himself a bowl of cereal, he consider if he shouldn't tell Jensen. It was obvious the man didn't remember him, which wasn't a surprise. Jared doubted Jensen ever knew his name back then, plus, he looked very little as he had at fifteen. Would it be best to get it out in the open? Let Jensen in on exactly what Jared's _issue_ was with him? If Jared were a lesser man, he'd think of some way to blackmail Jensen. He wasn't, and even the vague inkling of such an idea had him discarding the last of his cereal with a queasy roll of his stomach.  
     Not bothering with the dishwasher, Jared washed the few dishes in the sink from the morning and previous night. After, he poked around the kitchen, familiarizing himself with the appliances and where everything was. He wasn't anywhere close to sure he'd even need to know, but had to admit it wouldn't be a hardship cooking in the deluxe set-up. While photography was his passion, cooking and baking held nearly an equal joy for him.  
     He explored the entertainment area, and Jensen's vast collection of movies and music. Both were as varied and eclectic as the hundreds of books in the scattered barrister bookcases – and even the art hanging on the exposed brick walls.  
     Wandering into Jensen's office, the first thing Jared spotted when he switched on the light was the post-it note on the computer monitor. The second was the credit card – his name on it – wedged between the keys of the keyboard. Jared left it, and pulled off the post-it.

     " **Use the guest account to log-on for now. If you decide to stay and make this contract work, use the AmEx to order yourself a computer, laptop, whatever. Hope you have a good one. Be home late.** "

     Jared fiddled with the note as he walked around the office. Most of the room was taken up by an antique wood desk, more barristers bookcases – all various antiques as opposed to the more modern ones in the rest of the loft – and what appeared to be a pull-out loveseat with an old leather trunk in front of it for a coffee table. The walls were covered in a mishmash of art, movie posters, degrees and awards, and framed personal photos. Jared focused on those, using them to get a better sense of the man Jensen had become. With family, friends, colleagues, Jensen appeared happy and confident in all of the photos. One in particular drew Jared's attention: that of Jensen and a young boy – perhaps nine or ten – at a football game. The boy was beaming a smile a mile wide, and had his arms wrapped tight around Jensen's waist – Jensen smiling just as big and hugging him back. For a fleeting moment, a sick and twisted thought came to Jared's mind. He had to swallow hard against the sudden taste of bile in the back of his throat. Blinking back the threat of tears, his vision cleared and settled on a framed letter next to the photo. Jared read it. It was from the boy, Billy, thanking Jensen for spending time with him over the summer while his dad was fighting overseas.  
     Jared stepped back, swiping at the damp trickle escaping down his cheek. Jensen was right. Jared needed him to be the monster he remembered. The more Jared discovered about him though, the clearer it became that the man Jensen had become wasn't anything of the sort.  
     Glancing over the rest of the plaques, Jared stopped frozen in front of a small, unimpressive, framed 'Thank You' note.

     " **Mr. Ackles,**

**There are no thanks enough for not only your continued yearly donations, but for the time you personally put in on the phone lines and helping in the offices. Myself, and the staff, are forever grateful.**

**Susan Hollingsworth**  
 **The Rape Crisis Center** "

     Taking it off the wall, Jared dropped down onto the loveseat with it clutched in his grip. He covered his face with his other hand as he broke down and cried.  
     Body wrenching sobs finally tapering off, Jared wasn't really aware of how long he'd been sitting there, the frame held fast in his grasp. Thankful for the box of tissues on the trunk, he blew his nose and dried the last of his tears. Standing up he replaced the note on the wall, then sat down at the computer and logged-in. Needing to be certain, and further cement the decision he'd come to, Jared spent a good few hours researching the dissolution of Convict Proprietor Contracts. The laws, several personal accounts, and especially anything detailing the bearing it had on re-imprisonment. Finally satisfied, he checked his e-mail, visited a few more sites, then logged off.  
     Taking a deep breath, Jared picked-up the phone and called his attorney.

**~ J & J ~**

     "Is that amazing aroma seriously coming from my kitchen?" Jensen dropped his briefcase on the sofa. Not even bothering to take off his wool coat, he blatantly sniffed his way into the kitchen. "Dude, what did you do? Hire a chef? 'cause I'm for certain no take-out has ever smelled this damn good."

     "I cooked." Jared paused from stirring the soup and glanced over to Jensen.

     "You cooked?" Jensen stared, blinking at Jared in his new 'tuxedo' apron.

     Jared couldn't hold back the smile tickling at the corners of his lips. "Yup."

     Jensen continued to blink up at Jared, dumfounded, until his attention was drawn to the pot being stirred on the stove. "Is…is that? It can't be… How did you know?"

     "Butternut-Turnip soup? Yeah, it is. I called Brett and asked him some of your favorite dishes. Then I went to the farmer's market and grocery store. The lady at the berry stand said to tell you hello, by the way."

     "Helen? Aw, she's a sweet old gal. Always gives me her best–"

     "Blackberries. From her own heirloom supply. She sold me two pints for the cobbler."

     Jensen simply gazed at Jared in disbelief, mouth hanging open slightly.

     "I took a chance. Asked at a few stands if they knew you and what you liked." Jared shrugged and held up a spoonful of soup in front of Jensen.

     Silently looking at the spoon, then to Jared and back, Jensen leaned in and let him place the smooth, golden mixture to his lips. Closing his eyes, he sipped. "That, is heaven."

     "You like?" Jared smiled, enough for his dimples to make a shy appearance, and allowed himself to accept the praise.

     "I love."

     "Good. I also made pumpkin and goat cheese ravioli in a white wine sauce. And a spinach and beet salad with citrus vinaigrette."

     "Marry me."

     Jared laughed. It wasn't forced, and rather startled him when it came out and he felt the lightness of it. For the first time since he'd been trying to convince himself he could make this arrangement work, he truly believed it. "Only if you set the table and choose a wine," he joked back. "As good as I am at cooking, I'm that bad at my knowledge of all things alcohol…except when, well, cooking with it."

     "Done!" Jensen took off his coat and suit jacket, and tossed them on the sofa. Back in the kitchen, he rolled up his sleeves and began to pull dishes from the cupboards.

     The two worked in silence as Jared finished preparing the meal, Jensen busy setting the table and selecting two bottles of wine from the room at the back of the pantry. Jared had discovered it earlier when he took stock of the pantry and made his grocery list.

     Once the meal was served, and Jensen had made enough porno-esque sounds over each dish to leave Jared a blushing mess, Jared finally spoke, "So how was work?"

     Jensen chewed his bite of ravioli and swallowed. "The usual. Boring, tedious. My life's blood."

     Jared snorted a laugh.

     "How about you? You obviously had a busy day."

     "I did. Poked around here a bit. Began a torrid romance with your kitchen, obviously. Admired your Jazz and Blues collection. Finished unpacking. Went shopping."

     "You unpacked?" Jensen tried to come off nonchalant.

     "Yeah…" Jared hesitated. "I may need a bigger chest-of-drawers."

     "That can be arranged. Hell, you can change out the whole room if…" Jensen didn't look up from his plate, simply let the sentence trail off and took another bite of his salad.

     "I also ordered myself a laptop. I hope that was still alright?"

     Jensen did raise his head at that. Jared knew the man understood what he was truly saying, and asking. "Are you sure, Jared? I can't keep going through this with you."

     "I'm sure." And he was. While Jared had sat crying, helpless but to release all of the anger and confusion he felt like a physical pain running through him, he'd begun to understand that Jensen simply wasn't the monster he had encountered when he was fifteen. If he was honest with himself, there was no way he could believe this Jensen – his Convict Proprietor, a man he was learning significant traits about despite the short time of being his PSC – ever capable of being a rapist. Coming to that conclusion, Jared was all the more tempted to confront Jensen. Find out what had changed, and how the man could have raped him back then. He decided against it though. If Jensen decided to dissolve the contract because of it… After Jared's research he was terrified at the prospect of going back – the prison system corrupt and rife with violence. Nothing like the processing facility he'd been in. Beyond that possibility, Jared didn't want Jensen potentially thinking he'd only brought it up to hold over him. While Jared knew he'd never do such a thing, he had no way of being certain he could convince Jensen of that.

     Swirling his wine around in its goblet, Jensen forced Jared to look him in the eye. "You seemed sure before. You've got to be certain this time. Saturday night? You are on, man. And I don't want to spend the entire evening feeling like I did something wrong by making you go. I could find another date. But if you are in this? I shouldn't have to."

     "I can do it, Jensen. I promise."

     "And the other?" Jensen cocked his head. "I don't like casual sex, one-night stands with strangers – or professionals – and I'm going to want you in my bed. Soon. Is that going to put us right back in this place again?"

     "I'll…" Jared took a deep breath. "It'll be fine."

     Jensen pushed back from the table, a humorless smirk tight on his face as he rose. "Fine?"

     Jared nodded. It was all he could manage with his heart racing and mouth gone dry. " _I can do this. I can do this. I have to do this,_ " kept looping through his head.

     Reaching for the bottle of wine, Jensen casually poured himself another glass before slowly making his way behind Jared's chair. "Fine, Jared?" Jensen's voice was low, thick and rough with desire. Placing a hand on Jared's shoulder, he leaned in to brush his lips against Jared's ear. "And will you be _fine_ when I have you on your hands and knees? Sweaty and moaning while I give you every inch of my cock?"

     Jared's body shook beneath Jensen's touch – and his words – with both fear and…something Jared refused to acknowledge. Before he could even begin to calm himself and give a response, Jared's chair was being pulled back from the table. In a rush of movement, Jensen was suddenly a solid weight straddling his lap.

     "You think _hard_ , Jared." Jensen licked a stripe up the side of Jared's neck. "Don't you dare go vilifying me after I've sucked you down, just because you feel guilty for giving me a hot load of cum to swallow. Damn it, you fucking decide _NOW_ if you can handle it! I mean it."

     Closing his own eyes against the intensity in Jensen's – how the man could display every bit of his lust, anger, and hurt in those pools of hazel-green gone dark – Jared slowly wet his lips and nodded. "I ca…can take it. Handle it. You."

     Jensen rolled his hips against Jared, the strain of his erection evident and grinding against the growing bulge in Jared's pants. "Be positive, Jared. Please. Don't put me through that."

     Jared felt the light caress of fingers against his scalp and opened his eyes. For a few moments he saw nothing of the college guy who had raped him, and only the gorgeous man who was doing everything he could for Jared. "I am, Jensen. And I won't, do that to you. I promise."

     Nodding tentatively, Jensen gently ran the pad of his thumb over Jared's bottom lip. It was clear he wanted to kiss Jared, yet he refrained. "I know you made dessert. It'll have to wait. I uh…" Jensen looked down at his crotch, the zipper of his dress slacks straining. "Need to tend to this in my room."

     Holding his breath, Jared forced out a whispered, "Alright." as Jensen rose from his lap and walked away from the dinning room table.

     "You're welcome to join me, though I don't suspect you're ready. But, Jared," Jensen turned to give Jared a fleeting glance, "be ready. Soon."

**~ J & J ~**


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

     "Jared? How's it going?" Jensen knocked on Jared's bedroom door. They needed to leave in less than an hour, and he knew the younger man was a bundle of nerves. When he knocked again, and there was still no reply, Jensen slowly pushed the door open. "Jared? I wanted to make sur–"

     "Hey, no, sorry. Was just shaving, didn't hear you." Jared stood in the bathroom doorway, towel slung low on his hips and instantly turning crimson under Jensen's weighty leer.

     Even through his clothes, Jensen could tell Jared was built. But seeing him nearly nude? It was inch upon glorious inch of perfectly tanned flesh that Jensen couldn't wait to learn and explore. There should be statues in stately gardens of the man…while the living, breathing model was left to Jensen's devices. Finally taking notice of the discomfort Jared felt, Jensen quickly averted his eyes. It was a hardship. Another time he might have gone about the situation differently, but as it was…he knew the night would be hard enough with their first social engagement together. Jared didn't need Jensen riling him further with provocative innuendo.   
     "Good. Alright, I um…just checking if you need anything. The limo will be here in about forty-five minutes."

     Jared was obviously fidgeting, toying with his towel in a way Jensen was sure he didn't realize was about to leave him without even the spun cotton to hide behind. Still, his tone was light with a lilt of humor as he posed the question, "Suit or tux?"

     "Excuse me?"

     Words coming a smidgen too close together in his nervousness, Jared clarified, "I can't believe I didn't ask before, or that you didn't say – probably because it's obvious and only I don't get it – but should I wear a suit and tie, or the tux the tailor finished?"

     "Oh! Wow, yeah, tuxedo. Absolutely. I mean, if it were a regular performance a suit would probably work, but this is the hundredth anniversary production of Les Misérables. Gotta go with the tux, man."

     "Not a problem. I'll just…uh…fix my hair and get dressed."

     Jensen nodded. "Sounds good." Allowing himself a last visual drink of the perfection that was Jared's body – and feeling nearly intoxicated for it – Jensen smiled and left the room to get ready.

**~ ~ ~**

     Nearly twenty-minutes later, Jensen was just pulling on his tux jacket when he heard the timid knock on his bedroom door. "Come in."

     "I can't get this damned…" Jared's voice trailed off into a growl.

     Jensen stepped out from where he'd ditched into the bathroom. While the appearance of Jared in his tuxedo should have had him on the brink of panting and drooling like a hungry dog, instead the site of the huge man struggling with his bowtie – face tipped to the ceiling, little creases of frustration furrowing his brow, tongue peeking out from the corner of his mouth – had Jensen covering the grin on his lips with his hand and stifling a laugh.

     "Oh great! I'm supposed to look dashing and you're laug–" Jared tilted his head down, eyes catching hold of Jensen and focusing in surprise, "–gorgeous."

     Normally taking compliments with casual and polite ease, Jensen felt himself flushing under Jared's gaze and momentarily ducked his head. Forcing himself to step forward he spoke softly, "Thanks. And you _are_ dashing. Just pretty damn adorable too."

     It was Jared's turn to blush. "Yeah, well, I feel like a bumbling kid." Jared huffed, throwing up his hands in frustration.

     "Here." Jensen stepped behind Jared and directed him to stand in front of the full-length mirror. Straining a little to reach up and around, he began to work on Jared's bowtie. "Good grief, what did your mother feed you as a kid?"

     "What can I say? I ate my veggies."

     "Apparently." Jensen chuckled. At six-one, it was ridiculous that Jared could make him feel short. Finished with the tie, he paused, focus held rapt by the sight of them both in the mirror. "We look good together."

     Jared's eyes flitted over their reflection before settling to lock with Jensen's warm gaze. "We do."

     It took every ounce of willpower Jensen had not to turn Jared, grab the man's strong jaw, and pull him down into a searing kiss. Instead he fought against the flutter in his belly, and the racing of his pulse, and clamped a reassuring hand on Jared's shoulder. "You ready for this?"

     Shaking his head vehemently side-to-side, Jared replied, "Absolutely."

     Jensen let loose a bark of a laugh, and quickly gave Jared's arm another squeeze before turning and herding the man from the room. "You're gonna be fine. Let's go."

**~ J & J ~**

     "That was incredible! I mean I've been to plays, musicals…all that before. But never anything so…"

     "I hear you. I've seen some spectacular performances, and let me assure you, this goes to the top of the list. And you, you were…"

     Jared turned hesitantly from where he was draping his tuxedo jacket across the arm of the sofa. He'd spent most of the evening worried about the sort of impression he was making on Jensen's friends and colleagues, but from the smile plastered on Jensen's face, he needn’t have. Still, Jared had to ask, "I did alright?"

     Jensen shook his head. "No. You were more than alright, you were amazing. Polite, charming, funny… Dude, you made my boss laugh! Pretty much no one gets that man to crack. And his wife? Fairly sure she just wanted to eat you right up!"

     Blushing, Jared ducked his head and tugged nervously at his tie. "Jensen, come on. I was just–"

     "Being yourself. I know, I get that. Makes you all the more amazing." Jensen stepped forward, batting Jared's fumbling fingers out of the way and undoing his bowtie – along with the top two buttons of his crisp white shirt.

     Jared's breath hitched, Jensen being right there in his personal space. He tried to fight back the fear but it was there – the barest flinch away from Jensen's hands – and Jared was certain it hadn't gone unnoticed, though Jensen tried to act otherwise.

     Still standing there with barely any space between the two of them, Jensen's hand resting lightly in the center of Jared's chest, Jensen slowly licked his lips before giving two brisk pats of his palm over Jared's sternum. "Beer?"

     Entire body sagging with a soundless sigh, Jared watched Jensen turn and walk into the kitchen. Closing his eyes, he willed his heartbeat to steady before replying, "Yeah, sure." Part of Jared cringed, feeling he should have declined and feigned tiredness to escape more time alone with Jensen. His more rational side insisted if he was sincere about making things work, he needed to put some effort into it. Jared was there to be a companion – amongst other things – and unless he was going to back out, he needed to get used to it.

     Jensen handed Jared a bottle, a pleased smile on his face as he set down his own beer to free himself of his jacket and tie. Settling on the sofa next to Jared, a little less space between them to simply be casual, he turned into the man and took a slow pull from his bottle of dark ale. "So, think you'll be able to handle this? I mean, the events will vary, of course, but the schmoozing? That's essentially the same."

     Shifting a bit to face Jensen, Jared took a moment to collect his thoughts before he answered, "Honestly? I was really nervous about how this would go, the way that I would react. Not even so much, as you say, the schmoozing and trying to meet the expectations of all these society big shots, but…" Jared took a deep breath. "Being your PSC, I didn't know what kind of stigma would come with that? How I would be treated? But when you simply introduced me as your companion, and no one even batted an eye… I think it was such a huge relief it made it easier to just relax and be myself."

     Biting into his lower lip, Jensen nodded thoughtfully.

     "I had a good time, Jensen. Really. I know it won't always be exactly the same, and I'm sure some events will be less enjoyable than others, but I think I am up for it."

     "Good. That's good. I want you to enjoy yourself. And I'm exceptionally glad you seem to have a positive, yet reasonable, outlook on it. That's a huge weight off of me. I'm not sure exactly why it is, but it seems I'm always expected to have someone accompany me to all these social events, even casual business dinners. Like me showing up alone will somehow affect the delicate balance of the universe." Jensen gave a quick roll of his eyes and grinned. "If tonight was anything to go by though, you're going to be perfect for this."

     Jared couldn't hold back an amused snort. "Gosh, I didn't realize my wit and charm was going to save the world." He warmed a little when Jensen laughed. "Really though, I'll do my best." Despite everything, Jared felt an odd sense of pride in making such a desirable impression. Nearly five years of rubbing elbows with the Northwest Coast's uppercrust ahead of him, he really did want to maintain the footing he'd seemed to gain.

     "I didn't tell them, you know."

     Jared shook himself from his thoughts at Jensen's softly spoken words. He stared at him, puzzled, watching him pick at the label on his bottle until Jensen finally looked up to see the confused crinkle of Jared's brow.

     "That I'm your CP. Not that I'm ashamed of it. I mean, having a Self-Slave or a PSC has become perfectly acceptable. And don't think for a minute I'm ashamed of you, just…it's no one's business. I'm not going to go out of my way to hide it, but figured I'd simply refer to you as my companion and people can take that as they will. The only person I've told is my mother, although I did ask her not to spread it around. And of course Brett knows. Guess I figured unless you want…for some rea–"

     "No!" Jared surprised Jensen, right along with himself, with his strong reaction. It took him a moment to realize Jensen may have jumped more from Jared's hand landing on his thigh than the exclamation. He wanted to draw back the touch, while his hand seemed quite content with its new resting place. The sudden internal war within himself was disconcerting at best, but Jared ditched the battle – fingertips left with the warmth of Jensen's leg beneath them – and focused on struggling to get out the rest of his thought, "Sorry, I… Just, if you're good with it I'd rather…"

     When Jared didn't go on, Jensen placed his own hand over Jared's. "It's alright. Like I said, no one's business. Can't promise you people won't find out, though even if they do I don't see it becoming an issue. I can't begin to tell you how many of the men – and women – in my corporate circle have PSCs and Self-Slaves. And hell, Jared, my own mother has been after me for years to get one!"

     Jared's eyebrows went up as his jaw fell down. "Seriously?"

     "Yeah. That's the main reason I told her about you, so she could finally relax."

     "I don't get it?" And Jared didn't. Take what he knew about Jensen's past out of the equation, as far as Jared could see – even below the surface – Jensen was more than a great catch.

     Jensen shrugged. "I suck at relationships. Not at first. Once I start to settle into it though? Go getting comfortable with someone and often have them moved in? I drop the ball. I'm inattentive, don't listen, blow things off, close down my emotions, and the pisser of it is? I don't even realize I'm doing it until the other person is walking out on me."

     Jared was listening, intently in fact, yet his gaze was fixed on his hand that still rested on Jensen's thigh…and the way Jensen was absentmindedly playing with his fingers. Swallowing hard, Jared was speaking before he could even stop himself, "Sounds like, deep down, you're afraid to really let anyone in. Like you subconsciously sabotage the relationship before you can fully open up."

     Jensen's fingers stilled, eyes locking with Jared's when the younger man finally looked up. "You're probably right. Whatever the reason, I didn't want to go another round like that. I'm tired of it, even if it is my own fault. And my last girlfriend, well, forced me to see – with painful clarity – that it's not fair to the people I get involved with," Jensen paused, a sad pensiveness marring his features before he quickly shook it off. "So, that's where you come in."

     "Right." Jared nodded. "Not a relationship, just an arrangement."

     "Exactly."

     Jared didn't even see it coming, Jensen's fingers suddenly untwined from his and cupping the side of his jaw as the man leaned in and kissed him. It wasn't overly forcefully, a solid press of full lips against his. Jared couldn't refrain from pulling back both in surprise – and fear – though when Jensen simply followed, he managed to sit tight and let the kiss continue. It was the slide of Jensen's tongue along the seam of his lips that had his mind reeling back to that night. How Jensen had invaded his mouth with tongue and fingers. Jared whimpered, which Jensen seemed to mistake as a pleasured response and in turn deepened the kiss – tongue coaxingly petting Jared's. It did nothing but increase his panic. The added sensation of Jensen's fingers scritching lightly at the nape of his neck was too much, and Jared's eyes flew open in terror. An easy and harmless – though confusing – touch was one thing, this… He fought internally to ground himself. To remember he wasn't a helpless fifteen-year-old kid anymore, and that somehow – _someway_ – Jensen wasn't the same guy from that horrible night.

     With far less subtlety than Jensen had begun the kiss, he ended it with a startling lurch back from Jared, his hand dragging over his spit-slick lips and down his chin. "Shit. I'm sorry. I didn't…didn't intended to push this on you tonight, and…and not gonna." Jensen jumped up off of the sofa, a brief sideways glance given to Jared from beneath thick lashes. "Goodnight, Jared."

     Dazed and confused didn't even cover it as Jared watched Jensen hurry off to his bedroom. He sat there on the sofa, dumbfounded, dragging the pad of his thumb back and forth over his lower lip. They were still tingling, his lips. Left alone to consider the kiss, safely after the fact, he realized if not for the panic and terror (pesky little issues, he added sarcastically) the kiss would have been…nice.   
     Under other circumstances, Jared would have rapidly dismissed that point of contention. As it was, he was beginning to think it was the one he best hold on to.  
     It was agonizingly clear that despite how prepared he'd _thought_ he was, Jared was nowhere _near_ ready to be intimate with Jensen. And at some point, no matter how kind and patient Jensen was with him, Jared would have to fulfill his contracted obligations. Duties which entailed a hell of a lot more than some minor making-out on the sofa. Jared was going to need anything that could be remotely construed as a positive, or a distraction, to get through what was coming. There on the sofa, he'd been given two distinct contrasts to that horrible night when Jensen had raped him. Things he could force his focus to when the panic and fear emerged.  
     First, the kiss was indeed nice. Nothing about the night of the rape had been. He hadn't even had an orgasm, which he knew was a common source of guilt for many rape victims who had. His ordeal had been so brief – yet so entirely painful – he'd remained flaccid throughout.   
     Second, was Jensen. Though he'd gently pursued Jared at the initial sign of resistance, and had mistaken the nature of his whimper, Jared was fairly convinced Jensen had sensed his growing distress and that was the cause for the man's abrupt stop. Regardless, it was in complete opposite to the night Jensen hadn't even ceased his assault at Jared's repeated screams. And the apology? Jensen not even intending to kiss him, stopping himself, and saying he was sorry? Those were not the actions of a man bent on selfishly taking what he wanted at any cost.  
     Jared needed to tuck those two important insights carefully away, and keep them close for when Jensen inevitably asked for sex. Which, Jared well knew, the time for that was coming soon.

**~ J & J ~**


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

     Two weeks. Fourteen days and thirteen nights without Jensen so much as trying to kiss Jared on the cheek. There had been mildly intimate touches – a hand pressed gently to his lower back, fingers little more than casually twining together, an easy and brief squeeze or caress – during the three engagements they'd had during the passing weeks, but nothing more.   
     Amazingly, they'd fallen into an easy pattern almost immediately. Sharing mostly silent mornings over breakfast, Jared cooking dinner on the evenings Jensen was home for them, enjoying a bottle of wine and talking casually when Jensen managed to find a free hour or two, and fulfilling social obligations. There had been the charity auction the weekend following Les Mis, a business luncheon at the country club mid-week after that, and the black-tie birthday party for one of Jensen's colleagues they had just left. All had gone exceedingly well, Jensen always making sure to both praise and thank Jared for his seemingly innate ability to charm the hell out of the uppercrust.

**~ ~ ~**

     It was late, the two men getting home well after two in the morning. With only a silent smile between them, they both made their way down the hall to their bedrooms. Jensen paused at his closed door, watching Jared pass him. The younger man having already shucked off his jacket, Jensen's eyes were free to focus on the shift of Jared's ass as he walked. He hadn't really planned it, yet as Jared's hand lifted towards the knob on his bedroom door Jensen found himself calling out, "Jared."

     "Yeah?" Jared turned back at Jensen's voice.

     Without a word, Jensen opened the door to his master suite and stepped aside, his request perfectly clear.

**~ ~ ~**

     While to Jensen's welcome surprise Jared hadn't hesitated to join him, the younger man's nerves had apparently kicked in. Jared stood across the room, restless, eyes fixed on the lone piece of artwork Jensen had gracing the walls.  
     Jensen watched him assessingly as he removed his jacket, tie, and shoes. It had been nearly three weeks since Jared had arrived. Time for him to begin adjusting to his new life, minus the contractual obligations for sex. Jensen knew it was the one thing Jared was most apprehensive about, and he'd hoped perhaps with time that would change. But going over a month without sex? He could admit it was with somewhat selfish reasoning he decided waiting for Jared to come around wasn't going to work. Jensen was going to have to give a little nudge. Silently making his move, he walked up behind Jared and slowly wrapped his arms around the man's broad chest. He could feel the rapid beat of Jared's heart under his palm. Straining a bit to reach up, he propped his chin on Jared's shoulder and gazed at the artwork with him, all the while his fingers deftly working to undo the buttons of Jared's shirt.  
     "Michael Parkes," Jensen whispered into his ear.

     "Night and Day. 1992 stone lithograph. It's breathtaking."

     "You know your art."

     "Some."

     Buttons undone, Jensen removed Jared's shirt and let it drop to the floor. He quickly untucked the younger man's undershirt as well, and tugged it off. Tanned and muscled expanse of Jared's back bared to him, Jensen couldn't keep himself from nuzzling between his shoulder blades. Lips pressed to warm skin, Jensen pleaded into Jared's flesh, "Tell me this is alright."

     "Yes."

     "Tell me you want it," Jensen coaxed further, knowing he likely shouldn't.

     "I… It's alright."

     Jared leaned back into Jensen's body, trying to emphasize his willingness, but Jensen could still feel the slight tremble that betrayed him. Jensen stepped back and walked to his bed. He'd known it was too much to hope for.

     "Jensen, I–"

     "Don't. Just…come here." Although his back was turned, Jensen could feel the heat of Jared's body behind him. He hastily removed both his shirt and undershirt, then gathering his resolve… In a rush of movements, Jensen grabbed Jared and sat the startled man on the edge of the bed before dropping down to his knees between long legs. Jared visibly shaking before him, Jensen moved with all the more purpose. He wasn't ready to back down. If he could just make Jared feel good, maybe… Dauntlessly undoing Jared's slacks, Jensen slid a hand below the waistband of navy briefs to wrap around his flaccid cock.

     Letting loose a whimper, Jared bit into his lip as he stared down at Jensen. Eyes blown wide and cheeks flushed scarlet, his hips bucked up into the firm stroke of Jensen's fist.

     Relieved from momentary panic that Jared might not even get hard, Jensen released the growing shaft to strip him of the rest of his clothing. "Wanted you to want this too, Jared. Been going crazy waiting for you to come around. So damn gorgeous, and…fuck I need you." Jensen reverently rubbed his cheek along the velvety skin of Jared's bared cock, before turning and taking the hardening shaft into his mouth.

     With a near anguished cry, Jared's upper body collapsed back onto the mattress, fingers of both hands clawing at the brocade comforter. Clearly fighting the urge to thrust into Jensen's mouth, his hips gave a small stuttered jerk.

     Jared was big, even without being fully erect, but Jensen only welcomed the added inches as Jared's cock lengthened between his lips. He relished the full weight of the silky member on his tongue, the perfect, dusky-pink mushroom tip tickling the back of his throat. One hand steadily pressing against Jared's hip, trying to help ground and ease the writhing man, Jensen moved the other between Jared's legs to caress his heavy sac – as well the sensitive spot below. Jensen wanted Jared to come undone beneath him. To feel the hot burst of release flood his mouth, and for Jared to know that Jensen had given him that pleasure – and for Jensen to know that he could.

     Fists tugging relentlessly at the fabric underneath him, and legs spreading wider of their own accord in welcome to the play of Jensen's hand, Jared cut off the low keening sound that had steadily been coming from him with a shout, "Jensen! Please, you gotta…I can't…"

     Pulling off of the good nine inches he'd had partially buried in his throat, Jensen's voice was rough and breathy as he tried to sooth Jared, "Shh, I got ya. Just let it happen, Jared. Let go for me." Before Jared could issue any sort of reply, Jensen swiftly swallowed him back down. With vigor and purpose he bobbed up and down at a pace his neck would give him hell for later, saliva and copious amounts of pre-cum leaking from his mouth, drenching Jared's neatly trimmed pubes and dripping down tightening balls.

     A litany of, "Oh fuck!" and, "Please!" was flowing over swollen lips Jared had bitten raw. His back and neck both arched off the bed, the long line of his neck exposed as thick and straining veins bulged with wildly pumping blood beneath the skin.

     Ceasing the alternation between rolling Jared's balls and teasing his perineum, Jensen ventured lower. With a single finger he followed the slick trail of drool to Jared's tightly clenched hole. Just a hint of pressure against the wet rim and… Jensen was rewarded with a scream. Husky and guttural as Jared's entire body jerked with the ferocity of his orgasm, and Jensen took it all. Every burst of release Jared pulsed down his throat. As he began to pull back, catching the last small gushes of semen directly on his tongue, Jensen noted that the flavor was less salty and more earthy – oddly a hint sweet. He liked it, and gently sucked at the head to coax out the last drops Jared had to give up.  
     Planting a kiss on the head of Jared's softening cock, Jensen eased up from his knees and stood to gaze down at the lax and panting body on the bed. Smirking to himself, Jared unable to see him with an arm tossed over likely closed eyes, Jensen undid his slacks and hastily shed them along with his boxer-briefs.  
     Climbing up on the bed, he stretched out next to Jared and gently brushed back sweaty bangs from the younger man's forehead, mostly as an excuse to touch him.  
     "You alright?"

     Jared didn't speak, and barely managed a nod of his head.

     "Jared?" Daring to move the arm covering Jared's face, Jensen then traced his firm jaw and coaxed the man to look at him. Something twisted in Jensen's belly as Jared's eyes opened to meet his. So many emotions churned in the hazel depths, Jensen was at a loss to hazard a guess at exactly what the man was feeling. His own brow creasing in a frown, Jensen dipped down to kiss Jared with a soft brush of his lips. When Jared didn't flinch the slightest and instead released a soft sigh, Jensen moved on to place a trail of kisses down the man's chin, neck, and chest – stopping to give adequate attention to each pebbled nipple before he whispered against a firm pec, "Roll over."

     Carefully avoiding Jensen's eyes, Jared waited for him to lean back before he wordlessly resituated on the bed, crawling up to lay his head on the pillows as he sprawled out on his stomach.

     Jensen's cock went from mostly firm to granite hard as he gazed at the exquisite form in front of him. He'd been with some highly attractive people, knew he was above average himself, but Jared… Jared was, as he'd thought before, a work of art. Long lines of perfectly sculpted muscle, not overly bulky but strong and well defined. And the globes of his pert ass… Jensen had to force down a threatening laugh, suddenly wondering if he could actually bounce a quarter on the younger man's toned posterior.  
     Shaking himself from his deep and sincere adoration, Jensen reached into his nightstand for the lube he kept there – forgoing the condoms since he preferred to go bare, and with their mutual clean bills of health there was no need. Jared was contracted to sexual activity exclusively with Jensen, and Jensen in turn intended to only fulfill his needs with Jared.  
     Giving Jared's inner thigh an obvious hint of a tap, Jensen waited for long, lean legs to splay wide before he knelt between them. Staring at the cleft of Jared's ass, Jensen was half tempted to leisurely lick him open. While his cock did twitch at the mere thought, the aching strain of it made him think better of anything but the shortest and quickest route to getting inside the tight heat waiting for him. He did however bend over and place a reverent kiss on each sun-bronzed mound, and nuzzled his nose along the separating crack before sitting back up and flicking open the tube of slick.  
     Coating two fingers, Jensen used his other hand to gingerly spread the cheeks of Jared's ass. "Gonna work you open, careful but quick. Swear if I don't get inside you, like right now, my dick's gonna implode."

     Jared nodded his head again, then actually released a single stuttered word, "Al…alright."

     "Just relax for me, Jared. Not going to hurt you." As the words passed his lips, Jensen was suddenly struck by how he was handling Jared. As if…like he was a virgin. He immediately shook the thought from his head. There was no way. It was simply unfathomable that Jared would agree to five years of sexual relations with a man if he had never… Literally giving his head a shake, Jensen looked down to where the pad of his index finger had begun to swirl slow circles around Jared's pucker on its own accord. Biting into his lower lip, he pressed the lube coated digit forward, cock pulsing in anticipation as he watched the finger sink inside Jared's hot and ti… Holy hell he was tight!

     Squirming helplessly on the intrusive digit, Jared tried to muffle his cry into the mound of pillows on the bed.

     "Fuck, Jared! How are you this tight? I… Shit," Jensen cursed under his breath, though he knew Jared heard him – just as he equally heard the man's stifled whimpers of distress.

     "It…it's okay. 'm sorry, just…I can take it, Jensen. Don't wor…worry. Just fuck me, alright?"

     Jensen laughed. Short, quiet, and in disbelief not humor. Running his lube-free hand through his hair, he sighed. For a moment he contemplated wordlessly getting up and heading for the shower. Stroking himself off under the hot pound of water and letting his cum wash down the drain – hopefully along with his frustration. Instead he moved with almost no thought, only impulse, and laid down on his side next to Jared. Managing to keep from dislodging the single finger buried in Jared's ass, Jensen maneuvered the trembling man onto his side as well, putting them back to chest.

     "Jensen…I… What are you doing?"

     "Just…" Jensen huffed before he went on, "Try to trust me, okay? Lift your top leg up, it'll help open you. Bend your knee or use your arm if you need to. Then just keep taking deep breaths and bear down a little. Not…not gonna…just this. Just stretching you on a finger or two, alright?"

     Jared's voice was shaky, however his body was already beginning to relax some. "I…o…okay. But what abou–"

     "Don't worry about it." While Jensen was prepared to sacrifice his own pressing needs in exchange for consideration of Jared, he was fairly certain if his cock could stab him in his sleep he'd be a dead man. Regardless, there was no way in hell he was going to cause Jared as much pain as he knew fucking him would – just so he could get his rocks off. No matter how much his dick ached. Ignoring the throb, he turned his attention back to Jared – or more specifically his finger still buried in Jared's vice-tight ass. Tentatively he began to rotate the digit, ever so gently pulling against Jared's rim as he did.

     With only a slight whimper, Jared hitched in his breath, then forced it out slowly as he bore down a little like Jensen had asked.

     "That's it. Nice and easy." Jensen could feel the confining channel loosening. Not much, yet enough for him to slightly crook his finger so he could stroke gently along the silky walls. He counted the maneuver a success, Jared actually arching back slightly into the internal caress.

     After a couple minutes of focused and steady breathing – along with Jensen patiently working that single digit in his hole – Jared spoke up, voice quiet yet steady, "Think we can try another."

     "You sure?" Jensen had honestly begun to wonder if they would even get to a second one tonight, though he'd hoped. If he could get his middle finger inside he’d feel more comfortable about trying to stimulate Jared's prostate.

     "Yeah."

     The single word reply wasn't much in the way of eager encouragement, but was an agreement none the less. Jensen whispered against Jared's ear, "Bear down hard for me." and slipped his finger out with the contraction of muscles and a slight groan from Jared. Finding the tube of lubricant, Jensen coated the rim of Jared's entrance before liberally slicking up his index and middle fingers. Ready, he took a deep breath and then pressed a light kiss to the back of Jared's neck. "Here we go."

     "Fuuuck," Jared hissed as he struggled to keep his body from jerking away from the intrusion, Jensen's fingers steadily burrowing deep into his ass.

     "Burns?"

     "Oh yeah."

     "Just give it a minute." Even though Jensen was certain Jared was trying, if the man could manage to relax he knew that would be half the battle right there. While it was obvious Jared hadn't had any regular – if any at all – stints as a bottom, it was equally evident his nerves were a major detrimental factor.  
     Jensen waited to move until Jared's breathing evened out again, and the clench of his inner sphincter muscle began to loosen. Carefully twisting his fingers, he dared to push in a bit deeper to seek out that wondrously sensitive nub.

     Jared whimpered as Jensen's fingers shifted around his insides, body distressed and stirring restlessly, when suddenly his eyes flew open and his jaw dropped wide. "Nnngghh! Je…Jen…Jensen!"

     "Yeah, baby. There we go." Jensen pressed another kiss to Jared's skin, this time on his shoulder. He smiled against the warm flesh, then situated to watch as Jared began to eagerly fuck himself back on Jensen's fingers. They cramped a little, holding them just right so the tips kept flitting along Jared's prostate – even with the unsteady rhythm of Jared's bucking hips. It was entirely worth it though. Having Jared grunting and moaning like a proverbial porn star, lost to the overwhelming pleasure Jensen sparked inside of him. Straining to look around and down, Jensen could even see Jared's dick rapidly filling once more.  
     "Just like that, Jared. Gonna cum again for me, aren't you? Fucking yourself on my fingers… Damn that's hot! Think I'm gonna finally blow my load just watching you."

     Though his steady stream of lurid sounds continued, Jared's writhing momentarily slowed with Jensen's ending comment. Releasing the grip he still had on his own leg, Jared blindly reached behind himself and felt along Jensen's body. Flat palm sliding down overheated skin, Jared's fingers splayed out into the nest of hair at Jensen's groin – heavy cock pressing against the back of his fingers before Jared flipped his hand and wrapped it around the straining and rigid shaft.

     "Ahhh fuck, Jared!" Jensen thrust into the fist that closed around him, the zing of long overdue pleasure surging through him like an electrical shock. He bucked wildly into the awkward angled stroking, keenly aware that he was mere seconds from blissful release. "Make me cum, Jared. Please! Need it!"

     Vocal cords reverberating with a sound that could only be called a growl, Jared's body went taught as his second orgasm of the night hit him hard. Panting and fighting for breath, he shot his release from his untouched cock, thick strands of cum mingling with the crushed velvet pattern on the comforter. Jerky aftershocks tapering off, Jared's body crumpled in a relaxed heap…all except his left fist. Tightening his grip around Jensen's cock, Jared delivered a brutally paced twisting stroke.

     "Yeah! Fuck…gonna…" Streams of white pulsed out over Jared's fingers and Jensen's belly, the intensity of it shocking Jensen's system. Everything blurred around the edges for a few moments, his body thrumming inside and trembling out. Through his glorious post-killer orgasm haze, Jensen registered the sensation of Jared gingerly uncurling long fingers from their hold on his still twitching cock – the blood in his erection taking its own sweet time in flowing back to more important parts of his body. He took the cue to carefully ease his own fingers from inside Jared, nuzzling along the man's neck when he heard a soft hiss.

     A couple of minutes passed, the air ripe with the smell of sex, and the sounds of exerted lungs filling the room.

     Moving to the edge of the bed, Jared sat up before slowly standing.

     "You don't have to go." Jensen kind of didn't want him to, but wouldn't push it.

     "I… Do you want me to stay?"

     "Not if you don't want to. It's alright." Jensen reached for a box of tissues on his nightstand, trying to feign casual as he wiped the lube from his fingers. He really needed a shower.

     Jared nodded, then slowly began to walk around the bed. "Just gonna use the bathroom."

     Jensen watched him make his way into the master bath, the door closing before the light even came on. He sighed heavily, scrubbing a hand over his face and along his jaw. While he'd managed to make Jared cum – twice – this was… He really couldn't understand it. Of course it had never been discussed, Jensen simply presuming Jared was gay, or at the very least an equally experienced bi.  
     Making due with more tissues to wipe off the cooling semen on his belly, Jensen tossed back the comforter and climbed between crisp sheets. He was going to have to talk to Jared, that's all there was to it. He waited, listening to the muffled sounds of water running in the sink as he yawned loudly…and repeatedly.

**~ ~ ~**

     Jared stared at his nude form in the mirror, trying to get a grip on the tidal wave of feelings and emotions coursing through him. Physically, though his ass ached dully and he was exhausted, his body thrummed and sang with the still present tendrils of pleasure. Unfortunately, that only confused his mind all the more. Jensen had made him cum – twice. The man who had violated him and put a taint on a fifteen-year-old boy for all his sexual experiences to come.  
     Again, it simply didn't correlate. The _now_ Jensen that Jared had left in the other room, trying to play aloof at Jared staying or going while yearning eyes betrayed him. A Jensen who, despite Jared giving his consent, refused to find an obviously desperate need for release in a distressed man and unyielding body. And the _then_ Jensen, drunk and selfishly forcing himself on a terrified and unwilling kid. That night, Jensen had made him hurt and bleed. Only offering soothing words as a self-serving means to more easily take what he wanted. Tonight, the man had put off and denied his own urges to place Jared's pleasure first, and with painstaking patience had gently eased Jared's body to an ecstasy he'd never known.  
     Though he'd only intended to come in and relieve himself, clean off with a washcloth while he gathered his composure, Jared found himself biting back a sob as he stepped into Jensen's large shower. Tears ran down his face while the spray from multiple jets pounded just on the edge of too hot against his skin. He soaped away the lube between his ass cheeks, his own semen off his belly, and the touch of a man he desperately needed to find reconciliation with in his own mind. Jared rinsed the soap down the drain along with the last of his bitter tears, then turned off the shower and stepped out to quickly dry. He wished he could retreat to his own room, but with a deep breath he turned off the bathroom light and made his way back to Jensen's bed.  
     Jared had figured he could easily beg off the shower if Jensen brought it up, however it wasn't an issue. Jared stared down at the man, fast asleep between black cotton sheets. He was stunningly handsome, beautiful even. The nearly effeminate features Jared vaguely recalled having gracefully taken a more rugged turn with age. With brutal honesty, Jared admitted to himself that he was attracted to the man – and not only physically. Over the last couple of weeks he'd found himself liking the Jensen he was coming to know. Sighing heavily, Jared climbed into bed next to him.

**~ J & J ~**

     Jared shuffled into the kitchen, not even paying Jensen a glance as he made a bee line for the coffee maker.

     "How'd you sleep?" Jensen asked, shaking out his paper before folding it and laying it down. Daily news in paper format – as well as actual paper bound books – had only just made a reemergence in the last few years. Old diehards were overjoyed at a new generation fascinated by the tried and true way reading material had previously been distributed – before everyone had gone solely to e-readers and palm held devices.

     "Fine," Jared grumbled, reaching for his mug.

     Jensen had woken early, gazing at Jared's sleeping form for hours as he continued running theories about the younger man through his head. That Jared may never have even… He had to know. "Jared?"

     "Yeah?"

     "Have you ever had sex with a man before?"

     The sound of Jared's coffee mug shattering on the floor came in response.

     "Shit!" Jared yelled, jumping back from the splash of burning coffee.

     Jensen was up and around the island in a flash, grabbing ice cubes from the freezer and pulling Jared back from the mess on the floor. "Come on, get back. Sit down and let me see."

     Jared started to fight against Jensen tugging him to a dinning room chair, then gave up to only offer verbal resistance, "I don't need you doing this. I'm fine. Really."

     "Yeah, well, I see at least one nasty red welt on your leg that says otherwise." Jensen knelt down and ran an ice cube along the burn, looking to see if there were more. Except for an additional blooming spot on the opposite foot, that seemed to be the worst of it. Jensen went and got the first-aid kit, coming back and placing a chair in front of Jared. He sat and lifted Jared's leg onto his lap.

     "Seriously, man. You don't–"

     "I'm sorry. Should have probably eased into that question," Jensen cut Jared off with his apology, ignoring the protest and applying the burn ointment. "Just been running through my head since last night, driving me crazy."

     Jared huffed, rolling his eyes as he caught Jensen’s expectant look. "Yes! Alright? I've been with a guy before."

     Jensen couldn't stop the words as they tumbled out after a smug snort, "What? Some one-time go at teenage experimentation?"

     "Fuck you!" Jared jerked his leg back off of Jensen, standing up fast enough to leave the chair he'd deserted perilously close to tipping over.

     "I prefer to top, thanks, and I thought… Hell, I don't know what I thought! Sure as shit didn't figure you'd go and sign-on for five years of gay sex if you weren't even into it though!" Jensen couldn't keep his voice from rising. He was more than frustrated, perhaps even growing angry as he watched Jared pace back and forth in front of the windows like a caged animal.

     Jared halted and threw up his hands. "Who said I wasn't… Look, I've been with more women than men, alright? But I did have a boyfriend in college. We just," Jared paused, turning towards the windows, "we never did…"

     Jensen sighed, the sound trailing off into a low growl as he tugged at the back of his neck. "So you've never been fucked?"

     Shoulders visibly tensing, Jared's reply was barely audible, "I have. Tw…once. First year of college, we were both wasted and it was fast, and frantic, and I didn't even know the guy's name. Then came Dylan, and after that I met my ex, Lisa. We were together until right before…well, all this."

     Slamming the first-aid kit down on the table, Jensen fought the urge to stride over and grab Jared by the shoulders to shake him. "Why, Jared? Why the _hell_ would you take a CP Contract that required weekly ass reamings when you knew–"

     "That's the best that was offered, Jensen! There was only one offer from a female, and she wanted to keep her PSC on a freakin' leash – literally! And the rest… Man, you don't even want to know! So when Brett told me about you…" Jared choked back something between a snarl and a sob. Letting his weight lean heavily against the wall of windows, he defensively crossed his arms across his chest. "I fucking swear, Jensen… I thought it would be alright. Figured it'd take a little getting used to, but…it's not like getting fucked was something I was abhorrently against. Just no way I was ever expecting… I didn't think I'd be this nervous."

     Jensen got the distinct impression there was something Jared was leaving out. Something significant. He didn't push though. The younger man was already laying himself pretty damn open for Jensen, despite the guarded body language he was displaying. Standing, Jensen made his way over to the windows, two down from Jared, eyes turned but unfocused to the cloudless sky. "Did you enjoy it?"

     "What?" Jared grunted, defensive and puzzled.

     "Last night. Did you like it?"

     "You made me cum twice, dude. What the hell do you think?"

     "I think that I thought you did. But I also apparently thought a few things mistakenly. For all I know you hated it, your body simply responding naturally to the stimulation. Maybe you took that shower because–"

     "I liked it, alright? Didn't think anything or…or anyone, could make me feel that good. You didn't… It's not like you…"

     Jensen turned at the crack of Jared's voice, could see the tears welling up in his eyes. Fuck. Only hesitating a moment, he closed the distance between them and pulled Jared into a tight hug. Holding him, Jared unresisting though tense in his arms, Jensen thought if he were a better man he would let Jared off the hook sexually. Not officially as to draw attention, just between them agree Jared didn't have to fulfill those obligations. He simply didn't believe he had it in him though. Living with Jared under his roof and not going mad with want for the man. Even if he got sex elsewhere, he feared it would always feel like a taunt. Five years of suffering undeliberate cock teasing. "I think we should dissolve our contract."

     Jared jerked back, the expression of dismay on his face causing Jensen a physical pain. "What? No, Jensen! Please!"

     "Jared, Jared, listen to me, alright? I know you're terrified of the alternatives, but I promise you I'll use every connection I have to get you a better CP. It's difficult, not impossible."

     "I told you I liked it!" Tears slid down Jared's face as he trembled in front of Jensen.

     "Damn it, Jared! I can't do this! I can't live with you here and not want you, and I won't feel guilty every time I have sex with you!"

     "Then don't! I signed-on for this, Jensen. What I'm willing to do with my body is up to me…even if it's giving it to you."

     Jensen's brow creased, eyes narrowing and head shaking in a confused side-to-side sway. Again he was missing something, Jared's last words not seeming right and feeling far too personal.

     Jared sniffled, wiping his flushed face with the back of his hand as he tried to compose himself. "Please, let's make this work. Maybe… Maybe just show me a little patience and ease me into it the next couple of times. I realize I have no right to ask that. You've already been more than generous, giving me time. But, I don't know, maybe you can just consider my other attributes outside of sex worth the effort."

     "Man, come on. It's not even that I mind your inexperience – and, shit, in some ways I can see it getting me going a little, but… I don't want to feel like I'm forcing you."

     "This – our contract – it is what it is, Jensen. I'm telling you I'm alright with that, and asking you to be too."

     Jensen stepped over to the window, lower lip caught between his teeth as he let his forehead rest against the smooth glass. He wasn't an idiot. Jared was purposefully manipulating his words, and Jensen understood the doublespeak loud and clear. Jared didn't want this, he was merely resigned to it. He was also terrified. _That,_ Jared probably hadn't intended to reveal. However, even after he'd calmed, Jensen could nearly feel the fear radiating off of him.   
     Despite how Jared seemed to have issue with him specifically, his placement with Jensen was something _known_. All of the other options? If it wasn't already an obviously violent and/or demeaning one, it was an _unknown_ with the potential to be just as bad or worse. Jensen would be afraid too. If Jared had taken him up on his offer, Jensen would've made every effort to see Jared in a more fitting contract. But as it stood… "Fine."

     "You won't dissolve the contract?"

     Jensen turned, searching Jared's eyes. This man, this PSC that was supposed to be the answer to all of Jensen's relationship issues, was turning him inside out more than any of his past significant others combined. "No."

**~ J & J ~**


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

     Jared had wondered, back after Jensen had made the offer to find him another Convict Proprietor, if he would regret not taking it. It hadn't been a for sure thing though. While Jensen had lofty connections, it was still a shot in the dark. Jared could have ended up in a worse position. And the truth of it was – his past with Jensen aside – he had it good for a PSC.  
     He essentially had everything he needed, and much he wanted. Most of the events they attended, and activities they did, opened up a new and exciting world to Jared. With his resolve in place to lock away the memories of the rape as best he could, he was even able to admit that keeping company with Jensen? Wasn't much of a hardship. And the sex… There were times Jared struggled against horrific flashes of that night. The vivid recall like a living, breathing entity he fought to subdue. While it was all kinds of screwed up, after the fourth or fifth time of it happening Jared discovered switching out one nightmare for another was the key. Letting the brutality and humiliation of something that had never been – the savagery of prison, or service to a depraved CP – bleed in and blot out the traumatic ordeal from the past. From there he was able to let the _now_ sweep in and sooth him. To find appreciation for what he had and welcome Jensen's touch. The truth of it was, when Jared relaxed and let go, Jensen could work his body in ways… It was as if Jared was the instrument and Jensen was the consummate musician.  
     During their second go in the bedroom, Jared had managed to surprise Jensen with his own set of skills. While not quite the master Jensen was, Jared sucked cock like a pro. The head of Jensen's shaft sliding into his throat, Jared had actually choked from laughing when he caught the expression of complete shock on the man's face. Pulling off with a smirk, Jared had reminded Jensen that he'd indeed had a boyfriend, and while they didn't fuck each other, that simply left them to perfect other forms of pleasure. After Jensen had spilled himself down Jared's throat with a virtual howl, he'd slowly worked Jared open to take three fingers – Jared a quivering, blissed-out, sweaty mess on the bed by the time he came.  
     The third time, Jensen fucked him. Had Jared actually begging for it before he took him slow and easy. Jensen had been so utterly tender with him – soothing words, gentle touches and soft kisses, refusing to take up a hard and fast pace – that Jared honestly had a difficult time referring back to it as fucking. If they were a couple, he'd have rightfully called it love-making.  
     So far, each time Jensen had penetrated him it had been from behind. Whenever Jensen tried to take him face-to-face, Jared deflected. Insisted it felt better another way or, most often, simply repositioned himself. Jensen had yet to complain. As long as Jared didn't have to look up into Jensen's face when the man was inside him, or feel Jensen's weight bearing down on him while wedged between his thighs, Jared could handle it. Even enjoy it.  
     Nearly two months had already gone by. While it obviously wasn't a situation Jared would have chosen for himself, he was grateful. Theater performances and fancy dinners in place of fighting for dominance and survival in a filthy prison. CPs looking for someone to abuse and humiliate compared to Jensen's overwhelming kindness and care. Despite the odd, even cruel, twist of fate, Jared realized just how damn lucky he was.

**~ J & J ~**

     "Yeah, Dad, I know it's a big deal. And I want to be there, just… You know I only have every other Sunday contracted, and things are going good. I don't want to–"

     Jensen of course couldn't hear the other side of the conversation that had cut Jared off. He didn't even mean to be eavesdropping. Jared was so engrossed in his call with his father, he hadn't even noticed Jensen arriving home early from work.

     "Fine. I'll ask. But I can't promise anything. I know, tell Mama I love her too. Yes, Dad, I told you Jensen treats me… He's good to me, Dad."

     A tingly warmth rushed up from Jensen's chest to his cheeks as he ducked his head and tugged at the back of his neck. Feeling like a creeper overhearing what little he had, Jensen pointedly cleared his throat as he set down his briefcase on the coffee table.

     Jared whipped around where he stood in the kitchen, eyes shyly dodging away from meeting Jensen's gaze. "Yeah, alright. Look, Dad, I gotta go. I'll get back to you in a day or two. Yup. Uh-huh. Me too. Bye."

     "I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to intrude." Taking off his suit jacket, Jensen draped it over the back of the sofa before making his way into the kitchen for a bottle of water.

     "No, it's…'s fine. Was just my dad."

     "So I gathered." Jensen smiled warmly as he watched Jared fidget with the phone. "I couldn't help overhear, is there something your folks want you to attend?"

     "I…yeah. But really, it's not a big–"

     Jensen set his water down and took the phone out of Jared's hands. He was starting to worry the guy would destroy the thing in his nervous paws. "Jared, relax. We haven't talked much about your family, or friends. But if there is something… What I mean is, you can have more than every other Sunday to spend time with them. Or even to do stuff that you want. I… I apologize. I should have thought to make that clear. As long as you run it by me, make sure there isn't a conflict – and kinda since the contract requires I always know your general whereabouts – you're free to do things."

     Jared looked up from the curtain of bangs he kept just a tad too long, making them easy to hide behind when his face was downcast. "Really?"

     Laughing lightly, Jensen couldn't resist brushing the bangs back before placing a quick kiss on Jared's lips. When Jared blinked, looking just as surprised as Jensen felt, he realized it was the first time he'd kissed Jared. Well, they'd kissed – though not much. Jensen for some reason found kissing more emotionally intimate in nature than most sex acts. Just, they'd never…there was no heat behind it, simply affection. His own eyes blinking in a nervous, rapid succession, Jensen took a step back before answering, "Yeah, really. Jared, I can't say that you're free to live your life the way you did before. I mean, I know you're not even allowed to operate your photography business. But that doesn't mean you can't still do some of the things you normally would. Especially seeing your family and friends more often. Hell, I don't even care if you invite them over. Throw some dinner parties or something."

     Eyes fixed on Jensen in disbelief, Jared stood silently shaking his head for a few awkward moments. "I don't get you, Jensen. I really don't."

     Trying to come off casual, Jensen shrugged as he took a swig of his water. "Meh. I don't get you either, Jared."

     Still shaking his head, mop of chestnut hair swaying with the motion, Jared ducked his head down and laughed.

     "So, gonna tell me when this…whatever it is, with your family is? I'll check our social calendar and see if I can make it work for you."

     "My nephew Skyler's first birthday. Melissa's little boy. Some aunts and uncles, cousins, are even flying in. We haven't managed a family reunion in a couple years so anyone who's schedule was open is coming. It's the Saturday after next, out on my folk's farm."

     Jensen nodded, pulling out his phone to check his calendar. "The tenth, right?"

     "Yeah."

     Rolling his bottom lip between his forefinger and thumb, Jensen considered the scheduled event. He wanted Jared to have this, and it really was enough time to bow out of couple's tennis and lunch with his co-worker.

     "Come on, Jensen. I can tell there's something on the calendar already, and like I said–"

     "It's not a problem. Sending off an e-mail right now to cancel," Jensen paused, a sudden thought occurring to him. "Shit. What might be a problem though… You said it's at your folk's place?"

     "Uh-huh." Jared's eyebrow quirked, his face then settling into an expression of realization. "In Humboldt. Damn."

     "It's not likely anyone who matters would discover I let you go out of the city limits without me, but if they did–"

     "We'd both be in deep."

     "Exactly."

     Jared sighed, walking around the kitchen island to drop onto one of the stools. "Thanks anyway, Jensen. It honestly means a–"

     "I could go with you."

     "Excuse me?" Jared had that look again, like Jensen had sprouted another head.

     "If you wanted. I mean, I don't know what you've told your family and friends, and I realize it might be kinda strange for you. But…"

     "You would do that for me? Seriously?"

     "I…yeah." Taken aback by his own offer and willingness, Jensen decided the smile spreading across Jared's face already took the sting out of any regrets he might have. He could count on one hand the number of times he'd seen Jared smile big enough to bring the younger man's dimples out of hiding. And each time, it was like some marvelous physical warmth seeping into Jensen and making him happy from the inside out.

**~ J & J ~**

     "So," Jared startled at the arm suddenly slung around his shoulder, "does he make you do really fucked up shit in the bedroom? Or bring stuff to him with your mouth on hands and knees?"

     "Dude!" Jared turned toward his little brother with a look of appalled horror.

     "Sorry, bro, just want to make sure 'cause right about now? Not feelin' all that guilty about letting you take the wrap for me."

     Both men were staring out into the back yard where Jensen was – sweaty, but smiling and laughing as he played Tickle Monster with a few of the younger kids.

     Jared shoved Kyle, hard, before smacking him upside the back of his head. "You damn well better be feeling guilty, jackass! Just because Jensen's… Doesn't mean I still haven't sacrificed everything for you. So help me, if you don't get that…"

     Kyle held up his hands in surrender, a smile on his face but blue eyes reflecting a somber sadness. "I get it, Jare. Still think you should've let–"

     "Dad still got you putting in early mornings? Six days a week?"

     "Yeah." Kyle displayed the work rough skin on his palms to Jared. Most traditional farms, and farmers, were swiftly dying out. But old diehards could make a substantial living by continuing to produce without the aid of modern methods. Essentially catering to a specialized market.

     "Well that's punishment enough." Jared reached out and yanked his brother back to his side, free hand mussing up the younger sibling's perfectly coiffed blonde spikes.

     "How is it, really?" Kyle questioned, meek and unsure, like he was hesitant to hear the truth.

     "I miss my life, my freedom, can't deny that. But I did a ton of research and…fuck, bro…how it could have gone? Made me feel all the more crazy for doing this, but so damn glad too. If you would've ended up… I couldn't have handled it. And it would have killed Mama and Dad."

     "He's good to you? Dad says you told him he is, but–"

     "He is. Jensen's," Jared gazed out at the man buried beneath a wiggling blanket of toddlers, "a good guy. I…I got lucky." None of his family knew about the rape. With the exception of his first girlfriend, no one did. Even if they had he wouldn't want them to know it was Jensen. Besides, he wasn't lying. He did get lucky. While Jensen had raped him all those years ago, the jarring truth of it was the man quite possibly saved him from years of it in prison. As much as the world had progressed in terms of equality and peace over the past fifty years, the prison system had only declined.

     A flustered woman burst into the kitchen, mirth tinted panic widening her gentle blue eyes. "Boys! Quick, your father is trying to man the grill!"

     Images of explosive flames shooting up into the sky at last year's Labor Day barbecue filled Jared's mind. Looking from his mama to Kyle, both he and his brother made a mad dash for the back yard.

**~ ~ ~**

     "Hey, I wondered where–" Jared froze. He hadn't even thought… He'd gone in search of Jensen, the man missing for some time after excusing himself to the restroom, and now Jared had found him – standing in the family room, eyes fixed on the family photos sitting along the fireplace mantel. Jared couldn't believe that the possibility of Jensen seeing old photos of him had never occurred to him.

     "That's you?" Jensen pointed to a photo of Jared and his girlfriend at their Junior prom.

     Jared nodded his head as he cautiously made his way forward next to Jensen.

     "You've changed quite a bit. Your facial features. You…" Jensen trailed off, picking up a photo from a camping trip.

     Jared recalled the memory, the snapshot taken merely a few months before… "Jensen?" Jared's voice shook. He saw the way Jensen was gazing hard at the image, brow buckling and lower lip caught between his teeth.

     "You said you used to visit your sister on campus?" Jensen's eyes remained transfixed on the younger Jared.

     "Ye…yeah." Jared's heart was pounding…too hard, too fast.

     After setting the frame carefully back in its place, Jensen turned to Jared. "I just…there's something… I must have seen you around. I don't know. Something familiar."

     Jared felt ill.

     "There you are!" Jared's sister hurried across the room and thrust a camera at Jared's chest. "Come on. Mama's about to bring out the cake and no way are you not getting pictures of this."

     Tendrils of grave intensity from his moment with Jensen still lingering, Jared turned focus from one distressing issue in his life to another as he gazed sorrowfully at the camera held limply in his hands. "Mel, you know I don't–"

     Melissa sighed heavily, brown eyes flecked with gold drifting to Jensen, then back to her towering little brother. "They can keep you from your business, but they can't take your art away from you. Not unless you let them. Please, Jared. Not just for me and Skyler, but for yourself."

     With a shy smile, Jensen stepped beside Jared and took hold of the camera. "I'll take them." Ignoring the glare Melissa shot him, Jensen examined the camera. "I mean, the way I take photos the kid will come out looking deformed – all red-eyed and blurry – and I'll miss half the–"

     "Gimme that!" Jared wrenched the camera from Jensen's grasp, and huffed in annoyance as the man chuckled.

     Waggling a finger at Jensen, soft brown curls bouncing as she shook her head, Melissa smirked. "You? I officially like. Despite the whole college frat boy stupidity."

     "Ohhh no," Jensen groaned.

     "Oh yes! Four words for you, Ackles. Toga. Commando. Pledge week."

     "You do _not_ remember that!" Jensen's cheeks flushed in mortification.

     " _Everyone_ remembers that!" Melissa laughed, wrapping a friendly arm around Jensen's waist and leading him through the house and back outside.

     Jared followed, turning quickly to glance at the younger photos of himself, then back at Jensen in front of him. The thought that Jensen didn't remember that night had occurred to Jared more than once…now he was nearly certain of it.

**~ ~ ~**

     "I think my family wants to adopt you," Jared broke the silence that had lingered between them on the drive back to the city, Jensen chuckling at the statement in response.

     "Can't say that's an entirely unpleasant thought. Your family is…like something out of a Norman Rockwell painting."

     "Oh come on, man! Not fair. No _way_ we are that hokey!"

     "Alright, but still. Honestly, I don't think I've ever seen a family that warm and fun loving. And all those extended members? Caring to come together like that?"

     "Seriously?" Jared balked.

     Glancing away briefly from the quiet stretch of highway, Jensen looked over and met Jared's scrutinizing gaze. "Seriously. Not my friend's when I was growing up, and certainly none of my co-worker's families. It was…nice. Really nice. Refreshing even."

     "What about your family?" Jared presented the question tentatively.

     Jensen turned his eyes back to the road and shrugged. "Just my mom. Never had any siblings, and my dad died while I was still in high school."

     "I'm sorry. That had to have been rough. Were you close?"

     "Not like you and your dad seem, but in our own way," Jensen paused, then went on to spare Jared anymore uneasy prodding. It was obvious he was curious. "I know I have aunts and uncles, cousins, but my parents never kept in contact except for Christmas cards so I don't really know them. My dad's parents died before I was even born, and then my Mom's both passed before I was ten. My folks had me in their forties. Mom joked that I was Dad's early mid-life crisis."

     Jared laughed.

     "Speaking of my mother, she's feeling a bit of jealousy over me going to meet your family so, I…uh, kinda promised her we'd do dinner next week. I mean, if you're alright with that?"

     "Not that I'd have a right to say no, but after what you did for me today? I wouldn't if I could."

     "It was my pleasure, Jared, I mean it. Between you and me? I had a way better time than I would have playing tennis." Jensen absently reached over and squeezed Jared's thigh. It was another one of those easy, yet intimate, touches he'd been giving Jared. Something that seemed to equally unnerve both men. Trying for casual, he pulled his hand back and wrapped it tight around the steering wheel. "I'll make reservations for the three of us tomorrow."

     Jared mindlessly ran his hand repeatedly up and down his denim clad thigh. "I, um…could cook if you wanted?"

     Shooting Jared a quick smile, Jensen shook his head. "Nah. Mom likes to go out – see and be seen. She's not a snob, but does savor the socialite lifestyle. I guarantee you she'll run into at least two or three people she knows, and she'll want to show us off to anyone she can. Think–"

     "Schmoozing?"

     Jensen grinned. "Pretty much."

**~ J & J ~**

     Jensen sidled up beside Jared in the kitchen, the man washing a few of the after dinner dishes by hand and putting the rest into the dishwasher. "So, Mom's really looking forward to Thursday night. You sure you're still okay with it?"

     Jared shrugged, handing over a wine glass for Jensen to dry. "Little nervous I guess. Not that it matters, but…I mean, she knows. You know?"

     Nodding, Jensen placed the stemware back in the cupboard. "Yeah, but remember, she's been after me for awhile to do this. She's happy about it, and honestly? More excited about meeting you than she's been over any of the last few people I dated."

     "That just…seems so damn weird to me." Jared paused, shaking his head before draining the sink and rinsing it.

     "You and me both, man." Jensen hung up the dishtowel then turned and leaned back against the counter. "Think she just wants me content, and knows my relationships weren't cutting it."

     "So is this – me – better? Are you more content?" Jared gave a shy, side-ways glance to Jensen, moving to place the leftovers in the fridge.

     Leering at Jared's ass as the man bent over, Jensen licked his lips and nodded eagerly – though Jared couldn't see him. "Yeah. Yeah, I think I am." Stepping up behind him and pressing into his back as Jared stood, Jensen wrapped a hand around the front of his hip and whispered against the nape of his neck, "You busy tonight?"

     Jared snorted, light and amused. "I don't know, am I?"

     Hooking fingers through a couple of Jared's belt loops as the man turned, Jensen tugged playfully, but insistently, towards the bedroom. "Yeah. Definitely."

**~ J & J ~**

     It was becoming an issue – Jensen trying to pin him against the bed and take him face-to-face. Jared used every excuse he could think of, from physical discomfort, to it feeling too intimate and him not being ready for that. Always he buffered it by eagerly offering himself on his side, belly, knees, bent over the closest piece of furniture, chest flat against the wall – anything to avoid Jensen inside him the same way he'd been that night.  
     Overall, Jared thought he was doing a damn good job of making things work. While at times he was still conflicted, he honestly liked Jensen – way more than he ever expected or thought he could. The same went for the sex. Jared wondered if it made him warped, or just lucky, that he was able to enjoy it to the extent he did. Still, when he found himself beneath Jensen – the man pressed firm between his thighs and gazing down with those lust blown hazel-green eyes – Jared panicked. It was a knee-jerk reaction, and nothing he'd done in attempt to prevent it or shake it had worked.

**~ ~ ~**

     Trembling with equal parts intense pleasure and rising anxiety, Jared stared down at Jensen between his legs – sucking him like he was starving for it. Jared was so close, the way Jensen's throat worked around the head of his swollen shaft, but the broken sob that accompanied his release sounded with a tinge of distress at what was coming.

     Sure enough, after he'd sucked every last drop of cum from Jared's spent cock, Jensen moved like a shot up between Jared's thighs, placing the head of his thick cock at the already prepped entrance.

     Jensen was getting sneaky, Jared nearly too distracted coming down from his orgasm to stop the man. At the last second, fear rising high as he looked up at Jensen hovering above him, Jared lurched sideways and rolled, quickly getting to his knees and thrusting his ass back against Jensen.

     "Damn it, Jared!"

     Jared flinched at the harsh curse, yet still reached back a hand to grope for Jensen's cock. "Come on, want you."

     Jensen snorted, snide and angry. "Sure you do."

     Feeling Jensen shift around on the bed, Jared turned to watch him drop down on his side of the bed – deliberately facing away from Jared. Not entirely sure what to do, Jared moved in behind him and brought his hand around to find the erection he knew still lingered.

     "Just…stop!" Jensen slapped Jared's hand away, none too lightly.

     "Jensen, I'm–"

     "Goodnight, Jared."

     At the growl of Jensen's words, Jared backed off. He debated getting up and leaving the room, but since Jensen hadn't told him to leave – or stay – Jared simply rolled over onto the other side of the huge bed. Curling up under the covers – and in on himself – he bit back silent tears of frustration.

**~ J & J ~**

     Jared had been awake most of the night, troubled thoughts refusing to quiet. There was nothing more he could do, no ways left for him to give and flex, yet it wasn't enough. He must have finally dozed off sometime before Jensen woke, sleeping through the man getting up for work and leaving.  
     By the time Jensen got home Jared still had no answers.  
     Having been in his room when he heard the jangle of keys in the front door and footsteps in the hall, Jared hesitantly made his way to Jensen's bedroom. Less than an hour before they were set to leave for dinner with Jensen's mother – if they were still going – Jared figured the man would be getting ready.  
     Jared knocked on the door and waited. When no answer came, even after a second louder rap, Jared carefully opened the door and called out Jensen's name. The room empty, he caught the distinct splash of water in the shower, and the sound of it cutting off. Turning to leave, figuring he'd come back in ten minutes or so, Jared paused at Jensen's voice.

     "What's up?"

     Pivoting back around, Jared met Jensen's questioning stare. Although the man was trying to come off casual, Jared couldn't mistake the hard glint in narrowed eyes, nor the way Jensen's jaw clenched tight. Jared watched him move to the closet, a towel wrapped low around his hips and water droplets still lingering on his bare torso. "I, um… Tonight, anything specific you want me to wear?"

     Jensen huffed, strolling out from his walk-in with his own choice of attire for the evening in hand. "You can wear what you want, Jared. You know where we're going, what's appropriate."

     Lower lip rolling between his teeth, Jared looked down at his hands, fingers nervously fussing with the hem of his t-shirt. "I do, yeah, just…" He looked up at Jensen expectantly, though for what exactly he didn't know. Just some sign that–

     "What?" Jensen snapped, peering hard at Jared.

     Jared flinched, hands freezing. "Nothing. I'll go get ready." Turning, he rushed for the door.

     "Jared."

     Jared halted in the doorway but didn't look at Jensen or reply.

     "She likes the color green."

     Nodding, Jared hurried to go get dressed.

**~ J & J ~**

     "Mom, this is Jared. Jared, my mother." Jensen moved from his mother, having stood on her arrival to kiss her cheek, and situated in closer to Jared to place a supportive hand against the nervous man's lower back.

     Holding out his hand, Jared smiled shyly, just a hint of dimples making a slight but charming appearance. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Ackles."

     Forgoing the offered hand, the woman stepped in to hug him and pulled his head down to kiss his cheek – a startled and blushing Jared nearly having to bend in half for the peck. "My aren't you a strapping and delicious thing! And please, call me Darla."

     Jensen chuckled at the fierce crimson flushing Jared's face, almost the same shade of lipstick his mom had left on the man's skin. Pulling a handkerchief from his suit jacket pocket, Jensen smiled warmly as he wiped away the mark. "Mom, behave. I have to keep this one. Don't need you scaring him."

     "Oh stop!" Jensen's mother swatted playfully at her son's arm, a bejeweled hand then rising to preen her strawberry-blonde hair. "I'm nothing but a joy. Besides, I'm sure he's quite used to being fawned over, adorable as he is. Why, I bet his own mother lights up at those precious dimples!"

     Jared nearly choked as he fell into laughter, the jovial side of him coming out from beneath the blanket of apprehension. Taking Jensen's mother's hands in his, Jared leaned closer to her. "And, Darla, you would win that bet!"

     His mother's delighted tinkle of amusement ringing through the restaurant, Jensen shook his head, relieved to see that – just as he'd managed with everyone in Jensen's life – Jared had this. Jensen figured his mom would eagerly be eating out of the palm of Jared's hand by the end of the night – though he cringed at the literal thought of that.

**~ ~ ~**

     Dinner went perfectly, despite Jensen's earlier cringe worthy thought being more a premonition – Jared having fed his mom a forkful of cheesecake. Leave it to Jared to somehow make the gesture far from suggestive and entirely endearing.  
     Just as Jensen had warned, the woman indulged in showing off her successful son and his stunning partner to a total of five of her friends. In addition, she refused to cease gushing over how beautiful a couple they made to their agreeing waitress.  
     At the end of the night Jared agreed to a lunch date with her in the coming weeks, and to accompany her to an art exhibit as well. Jensen had said no, chastising his mother for even asking and putting Jared on the spot. Jared, however, had spoken up and insisted it was actually something he wanted to attend, and would be more than happy to escort her.

**~ J & J ~**

     Stopping at his bedroom door, Jensen leaned against the frame and gazed at Jared. "I can still get you out of it. She shouldn't have–"

     "Jensen, really, enough. I know I didn't have to, but I wanted to. Your mom is nice. I love her vitality, even her flirtation. It's sweet."

     "Sweet?"

     Jared chuckled. "Yeah. I know it's harmless, and it makes her happy."

     Smirking, Jensen shook his head. "Fine. Just don't feel obligated when she tries to rope you into something else, 'cause she will."

     "I'm sure she will, and I promise I'll politely decline, or even say I have to check with you, if I don't want to accept."

     "Alright then." Jensen nodded and smiled, his eyes catching the uncertain shift in Jared's gaze as he reached back to open his bedroom door. "Night, Jared. It was a great evening." Stepping into his room, Jensen closed the door on Jared's surprised expression.  
     It was true, Jensen almost always took Jared into his bed after an evening out. Despite the nice time they'd had though, the previous night's disappointment still weighed heavy on Jensen's mind.  
     Had Jared simply declared fucking face-to-face too intimate, and not used other excuses interchangeably, Jensen could have boughten it – likely even accepted it and let the matter go. As it was, he was only confused and angered by the situation. The evaded position was one he enjoyed, liked the feel of a hard cock rubbing against his belly as he pounded into a man's ass. And without a reasonable explanation as to why Jared refused to indulge him, it only made him want it all the more.  
     Getting ready for bed, Jensen came to the decision that the next time they had sex he was pushing the issue.

**~ J & J ~**


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

     "You, my friend, were awesome!" Jensen whooped loudly as he dropped his gym bag on the living room floor, laughter quickly following at the grand and exaggerated bow Jared took.

     Standing back upright, Jared grinned and started to blush a little. "Really though, it was nothing."

     "Nothing?" Jensen retorted. "Oh no, no-no. Daring to actually beat my boss – the freakin' head honcho of the company – at squash? And then proceeding to get the stunned man to chuckle good-naturedly about it? No way that's nothing. That puts the damn 'awe' in awesome!"

     "Come on, it's just–"

     Jensen grabbed Jared's face and cut him off with a kiss. "You. Altogether your perfect, intelligent, gorgeous, and charming self. I know." Pausing, eyes searching sheepish hazel, Jensen slowly licked his lips before leaning back in to reclaim Jared's mouth.

     Lost in the high of the moment – and the way Jensen's talented tongue worked into his mouth setting off a steady explosion of spine (and groin) tingling sensations – Jared moaned into the kiss. Hands reaching around and gliding down to Jensen's ass of their own volition, he growled, "Want you." Heart suddenly racing hard enough to feel the thump of his pulse points, the shock of his own words was only diminished by the jarring realization of the truth in them.

     "Fuck, Jared," Jensen groaned, deepening his assault on Jared's mouth as he walked him backwards and shoved him hard into the wall.

     Tongues entwined, and limbs equally tangled, Jared fumbled with the drawstring on Jensen's gym shorts as they both struggled to get down to skin. A full body shiver didn't help his focus or coordination, Jensen's fingers ghosting across his ribcage as he rucked up Jared's t-shirt. Pulling back from the kiss with an annoyed huff, Jared grumbled breathlessly, "Clothes, off."

     With a brisk nod of agreement, their bodies separated barely long enough to strip before Jensen had their lips crashing together again. Fingers running through long chestnut strands, he tilted Jared's head back to kiss and nip along his jaw and down his neck.

     Panting harder the lower Jensen's kisses went, Jared hissed at the brief play of teeth against his nipples. Looking down, his eyes locked with Jensen's. Those eyes, heated and displaying all of the sheer hunger the man held for him, it magnified the pleasure thrumming through Jared's body. It was intoxicating knowing just how much Jensen wanted him.      Watching the man go down on his knees in front of him, Jared was sure Jensen would suck down his already hardening shaft, and was surprised when he gave a wicked smirk and spun Jared around instead.

     Grabbing a firm cheek in each hand, Jensen hummed appreciatively as he squeezed and parted the smooth globes. "Damn, Jared, do you even know…" Jensen's breath shuddered audibly with his deep inhale. "Gonna work you open with my tongue. You want that, Jare?"

     "Yyy…yes! Please, Jensen," Jared barely had the words out before his eyes rolled back into his head. Jensen wasn't easing into it. No gentle teasing flicks of his tongue, but diving right in to press long, hard licks over Jared's hole – repetitive laps, thick with saliva, to wet the way for Jensen's tongue to fuck right up into Jared's body.

     "Taste so good. Swear I could get off just eating your ass. Think you could cum from this too, Jare? My mouth and tongue working your tight hole?"

     All Jared could manage was a pathetic whimper.

     "Bet you could…another time. Right now," Jensen slowly stood, his body shimmying up the long line of Jared's, "I think you need something more."

     Jared could feel the press of Jensen's rigid cock between his ass cheeks. "Oh fuck," the words burst forth in a breathy exhale.

     Jensen chuckled, the sound low and sultry. "Bedroom."

     Nodding dazedly, Jared let himself be guided down the hall to Jensen's room. When they reached the edge of the bed Jared climbed onto the mattress, ass in the air and primed for Jensen. "Fuck me, Jensen. Please."

     Coming up behind him, Jensen ran a hand down Jared's side and along his ass, then planted a series of kisses against his lower back and tailbone. "Turn over."

     "Jensen, just take me. Need it."

     "And I'm gonna give you what you need, but not like this. Not this time." Gentle but insistent, Jensen maneuvered Jared onto his back.

     "I ca…can't… Je…Jens–"

     "Shhh. Relax." Jensen hitched the endless length of Jared's legs around his waist, coated his cock with the lube he'd quickly grabbed from the nightstand, and lined up against Jared's entrance.

     Jared bit hard into his lip. His body still wanted it, cock leaking against his belly and ass ready to grind down against the promise of Jensen's dick. But his mind, mere seconds ago fully on board… If he could just fight it! Close his eyes and let the pleasure continue to consume him… "Ahhh!"

     Jensen didn't end the steady thrust until he was fully sheathed in Jared's body. "So perfect, Jared. Please, wanna make you feel so fucking good."

     He wanted that too, he really did, and Jared nodded – eyes still clenched shut – as he focused on the exquisite sensation of Jensen's cock inside him.

     "Yeah, that's it. Let it go, Jared." Jensen ducked down, and nuzzled along the exposed line of Jared's neck before nipping and sucking at the pounding pulse point.

     Jared's eyes shot open at the zing of pleasure-pain as Jensen bit into his tender flesh, and that was it… His mind taking in the sight of Jensen over him – thrusting inside him – it was like a switch… Jared went cold.

**~ ~ ~**

     Jensen couldn't keep the wanton grin off of his face. Finally, not only did he have Jared beneath him – face-to-face – but Jared wanted it…him. Lifting up his head from sucking a mark into Jared's neck, Jensen looked down to gaze at Jared. He wanted to lock his eyes with Jared's, see the heat there as he brought them both off. Startled by the blank expression that greeted him, his hand came up quickly to cup Jared's cheek. "Hey, Jared? What…does it hurt?"

     Shaking his head, Jared remained silent.

     "Then what? Tell me what's wrong." Jensen could feel his level of panic rising, his hips stilling from their languid roll.

     " 's fine. Nothing."

     Not only was Jensen positive Jared was lying, the man was doing a complete one-eighty on him. Jensen was nearly suffocating in his confusion. "Come on, Jared. I thought…no, I _KNOW_ you wanted this."

     Something icy and broken flashed in Jared's eyes before he turned his head to look away from Jensen, his words sharp and biting like shards of glass, "Yeah? And I'm doing it."

     "That's bullshit! You've totally shut down on me, no reason, and…and…" Jensen couldn't stop the anger welling up inside of him. Whatever games Jared was playing, he was sick of it. "A dead fish would be a better fucking lay than this!"

     Jared snorted bitterly. "I don't remember anything in the contract about performance expectations."

     The words struck with the weight of a fist, and so help him Jensen wanted to hit Jared back. Nostrils flaring, Jensen balled up his fists in the comforter as he pulled out from Jared – none too gently. "Fuck you, Jared," he growled. "Grab your clothes and get the hell out of my room."

**~ J & J ~**

     Two days of absolute avoidance (complete with a missed social function) – after Jared had rushed from Jensen's bedroom to his own shower, sobbing beneath the hard pound until the water ran cold. One day of glaring silence. It was three days before Jared broke over and spoke. For all the good it did, he may as well have not tried at all.

     "Jensen, can we–"

     Jensen slammed his coffee cup down on the table, dark liquid sloshing over the side. "You mean can you make up more bullshit excuses while I sit here and buy it? No, Jared. No we can't. Until you're ready to fill me in? Tell me _exactly_ what is going on in that closed off mind of yours? Unless you are 'on duty' – which I _DAMN_ well expect you to be in attendance at ALL scheduled events, at my side, schmoozing your ass off – don't even bother speaking to me." Pushing away from the table, chair flying back and crashing over, Jensen stormed from the room to finish getting ready for work.

**~ ~ ~**

     Over two weeks passed, Jared doing exactly as Jensen had instructed – putting on his game face when they went out, and avoiding the angry man the rest of the time. It wasn't too hard to do, Jensen was almost never home.  
     Countless times Jared found himself going to Jensen's door after he heard him come in, wanting to confess everything…finally make the reason behind all his erratic behavior clear. Yet, he could never quite bring himself to do it.  
     It was impossible for things to continue on as they were though. Something – or someone – had to give.

**~ J & J ~**

     Coming home from his evening out with Jensen's mother, Jared was greeted by an empty living room with a coffee table covered in equally empty beer bottles.  
     He hadn't let Darla in on the problems he and her son were having, and if the woman's joyful and engaging mood was any indication, Jensen hadn't filled her in either.  
     Staring at the mess in front of him, Jared debated cleaning it up. With a heavy sigh he headed for his room instead. The two men were free of engagements for the weekend, and Jared figured Jensen could clean up his own mess for a change. For the past week, Jared had been seeing to the remains of Jensen's drinking binges on an almost nightly basis.  
     Changing from his suit into sleep pants and a t-shirt, Jared was just pulling the worn cotton over his head when he startled at the pounding on his door. About to call out, he didn't need to.

     "Bedroom! Now!"

     Jared flinched at Jensen's booming and slurred command before standing frozen. He didn't have to go. He could end this all now. Deny Jensen and thereby set into motion the dissolution of their contract. Enough time had passed, nearly four months, the courts likely wouldn't double his time. Of course, his odds of being turned into a prison bitch…those were less favorable.  
     Composing himself the best he was able, Jared took a deep breath and went to his door.  
     Jensen was no longer in the hall, but Jared saw the dim light coming from his open bedroom door. Slowly, he approached the room and entered.

     Naked, Jensen perched on the end of the bed – a tumbler of amber booze in one hand, his other methodically stroking his hard cock. "Tell me no now, and we end this. Otherwise I believe you have some contractual obligations to fulfill."

     Meeting Jensen's cold and calculating glare, Jared kept his lips in a tight pressed line as he pulled off his t-shirt and let it drop to the floor.

     Jensen snorted, drained his glass, and stood. "Finish stripping and get on the damn bed. And so help me, Jared, if I see your ass anywhere but flat on the bed, I will jam my fist straight up it."

     Although he dropped his sleep pants, Jared did hesitate. "Jens–"

     "Are you saying no?" Jensen snapped loudly.

     Jared shook his head.

     "Finally offering me a motherfucking explanation?"

     Ducking his eyes away, Jared's resolve to go through with things waned.

     "Didn't think so. Just keep your mouth shut then."

     Swallowing against the tight lump growing in his throat, Jared moved to the bed. Before he could even get on the mattress Jensen was grabbing him and shoving him down – forcing his way between Jared's thighs.

     "Suck 'em," with the grunted command, Jensen shoved two fingers into Jared's mouth. "They're all the prep you're getting, so get 'em good and wet."

     Sucking obediently, Jared's stomach rolled.

     Jerking his fingers from Jared's mouth as hastily as he'd crammed them in, Jensen mumbled as he lowered them to Jared's ass, " 's good enough."  
With barely a warning touch or prod against his hole, Jared cried out as Jensen's digits penetrated him forcefully and fully. It was too much. "I…I ca…can't."

     Eyes dark and turbulent with emotions, Jensen peered down at Jared, fingers twisting to find that sensitive spot deep inside the trembling body beneath him. "Didn't have to be this way, Jared. Want you more than I've ever wanted anyone, and not…not just in my bed. Fucking tie me up in– No one, Jared! No one's ever had me in knots like this. Good ways and bad. Keep thinking I wish I'd never met you, then my heart starts pounding at the thought of ever letting you go."

     Jared's chest felt too tight. Tears steadily slipped from the corners of his eyes and down into his hair, Jensen's words making him feel all the more like he was about to shatter apart. He had to stop this. The memory of that horrible night all those years ago was rushing in and threatening to pull him under. His ragged breath hitched as Jensen withdrew the two fingers, and before he could manage another word of protest, Jensen was claiming his mouth in a forceful kiss.

     "Damn you, Jared. Damn you for makin' me crazy. Turnin' me into that fucking monster," Jensen mumbled the pitiful words against Jared's lips, then forced his tongue between them as he took aim and pushed into Jared with one hard thrust.

     The pain. The smell of booze rolling off Jensen, and suffocating in the taste of his kiss. The weight of Jensen's body pinning him to the bed. Jared broke.  
     Unintentionally biting into Jensen's lip, Jared let out a wounded wail as the man pulled back with a hiss. Sobbing openly, Jared barely registered his arms reaching out to strike against Jensen. "Stop it-stop it! You're hurting me! Please, I don't want to do this! I…I…I want to go home!"

**~ ~ ~**

     Jensen froze, his blood turning to ice though his heart rate seemed to speed up painfully. Immediately after Jared turned loose a cry like a wounded animal, Jensen quickly eased out of him – barely in time to face the onslaught of flailing limbs that he struggled to subdue. But it was with the rush of verbal protests, the final words screamed, something in Jensen's mind shook free.  
     He peered down at the thrashing body beneath him and no longer saw a tall and powerful young man, memory tricking his eyes to perceive Jared as the scrawny and terrified boy he'd been. Jensen slammed his eyes shut, trying to escape it… Instead it all flooded back.  
     The long sought-after memory hit him like a tidal wave, Jensen's own guttural sob breaking free as he pushed himself away from Jared. Frantically moving further away, completely terrified of the near child he still saw, he fell off the bed – bare ass painfully slamming against the floor. Jensen lacked the presence of mind to care, his sole focus on putting more distance between him and Jared as he scrambled backwards along the carpet until his spine hit the wall. Running his fingers frantically through his hair, digging and pulling at the roots, Jensen stared at Jared in horror.  
     "No. This can't… Please no, you ww…were a…a kid. Hhh…how could I… Oh fuck, oh fuck." On the edge of hyperventilating, Jensen fought for breath – a torrent of tears leaking from his eyes and snot clogging his nose. "Wha…what the hell di…did I do to yy…you? Jus…just a bbb…boy and I…oh god… I rrra…raped you!" Rushing to his feet, legs wobbly and awkwardly holding his weight, Jensen fled into the bathroom – not even making it to the toilet before he was heaving at the ghastly recollection of repressed truth.  
     Retching over the porcelain bowl until nothing more would come up, Jensen blew his nose and then dragged himself to the sink. Eyes catching his own reflection in the mirror, face cast in shadows from the dim light coming from a single low-lit lamp in the bedroom, he turned from the detestable sight of himself with a roll of his stomach. He turned on the faucet, ducking down to wash away the lingering traces of bitter vomit and salty tears, all the while his mind doing the math. Jensen choked back another anguished sob, realizing Jared couldn't have even been sixteen.  
     Gingerly turning towards the bedroom, Jensen grabbed his robe from the back of the bathroom door. Pulling the terry cloth tight around him, he took one shaky, hesitant step after another until he found himself standing next to the bed. An invisible shroud of guilt and shame and sorrow cloaking him, Jensen gazed down at Jared – the man curled into a trembling, naked ball in the center of the mattress. He looked impossibly small, and Jensen fought the urge to crawl in next to Jared and wrap his own body around him. How could he protect him and comfort him when Jensen was the monster Jared needed to escape from? Still, he couldn't leave him like that, not without trying to offer…something.  
     "Jare…Jared?"

     Jared merely whimpered in response.

     "Please, Jared," Jensen reached out his hand, ever so gently brushing through sweat tangled hair, "what can I–"

     Flinching away sharply, Jared pleaded, his voice broken and weak, "D…don't touch me. Oh god…" Jared's words turned to a mournful keening sound. "Pleee…ase don…don't."

     Jerking his hand back as if he'd been physically pained, Jensen choked back a sob – though he could do nothing to staunch the new round of tears. "Alight. It…'s alright. Not gonna…won't touch you, Jared. Promise I won't… Fuck. I'm sss…sorry. Plea…please believe me, so da…damn sorry."  
     Jensen stepped back slowly, his eyes still fixed on Jared's nude body. He wouldn't – couldn't – touch the man, but… Jensen grabbed a throw blanket off the overstuffed chair across the room. Returning to the bed he paused, offering a gentle, whispered warning, "Not gonna touch you, Jared, I swear. Just covering you up."  
     Jared giving no visible or audible protest, Jensen carefully draped the soft blanket over him. Watching him for another minute more, then snatching his phone off the nightstand, Jensen left the room.

**~ ~ ~**

     Stopping to gather up spare pillows and a blanket from the linen closet, Jensen made his way to the sectional in the entertainment area. Dropping the bedding, he staggered to the kitchen where he promptly fished a bottle of vodka from the freezer and grabbed a tumbler from the cupboard. Jensen's hands shook when he finally sat down and poured himself a drink, more than a few drops landing on the coffee table. Slamming down a first, then a second, he looked back towards the bedroom. He couldn't let go of the feeling that he should do something. If Jared remained in the broken state too long, Jensen would…even though he wasn't sure what. Jensen's own condition was fragile as well. He felt beaten, broken and flayed open. His mind a massive gaping wound, and his own finally freed memory the salt leaking into it.  
     He'd raped Jared.  
     Pulling his legs up against his chest, Jensen huddled in the corner of the sectional and cried, pleading echos of young Jared's tearful protests filling his head.  
     He remembered it all. Finding a fifteen-year-old Jared in his bathroom, helping him clean up before undressing him and falling into bed with him. Waking up not long after, the music from the party still vibrating through the house, and his throbbing hard-on pressed up against something soft and warm. Jensen recalled his sense of confusion drowned out by the demanding urgency of his dick to get into the pliant body next to him – who it was not nearly as important as sinking inside them. In his distorted thinking – alcohol and the drug he'd been slipped muzzying all logic – if they were in his bed that's all that mattered. Even when the kid fought back, striking out and screaming in protest, Jensen was too blinded by his desire – inhibitions too compromised to register it as more than a mild annoyance. Jensen's stomach lurched, his throat working to swallow against the burn of vodka threatening to come back up.  
     Back then, that next day, despite drawing a blank on the previous night's events he'd known it couldn't have been fully consensual. While he didn't have the memory, he did have the bruises, scratches…and blood. Still, all out rape? He'd be lying if he denied the thought had ever crossed his mind. Over the years of trying to access that lost fragment of time, the vague possibility of it would flash through his head. Something traumatic enough for him to barricade it away… He was simply never able to grasp the thought he'd be capable of something so heinous. No matter how fucked up he'd been. But Jensen knew the truth of it at last. That he'd forced himself on a terrified and crying child. How could he face himself, let alone Jared?  
     And Jared…fuck! It suddenly all made so much sense! Jared's initial reaction to Jensen, the comments, the attitude, how Jensen had felt the younger man was expecting him to be a monster… Because Jared knew that he was.  
     A sudden rush of anger ripped through Jensen. Why hadn't Jared said something! Told Brett that first day, or confronted Jensen on his own? Jensen had suffered for _months_ , trying to figure out just what the fuck he'd done or was doing to make Jared dislike him. And all the while Jared had been keeping this– Sex. Jared had given in to sex with his rapist and…why? Fucking why! Fingers digging and ripping into a throw pillow, Jensen threw it across the room. It wasn't enough. He wanted to do real damage! Break something, tear the room apart with his bare hands. Maybe march into the bedroom, grab Jared and shake him and demand answers. Make Jared expla–  
     Jared. Jared who was a shattered mess in on Jensen's bed. Jared, a young teenager who'd obviously crashed a college party – and ended up paying a hefty price for it. A boy who obviously hadn't reported his assault, was probably too frightened and ashamed. The young man who'd taken the burden of his younger brother's crime upon himself, faced five years of condemnation and suffering to spare his loved one, and had ended up in a nightmare of an impossible situation the man could surely have never imagined possible.  
     Jensen poured himself another drink and rested back, anger ebbing away for somber understanding. While he could only assume what Jared's full reasoning was, of course the young man would be scared and reluctant to voice the truth of their shared past. Jensen hoped he would learn exactly what was behind Jared's thinking… He hoped more they'd be able to talk at all.  
     Tugging a blanket over himself, Jensen sunk into the cushions. On top of being emotionally wrung out, the last couple of drinks were weighting his eyelids. The blessed oblivion the alcohol offered calling to him, Jensen surrendered.

**~ J & J ~**


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

     Jared woke with the sun, the light streaming through the windows warming his flesh. He'd surprisingly slept hard after Jensen had covered him with the blanket and left the room, Jared literally crying himself to sleep.  
     Sitting up, he draped his legs off the edge of the bed as thoughts of the previous night warred in his mind. Though he'd been horrifically caught up in the flashback – the rape so vivid it was as if he were fifteen again and forced to relive it – Jensen's own severe reaction hadn't gone unnoticed.   
     Jensen truly hadn't remembered. Not that Jared ever thought the man was faking otherwise, just…the way he reacted… Jared had never considered Jensen not at least knowing he'd raped someone, but it seemed… Shaking his head, Jared swiped at the fat tears rolling down his face and headed for the bathroom. After relieving himself he stepped into the shower, not even caring that it was Jensen's and not his. When he was washed and dried, he quickly put on the sleep clothes he'd stripped out of the previous night, then quietly opened the bedroom door and slipped down the hall to his own room. Locking the door behind him, he looked around assessingly and with no lingering hesitation began to pack.  
     Nearly half of his belongings repacked in boxes he'd stuck away in the back of his closet, Jared caught the scent of coffee and bacon. Despite the fact he had no desire to eat, his stomach growled loudly. Combing his fingers through his drying hair, Jared sighed heavily as he decided to head for the kitchen. He was going to have to talk to Jensen at some point anyway – see when Brett could start the dissolution of the contract. Surely Jensen had already called him. But then again, for all he knew, Jensen might be thinking Jared would want to press charges now that the truth was out. It wasn't what he wanted. All he really wanted was to not have to face any of it, or Jensen, but there was too much unsettled between them. And it wasn't like Jared could simply pick-up and leave of his own accord.

**~ ~ ~**

     Jared stood silently in the living room, looking through into the kitchen and watching Jensen at the stove.

     "There's coffee," Jensen offered, breaking the silence and making his awareness of Jared's presence known.

     Slowly walking into the kitchen, Jared got his mug and filled it.

     "Fried or scrambled?"

     "I'm not really–"

     "You should eat."

     "Fine. Scrambled," Jared huffed. Taking a sip of the morning brew, and a moment to breathe in the rich aroma, Jared forced himself to go on, "Did you call Brett yet? I've already started packing and woul–"

     "What? No!" Jensen turned, eyes wide and spatula waving. "Just, no, Jared. And I'm not going to."

     "Damn it, Jensen! I can't do this! Please, don't make–"

     "Stop. It's alright. No one's making you do anything. Especially not me." Jensen sighed, shoulders hunching inward as he turned back to the eggs. "I…I need you to let me explain, please, Jared. But first you need to know that I am not breaking the contract. Not legally anyway. Between you and me? You don't have to do anything you don't want to…none of it. Unless…well, unless you want to. No fucking way I'm going to punish you when I'm the one…"

     Jared saw the way Jensen's head hung lower, hands trembling as he tried to transfer the eggs from the skillet to the plates. Jared moved in and took over plating the bacon, leaving Jensen to shakily retrieve the toast. "I, um, heard you last night. What you said. You…really didn't–"

     "No. I knew something happened that night, but…" Jensen trailed off, walking to the table with the toast and juice, leaving Jared to follow with the plates of food. Once they both sat he continued, "Look, I don't want you to think I'm trying to make excuses, but you deserve to know… I… Fuck! I raped you, Jared. A damn kid, and I… But I didn't know. Tried to remember that night, but never could."

     Swiftly turning his eyes away, Jared felt the bitter accusation rolling over his tongue, "I knew you were fucking wasted, but I wouldn't have thought–"

     "Not just drunk. Drugged. Asshole buddy of one of my roommates slipped me something. Didn't know until the next day. I…"

     "What?" Jared was looking at Jensen again, grudgingly curious about the new insight.

     "I wasn't into the scene. Party 'til you puke, sure, but not drugs. I was so damn angry. Laid that motherfucker out when he had the nerve to joke about dosing me. Knowing now… Wish I could…" Jensen stopped, fist clenched white around his fork before he let it drop with a clatter on his plate. Jensen's eyes glazed over, fixed on his untouched breakfast. "I barely remembered anything the next morning. Flashes from the party, the vaguest sense of a warm body in my bed. But then I saw the scratches and bruises. The…dried cum and blood on my… Your blood."

     Jared felt his stomach roll and he pushed back his plate. He peered at Jensen, the man gone silent again, and caught the glimmer of tears as they rolled down his cheeks and landed on his plate.

     "Knew it was bad, whatever went down. And rape…it crossed my mind, you know? Couldn't not. But I didn't see any reports – watched for 'em. Kept my ears open. And when I thought about… It was so damn impossible for me to imagine… Told myself things had probably just gotten out of hand, some rough sex but not–"

     "I didn't report it. Didn't tell anyone. Everything was all screwy in my head. Was stupidly thinking how I'd get busted for lying to my mama and sister – crashin' a college party and getting drunk. More than that I just… I'd never even dated before, Jensen! And for that to be… Shit! I just wanted to forget about it. Not that I could."

     "Wish I could take it back," Jensen offered solemnly, voice barely above a choked whisper. "And not that it means much now, but I would have come forward. Had you reported it."

     Jared snapped his head up, incredulous stare boring into Jensen. "Would you have? Really?"

     Jensen stared back, his response firm and precise, "Yes. Absolutely. Not saying it would have been easy, but… Hell, Jared, I _wanted_ to know the truth! Losing what happened didn't leave me with a clean slate. There was this sickening ball of fear and guilt and agony in my gut, and I had no idea why! As horrific as the truth was, knowing and being able to own up to it would have been better." Jensen pushed back from the table, scrubbing his face with both of his palms before he looked back at Jared. "A few days after, I went to talk to my uncle. Not really my uncle, a family friend and my folk's attorney. He told me without a victim there was no crime. And since I couldn't even remember if I'd done something wrong, he suggested I let it go. So I did. Or tried. Don't think it ever really stopped haunting me. I'd manage to let it go for awhile, then I'd be making that next appointment. Shrinks, couple of hypnotists…a fuckin' psychic." Jensen laughed, broken and bitter. "Damn hypnotists could pull every other forgotten memory out of my ass, and the psychic knew plenty of shit I'd hoped _no one_ would ever know. But that night? No one could touch it."

     Jared found himself snorting, asking a question with a bite of snark before he could stop himself, "What about the therapists?"

     Jensen gave Jared a shy hint of a smirk. "One just wanted to medicated me, another suggested I leave it buried. The last guy was a dick. Had a hard on for my nonexistent 'mommy issues'. I could tell him I liked lime jell-o, and he'd _still_ work it back around to being because of some childhood trauma my mother inflicted upon me."

     Almost laughing, Jared stopped himself. Startling Jensen he jumped up from the table and brusquely grabbed up his dishes. He silently cursed himself, pissed off at the fact that a part of him genuinely liked Jensen. More than he cared to admit – especially to himself. Stalking to the kitchen he came to a halt, whirling back around on Jensen who was still at the table watching him. "So, what? I'm just supposed to forgive you? You tell me all about how you were haunted by the non-memory of something you never-ever would have done if you hadn't been a victim yourself, and I'm just supposed to pat your hand? Tell you that makes it okay that you forced yourself on my virgin ass?"

     "Jared, no. I don't expect–"

     "And what about last night, huh?"

     "What?" Jensen's entire face scrunched up as he shook his head.

     "You were willing to force me then."

     Jensen shot up from his seat at the table. "I told you to tell me no! I gave you a fucking out! Last night was… Damn it, Jared!" Shaking visibly where he stood, Jensen placed his palms flat on the table as he hunched over and forced a deep, stuttering breath. "Last night I decided to hold the man I had a contract with to fulfilling his duties. It wasn't pretty, and I admit I was being a drunken bastard, but I was well within my rights. If you had refused to come to my room, or hell, fucking said no when I put it right out there for you to, I wouldn't have forced you. Probably would have thought hard about ending the contract, but… Look, you came to my room, didn't tell me no, and even though we both knew you weren't really into it I counted on you saying no if you well and truly meant it. That being said…please, Jared, tell me you can see the difference?"

     He knew Jensen was right. Jared easily recalled Jensen not only giving him the clear option to say no once, but twice. He also recalled how later, after Jensen had penetrated him and he realized the horrible keening noise filling his ears was coming from himself, Jensen immediately pulled out before Jared had even begun to scream and fight. Feeling a couple of tears slip down his face, Jared nodded. "I do."

     With a single nod back, Jensen straightened and walked to the windows.

     Jared resumed his trek back to the kitchen, scrapping off his breakfast into the trash and running the water for the dishes. The dishwasher worked perfectly well, but he found doing the chore by hand soothing. Halfway through – if only for a few moments, his mind peacefully lost in the sudsy, methodical action of his hands – Jared felt Jensen's presence beside him.

     Careful not to actually touch Jared, Jensen let his own dishes sink into the water. "Do you want to press charges? We could call Brett and see–"

     "No, Jensen. Stop. I don't… That's not what I want. You going away for a crime you didn't deliberately commit? It isn't going to change things, or fix them – or make me feel any sort of vindication. But I also can't see staying here. Even if you don't hold me to the contract, things between us are going to be some word for 'extreme awkward' that we'll have to invent and, I mean, what's the damn point?"

     "The point?" Jensen shook his head. "Seriously, Jared? How about keeping you from going back to prison? That seems like a pretty fucking good one to me! We may break the limits of awkward and uncomfortable, but at least you'll be safe and cared for."

Jared pulled the stopper and watched the water drain from the sink. "I really don't have to–"

     "Nothing you don't want to do, Jared. I swear."

     Drying his hands, Jared turned to face Jensen. He didn't have it in him to argue, especially not when Jensen's point was a valid one. "Alright. I'll um, go unpack I guess."

**~ J & J ~**

     Jensen sat on the loveseat in his office at home, feet propped up on the antique trunk, laptop across his legs, and glass of wine in hand. Working hard on a new acquisition for the company meant longer hours, but luckily a good portion of those could be spent in the office or at home.  
     Scanning through the proofs the photographer had e-mailed, Jensen's mind wandered back to the day he'd spent with Jared's family. How happy Jared had been, with a bit of nudging, taking photos of his nephew with the little guy's first birthday cake.  
     Jensen sighed, and took a sip of his wine. It had been nearly a week since the "revelation", and they'd barely spoken to one another. He didn't figure he should be surprised, simply relieved that Jared had at least agreed to stay. Friendship, and some futile attempt to make up for the damage done, weren't the only reasons Jensen had a tremendous desire to protect and provide for him. Everything he'd drunkenly disclosed to Jared the other night, before…well, it had been the truth. His feelings for Jared had evolved into something deeper than he'd ever felt for anyone, and the thought of him going away made Jensen ache. Of course, now knowing what he'd done to Jared, he figured he was crazy to think the man could ever forgive him – let alone have mutual feelings for him. Still, a part of Jensen stubbornly refused to give up hope.  
     Shaken from his thoughts by a light rap on the door, Jensen called out for Jared to enter, "Hey, what's up?"

     "Got a minute?" Jared asked, hands stuffed into the front pockets of his jeans as he shuffled barefoot into the room.

     "Sure thing. I welcome the distraction."

     Jared made his way across the office and dropped down into the chair at the desk. "Still after that department store?"

     "Ah, you _do_ listen to me grumble and bitch in the mornings."

     Jared snorted, slight, but friendly. "Sometimes."

     Jensen closed his laptop and set it aside, giving his full attention to Jared. "So, what's on your mind?"

     "The Rosemont charity ball. It's this Saturday, right?"

     "It is." Jensen nodded, trying to keep a handle on the spark of hope igniting inside him.

     "Did you, um, find another date?" Jared's gaze slipped away from Jensen, drifting aimlessly over the hangings on the wall.

     Jensen swallowed against the disappointment. He knew he shouldn't have dared hope. "No. But it's fine, I can stag it. Didn't really want to take anyone else, and didn't expect you–"

     "I want to go. I mean, if that's alright?"

     Eyes blinking rapidly, Jensen leaned forward. "I…of course. But, Jared, you don't–"

     "Yeah, I know. Want to though. It's for a worthy cause, and I really like Mrs. Rosemont."

     "Which one? Marion or Lavidia?" Jensen smirked, knowing full well it was Marion, the senior patriarch of the prestigious family who'd taken a shine to Jared at several events.

     "You're kidding, right? Marion looks at me like a favorite nephew or something. Lavidia leers at me like a freakin' lamb chop."

     Jensen laughed. "You called it. Pretty sure the woman wants to bad touch you," Jensen's words hit him too late. "Shit, Jared, I'm sorry."

     Jared squirmed a little in his seat, face paling though he still forced a smile. "It's alright. 'sides, you're right. She actually cornered me in the coat closet and tried."

     "What? When?" Jensen found himself on the edge of the loveseat, voice raised. He was furious, not _at_ Jared but for him. While the woman's affairs were notorious, Jensen didn't take kindly to her setting more than her sights on a man whom everyone was led to believe was Jensen's.

     "Relax, Jensen. It wasn't a big deal. She'd had too many champagne cocktails at the Mozart festival and got a little handsy. I politely, but sternly, made clear that while I couldn't stop her from looking, I was only yours for the touching."

     Jensen scrubbed a hand along his clenched jaw. "That woman is a menace. Don't care who the fuck her family is. I won't have you treated like that, Jared."

     "Hasn't happened again, Jensen."

     Looking over at Jared squirming, Jensen forced himself to calm. "Fine, okay. Just, if it does…"

     "I will alert you immediately so you can step in and defend my honor."

     "Fair enough." Jensen chuckled, just a slight edge of strain.

     "Well, I'll let you get back to work. Just wanted to check with you on this."

     "Yeah, thanks, I…really appreciate it. Glad you're going." Jensen rose as Jared did. It was a useless motion, an aborted attempt at some sort of physical contact – a handshake, slap on the shoulder, maybe a hug – which Jensen was sorely missing yet knew he couldn't risk attempting. Things were still far too fragile between them.   
     Standing in place, Jensen watched Jared cross the room, the younger man's brow creasing when he came to a halt in front of a particular frame on the wall. Taking a few steps forward to investigate, Jensen saw which one held Jared's attention. Keeping plenty of personal space between them, Jensen spoke softly, "I had, uh, kinda wondered if you'd seen that."

     "I did. My second day here." Jared turned from the framed 'Thank You' note from the Rape Crisis Center to look at Jensen. "Was one of the things that made it easier for me to stay."

     "Jared, I–"

     "Don't, Jensen. Let's just–"

     "Please." Jensen's hand moved out towards Jared's arm, though he quickly snapped it back in to his side. "I need you to know I don't expect your forgiveness. Even this – you agreeing to go? I realize it's not…" Jensen turned, walking across the room and staring at a photo of himself with his fraternity brothers from college. "I told you I wasn't the monster you were trying to make me out to be, and I was wrong. What I did to you? There is no forgiveness for that. I wish there was. Wish I could somehow make amends and you – both of us – could heal from what happened. I know it's not the same, but it guts me, Jared. Knowing what I did. To think any part of me – under _any_ circumstance – could be capable of something so heinous? Fuck I wish I could take it back."

     "But you can't," Jared affirmed softly.

     "I know." Jensen sighed, eyes still fixed on the image of his younger self as he listened to the sounds of Jared walking towards the door. The quiet footfalls paused, Jared's barely whispered voice reaching Jensen…

     "You're not a monster."

**~ J & J ~**

     Jensen smiled and nodded, trying to pay attention to one of his co-workers going on about his son's performance at a high school basketball game. They had made it to the state championship, and Jensen didn't begrudge the man's excitement and pride. However, his focus was divided by feelings of his own pride in Jared – glimpsing the way he was easily tending to the elderly Mrs. Rosemont across the ballroom.  
     He casually sipped his champagne while Ron went on describing the winning play, Jensen's gaze sliding beyond Ron's face to watch Jared lead the smiling and laughing older woman onto the dance floor for a slow waltz.  
     As the music came to an end, Jensen glanced Jared's way once again, this time his eyes narrowing and body tensing. Lavidia Rosemont was on the move. He could tell Jared was doing his best to politely evade her, escorting Marion back to her seat before going to fetch her a drink from the nearest waiter. Despite his efforts, when he returned with the drink Lavidia grabbed hold of his arm and tugged him towards the dance floor. Jensen could actually feel his nostrils flare, his jaw clenching as tightly as his fist around the stem of the champagne flute in his hand. The woman had no decency, and influential standing or not, Jensen wouldn't have her treating Jared like her own personal plaything.   
     Abruptly excusing himself from Ron and his wife, Jensen squared his broad shoulders as he made his way across the ballroom.  
     "Excuse me, but may I cut in?" Jensen briefly caught Jared's eyes before fixing his cold gaze on Lavidia. Feigning politeness, he gave the woman a tight smile.

     "No you most certainly may not," the woman drawled, shaking her head of tightly coiled black curls and pushing her body in tighter against Jared's. "This is my ball, and I believe that entitles me to indulge in the company of whichever guests please me. And I must say, I do find Mr. Padalecki here quite pleasing."

     Jensen grabbed Lavidia by her upper arm, not too tightly but firm enough to prove he meant business. Lightly jerking her away from Jared – the woman practically trying to meld her ultra-thin frame with his – Jensen leaned down towards her ear. "I'm afraid you are both mistaken in _whose_ event this is, and as to _what_ you are entitled to. As it has been, and remains, Marion is the hostess of the Rosemont Ball. And as far as Mr. Padalecki is concerned," Jensen released Lavidia and stepped to Jared's side, possessively curling his arm around the younger man's waist, "you overstep your bounds. I know quite well you have plenty of men available for your pleasure and amusement, Lavidia. Jared, however, is not one of them."

     Fuming with an indignant rage about to boil over, Lavidia stamped her tiny, high-heeled foot. "How dare you, Jensen Ackles! I could have you stripped of all position and clout within a few phone calls, and I have half a mind to do just–"

     "Is there a problem here, darling?" Well tanned and his salt-and-pepper hair slicked back, a glass of amber liquor in hand, Lavidia's husband moved in beside her and dropped a kiss to her temple.

     Jensen stood silent, nodding in greeting to Walter Rosemont as Lavidia shot him a brief glare before turning to her husband with a forced smile. It was no secret that Walter was well aware of his wife's frequent indiscretions, though it was something the man seemed to prefer ignoring.

     "Of course not, Walter. I was simply thanking Mr. Padalecki here for being such a dear to Aunt Marion."

     "Uh-huh." Walter arched an eyebrow at his wife before turning to Jensen and Jared and clearing his throat. "Well, she does seem to be very fond of Jared, that's for certain."

     Jared smiled shyly. "I can assure you the feeling is mutual, Sir."

     "You're a fine young man, Jared, and I too appreciate the care you've shown my Aunt. I commend Jensen here on finding himself a companion of such substance and character, and I dare add you two are quite a striking couple. I'm sure Jensen realizes what a good thing he has, and I respect him wanting to keep it." Mr. Rosemont paused, giving his wife's waist a firm squeeze and turning a stern gaze upon her before he went on, "Don't you agree, Viddy?"

     "I…well I…" Lavidia blinked rapidly, her dark brown eyes shifting between the three men as she stammered, "Of…of course, Walter."

     Jensen fought to keep the gloating smirk from his face, instead tipping his head graciously to the man in front of him. "Thank you, Walter. You are correct. I'm exceedingly lucky to have Jared in my life, and I'll do whatever I can to show him how grateful I am…as well as keep him by my side." With little thought but for striking a final blow – making it perfectly clear to Lavidia that Jared was off limits – Jensen tightened his grip around the younger man's waist while splaying the opposite hand possessively across Jared's chest. To his surprise, Jared responded with a shift of his stance, just enough to allow his head to rest against Jensen's shoulder.

     "Well then, my wife and I will leave you two to your dance. Enjoy the Ball, gentlemen."

     "You too, Walter. Lavidia." Jensen gave the slightest grin to the still flustered woman as her husband began to guide her away. He relished the satisfaction of knowing her gaze lingered on them, Jensen taking Jared into his arms and moving them to the gentle music coming from the orchestra.

     "Jensen, you–"

     "Too much touching, I know, I'm sorry. Just, bear with me for show until the song ends."

     Jared captured Jensen's eyes and smiled shyly. "I, uh, not what I was going to say."

     "Oh. Then…"

     Jared rolled his eyes. "I was going to tell you that you didn't have to do that. I mean, you stood up to Lavidia Rosemont. For me. And…just, thanks."

     Jensen continued steering them on the dance floor, every part of him relishing in the excuse to have his arms around Jared's strong and warm body. He wanted to reply in lament on how Jared was worth it, that Jensen was willing to face the wrath of Lavidia – of anyone or anything – for someone he lov– "What? You think I did that for you? I just took advantage of a chance to take the woman down a peg or two." Jensen smirked, the corner of his lip coming up all the more at the bitchy look on Jared's face.

     "Uh-huh, sure you did," Jared scoffed.

     Uncertain if Jared was merely playing along, or genuinely indignant, Jensen couldn't risk it and leaned in to Jared's ear. "I will always stand up for you, Jared."

     Several minutes of silence went by, somehow the two of them dancing into the next song before Jared spoke softly, "I can't forgive you, Jensen. Maybe… But not now. It's still too…" Jared bit his lower lip and looked away before forcing himself to go on, "Look, I don't want you holding on to empty hope that I'll also come around about, well, being intimate – because I won't. I can't. But this? Not only the functions and all of that, but us…becoming friends, if you want?"

     Jensen gazed up into Jared's face, the ache in his chest welling up and turning to unshed tears in his eyes. "You're asking me if I want your friendship? Jared, that's the one thing I want more than anything. You on my arm, sex, even your forgiveness – all of that I can do without. But the friendship we've been building, to lose that?" Jensen hadn't even realized his eyes had closed until he startled at the touch of Jared's thumb wiping away a few escaped tears. "I made you a promise and I meant it. But whatever you're willing to give, I'll gladly take."

**~ J & J ~**


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter Nine

     Jensen entered the kitchen from his morning run, Jared standing at the stove and the smell of breakfast greeting him. Several weeks had passed since the Rosemont Ball, and despite their mutual desire to salvage their budding friendship, Jensen had known Jared would need time – and space. He hadn't hesitated in giving him ample amounts of both. Slowly, things between them were settling into something resembling comfortable. Jared back to waking at dawn, most days preparing breakfast for the both of them. More often than not he'd have dinner waiting as well, at least the evenings they were both at home for it.  
     They still weren't talking much beyond necessity. Casual chit-chat amidst their meals, and polite conversation with a facade of intimacy during attended events. And Jared still flinched when Jensen got too close and he wasn't anticipating it. The sudden jerks or gasps never failed to slice into Jensen like a hot blade. No matter how hard he tried to come to grips with the likelihood Jared would never forgive him, let alone want a physical relationship with him, Jensen couldn't shake both the intense yearning, and care, he felt for the younger man.  
     "I have four words for you: New York City Ballet." Jensen pulled a bottle of water from the fridge, wiping the sweat from his brow as he grinned at Jared.

     "Really? They're coming here?" Jared turned from the omelets cooking in the skillet.

     "Nope. We're going there."

     "New York?"

     "Yup. The boss is sending me to schmooze, impress, and all around coerce a new client into signing on, and I figured we would stay the weekend. NYCB is doing Romeo and Juliet."

     "When do we go?"

     "Three weeks. Phil's letting us use the jet to fly out, and Gina booked our flight back, the hotel, and worked her wondrous assistant magic to get us the best seats in the house Saturday night." Jensen frowned as the excitement on Jared's face dimmed. "What's wrong? You don't–"

     "No. It's just…" Jared looked away as his voice dropped to a low mumble, "The hotel."

     Eyes narrowing, Jensen nodded, then turned to the cupboards to pull out plates for the omelets and toast. "I've sung the praises of Gina to you, right?"

     Jared's eyes remained averted as he plated the eggs. "Smart, crafty, loyal–"

     "Trustworthy. Respectfully knows when to not ask questions. Quietly booked us a two-bedroom suite when I asked her to." Jensen's smile, and heart, warmed as Jared's head jerked up, his eyes startled and wide but quickly softening.

     "Jensen, you… She really…"

     "Come on, let's eat and we can plan our trip."

     "Now? You have to shower. Get to the office."

     Jensen smirked. "Meh. I'll be a little late."

**~ J & J ~**

     New York had been, Jared couldn't deny, a near perfect trip.  
     They'd flown in Thursday evening, grabbing a late dinner at Bemelman's Bar inside the hotel before calling it a night. Jared had taken a good five minutes wandering the – two-bedroom, as promised – suite with his mouth agape. He'd blushed deeply when he realized Jensen was simply watching him take it all in, a small smile on the man's face and a gentle fondness gleaming in his hazel-green eyes.  
     Jared had gotten up early with Jensen on Friday, the two sharing a light breakfast in the suite before Jensen went off to his day of meetings. Jared left with him, but went his own way to a day of art. The Guggenheim, the International Center of Photography, and finally The Met.  
     Jensen had called in the early afternoon, asking Jared to get suited up later to meet him and the prospective clients for dinner and drinks at seven. The exquisite eleven-course meal had been a hardship Jared would happily endure again.

     Saturday, they'd shopped. Literally until they dropped. Jensen dragging Jared from clothing stores, to antique shops, to bohemian little holes-in-the-wall with handmade jewelry and body washes and endless assortments of trinkets, until they'd finally stopped for lunch at an old style burger joint. After they were full on greasy burgers, crisp fries, and the thickest chocolate malts Jared had ever tried to suck through a straw, Jensen had insisted on visiting a few more men's clothing boutiques. Jared couldn't help but recall the first shopping trip Jensen had ever taken him on. Though he still hadn't been entirely comfortable with Jensen spending so much money on him, he knew better than to argue. Not only was it easier to let Jensen have his way on the matter, but by not fighting it the joy Jensen exuded was infectious. Jared gave himself over to it with mock protest. Releasing a put-upon sigh to accompany his grin, as Jensen had excitedly pulled him through another door. Rolling his eyes when the man piled a stack of clothes in his arms and shoved him towards the dressing rooms. And chuckling with the shake of his head the few times Jensen had nearly waxed poetic over an exceptional find.  
     With his sexual obligations completely removed – and a little time and a lot of space – even before the trip, Jared had found himself able to gradually relax and open himself to enjoying Jensen's company more than ever. Their time in New York though… Well, it only served to intensify the warming – and changing – feelings Jared had for Jensen.

     Saturday evening, up in their private box seats of the historical theater, Jared looked down upon the most enchanting display of beauty and grace he had ever seen in motion. As the death scene reached its pinnacle, Jensen's hand had suddenly shot out and landed on his thigh – and Jared hadn't hesitated to grasp it tightly in return. Though intimate, there had been no heat to the contact (a brief glance at Jensen's face confirmation), only a desperate need for connection amidst the stirring of deep emotion.  
     After the ballet, they'd shared a candlelight dinner followed by a carriage ride through Central Park. Both were unquestionably romantic, yet Jensen's demeanor remained nothing but respectful and friendly.  
     That night, Jared had fallen asleep chastising himself. A small part of him having wished Jensen had taken a thumb to the remnant of crème brûlée at the corner of his mouth, instead of directing Jared to it with his napkin. That same part of him, still hours later, missing the solid warmth Jensen would have been inside the carriage had the man shared the seat beside him rather than opposite.

     Sunday had been…unexpected. Jensen surprised Jared with horseback riding and a picnic lunch – complete with a brown woven basket and checkered blanket – in Prospect Park. After they'd showered and changed back at the hotel, Jensen had hailed them a cab to another surprise destination. By the time Jared realized where they were going, it was too late to come up with a reasonable excuse not to go. He'd known full well about the photography exhibit Jensen had gone on about, and it was the exact reason Jared had avoided the Whitney Museum of American Art on Friday… … …

**~ ~ ~**

     "I asked Gina to find some photography exhibits and, well, she said word was this one was the absolute best. Had to agree after I looked up her top picks. There was just something…gonna sound crazy, but it reminded me of you." When Jared didn't reply, the two men walking through the museum and Jared more quiet than he'd been the entire trip, Jensen pressed on, "I…I know it's a sore spot, Jared. Photography was more than just your profession, I get that. Can also tell you miss it."

     "Jensen–"

     "Just… You can't run your studio, or make a profit from your work until your sentence ends, but that doesn't mean you can't keep taking photos. I mean, did you only do it for the money?"

     "Of course not!"

     "Exactly my point. If I know you even a little, you did it because you were passionate about it. You found joy in capturing something unique to your eye. I want you to reclaim that, Jared. Don't let that be taken from you too."

     Finding the exhibit of black and white photos, 'Shadows', the two men stopped.

     "I wasn't sure if you'd heard of this man's work, but I hoped it might inspire you," Jensen offered, eyes trained on Jared rather than the art.

     Jared stepped up to one of the images, a series of shots with a kitten playing with a shadow – that in itself casting shadow in the diffuse light. "I…yeah, you could say I know his work," Jared whispered. He was only certain Jensen had heard him by the supportive squeeze on his shoulder.

     Several minutes passed before Jensen broke the reverent silence, the two of them wandering from one captivating photograph to the next, "I believe this is my favorite. So simple, yet it washes me in this enveloping sense of tranquility and peace. I'd like to see if it's available."

     Jared moved behind Jensen and took in the print. A single white calla lily in an understated crystal vase. The play of light in the photo cast shadows, as well as twinkling refractions from the vase. "It's not for sale."

     Jensen gave Jared a sideways glance, a slight frown creasing his brow. "You're sure? How do you know?"

     "I think it took me three rolls of film to get it right, to capture it perfectly." Jared's gaze shifted from the photo to Jensen – the man's head snapping around to stare at Jared with comically wide eyes, mouth doing a fine impression of an oxygen deprived carp.

     "You're…you… Jared, this is… I knew you were talented, but this…" Jensen looked back at the photos, then quickly back to Jared. "James Rodgers…why?"

     "Mr. James was my photography teacher in high school, and my mentor through my first two years of college. Rodgers is a family name. No one knows, Jensen. Well, except for you."

     "Not even your–"

     "No one. I wasn't looking for fame, or recognition, wanted something just for me. I don't know if that makes sense, but I feel more satisfied by the work I put out under this alias than I do anything I've ever been praised or paid for."

     Jensen shifted to stand toe to toe with Jared, his head cocked to the side and eyes assessingly sliding over Jared's face. "Why me? Of all people, Jared, and when you so easily could have kept it hidden?"

     Jared shrugged. "Maybe because out of all the exhibits you could have chosen, this was the one you had to bring me to. Maybe because you do know me, more than a little. And not because you have to, you–"

     "Want to." Jensen slowly licked his lips, sucking in the bottom one as he brought his hand to Jared's cheek. The touch was feather light, and oh so brief, before he pulled his arm back to his side and looked away.

     Forcing himself to inhale, his breath having hitched at the minute caress, Jared spoke softly, "I can't just start… I wasn't allowed to keep any of my photography equipment. The State seized everything of value I owned."

     Jensen nodded. "I know, and it's fine. We'll get you new stuff. Whatever you need."

     Jared swallowed hard against the growing lump in his throat, the threat of tears burning behind his eyelids. "Jensen, I–"

     "There are storage areas in the basement of our building. You'll have to check them out, but I think they might work well for a dark room with a little fixing."

     "Are you sure, this is a lot and you don't–" Jared ceased talking at the stern waggle of Jensen's index finger.

     "Kinda figure that this being _my_ idea makes me sure."

     Running a hand through his hair, gaze flitting around to all of his photos displayed before him, Jared's focus came full circle back to Jensen. With a bashful flash of dimples, he ducked his head. "Thank you."

     "You're welcome…James."

**~ J & J ~**

     Nearly three weeks back from the trip, and Jared was preparing for (at Jensen's prodding) his first dinner party for friends he hadn't seen since before his conviction. Most of his friends, colleagues, customers, and even extended family, had simply been told Jared was tending to personal matters. It sounded ominous but it was easy. His close friends, the ones coming, all knew the bare facts of his situation. That he'd been sentenced to five years for unavoidable reasons, and that Jensen was his CP. By unspoken agreement, no one asked for details and Jared didn't offer. He really hadn't talked to any of them much at all, only random e-mails and calls to avoid losing contact altogether. Needless to say, Rob and Makayla, Tony and Sheldon, and Bridgette had all been surprised to get the invite.  
     Jared was pulling the mini artichoke turnovers out of the oven when he heard the front door open and the jangle of keys.

     "Don't worry, I'm just changing and then I'll get out of here," Jensen called.

     "I thought it was going to be late nights at the office all this week?"

     Jensen shrugged. "A few things fell into place easier than expected, and…truthfully? I needed a breather. Got a call in to Brett to see if he wants a guy's night out. Otherwise there's a double-feature at the–"

     "You can stay, Jensen."

     "Jared, no. These are your friends, and we're… I don't want you to feel…uncomfortable. You should enjoy tonight."

     What Jensen was saying made sense. This was the first time he'd seen any of his friends in months, and without Jensen there he figured everyone could almost pretend that nothing had changed except for where Jared lived. The truth of it was though, Jared liked spending time with Jensen. "Maybe," Jared ducked his head, then turned to pull the marinating meat from the fridge, "I'd like you to stay."

     "Really, I've already called Brett, and–"

     "Do _you_ not want to stay?"

     "Well, no. I mean maybe the thought makes me a bit nervous, but I'm also kinda curious about your friends."

     Jared grabbed a fig stuffed with goat cheese and wrapped in prosciutto off a serving plate and walked over to Jensen, smiling as he held it up to closed, plush lips. Ignoring the quirked eyebrow he got, Jared prodded Jensen to open his mouth and popped the cold hors d'oeuvre inside. "Good?"

     Jensen rolled his eyes slowly, then closed them and moaned as he chewed.

     "Then stay."

     "What about Brett?"

     Moving back to the cabinets and pulling out a large skillet, Jared answered easily, "If he calls, have him come over too. There's plenty, and I like Brett."

     "If you're sur–"

     "Stop arguing and go change so I can put you to work. There are mushrooms to be stuffed!" Jared grinned, something fluttering gently in his belly when Jensen gave him a rarely seen toothy smile – the one that made the man look all of five-years-old.

**~ ~ ~**

     Bridgette trailed Jared into the kitchen, having stood up to eagerly help him with the cleared dinner dishes and fetching dessert. Jared knew she really just wanted to get him alone.

     "Alright, what gives, Padalecki? This," she looked around the gourmet kitchen and held up an empty bottle of expensive wine to emphasize her point, quickly adding a jerk of her head towards the direction of the dinning room, "and him? It's supposed to be _punishment_? I don't know what the hell you did, but going criminal is looking pretty damn good."

     "Bridge," Jared snapped. "I had my life stripped away. I mean… I got lucky, alright? I realize that. Doesn't mean the situation isn't–"

     "I know, I know. You don't have to say it. I was being inappropriate. But…hell, Jared. From the sidelines it looks like a sweet gig. And that man, Jensen, he is…amazing."

     "He's a nice guy." Jared pulled the pear and almond torte from the oven.

     Bridgette raised her eyebrows. "Nice?"

     "Yeah." Jared huffed a little.

     Sidling up close to Jared, Bridgette's petite stature bringing the top of her brunette head barely to Jared's chest, she fixed him with a hard stare. "Smart, witty, rich, one of the most gorgeous men I've ever-freakin'-seen, and the man not only lets his PSC throw a dinner party for said PSC's friends…he hangs out and pours the damn wine too. And he's…nice?"

     Jared sighed. "You're right. Jensen is all those things, and more, but you don't… There's more to it, and I really don't–"

     "Oh. Oh, honey, I didn't… I mean I've heard…" Bridgette's hand was suddenly clutching Jared's arm, her eyes wide with alarm and worry.

     "What?" Jared yelped, trying to keep his voice from reaching the others in the dinning room. "No. No! Bridge, it's not…no."

     Bridgette exhaled deeply, her entire body sinking into the release.

     "It's just…I'm his Personal Servitude Convict. Not his husband. Or his partner. Like I say, I got lucky in a lot of ways, but this isn't some fairytale."

     Nodding, lower lip caught between her teeth, Bridgette narrowed her eyes. "Are you sure about that?"

     "About what?" Jared loved Bridge. They'd been friends since college. And though he'd sorely missed her, and the others, he was more than ready for the current conversation to be over.

     "It's right there for anyone willing to see it, sweety. The way he gravitates towards you, all needy yet also at the ready to be helpful and…protective. How he's polite and charming to everyone, while it's you his eyes keep returning to – sparkling and full of life. It's you that brings out that smile I can already tell he holds only for you. The man is in-love with you, Jared."

     Jared didn't even realize he'd dropped the knife until it was clattering against the floor.

     "Everything alright in there, Jared?"

     "I…um…yeah." Jared stood frozen, eyes fixed on Bridgette's smug expression.

     "You sure?" Jensen was suddenly in the kitchen, closing the distance between him and Jared with a concerned look upon his face.

     Jared blinked, forced a smile as Jensen's thumb briefly brushed his cheek before quickly pulling back. "Yeah, just–"

     "I startled him," Bridgette interrupted, placing the knife Jared dropped into the sink. "Just some shocking news I'd learned about an old friend."

     "Nothing bad I hope?"

     "Verdict's still out. I think it could be wonderful, Jared's still reeling a little."

     Jensen looked between the two friends, one eyebrow slightly cocked. "Well. I'll just get another bottle of wine and, uhhh… Don't keep us waiting on that dessert too much longer. We're all out there salivating over the aroma."

     "Slicing it right now." Jared grabbed a clean knife as he watched Jensen pull a bottle from the wine cooler and go back to the dinning room.

     Bridgette casually leaned up against the island, pleased smile curling her lips and her eyes twinkling.

     Jared cut into the torte then paused, waving the knife at his friend. "Shut up. You don't know what the hell you're talking about."

     Holding up her hands, Bridgette chuckled. "I didn't–"

     "Well you did before," Jared hissed. "And you're thinking it again and you can just…stop!"

     Bridgette kept silent, watching as Jared finished slicing the dessert and pulled plates from the cupboard. When he turned to face her she finally started to speak, "Are you… Do you feel the sa–"

     "No!" Jared thrust the plates at Bridgette, barely waiting for her to take hold before he grabbed the torte and strode hastily from the kitchen.

**~ ~ ~**

     Jensen locked up, Brett – having joined them just after dessert for more drinks and a spontaneous, and surprisingly fun, game of charades – the last one to leave. Ditching into the kitchen for one last bottle of wine, he joined Jared in the entertainment area and sunk down into the sectional. "Well?"

     "What?" Jared smiled, a little drunk and holding his wine goblet up for Jensen to refill.

     "I think it went good, but what about you?"

     Jared took a sip of wine. Lowering the glass, his eyes focused on the ruby liquid as he swirled it around, his thoughts obviously elsewhere. "Yeah, I think it went good. Better than good even."

     "What about–" Jensen stopped himself. He'd been wondering all night what really went down in the kitchen with Jared and Bridgette, but thought better of bringing it up. It was really none of his business. "I mean–"

     "No, don't. What were you really going to ask?"

     Jensen snorted. Jared didn't often let on that he could, but the guy read him better than most people who'd known Jensen for years. "In the kitchen, did Bridgette say something? About us?"

     "She… Nothing bad, just she tends to lack filters between her brain and her mouth."

     "And you're totally not going to tell me what came out unfiltered, are you?"

     Jared laughed. "Nope. Just suffice it to say she thinks I've got it made, and you are, and I quote, 'amazing'. Everything's good, I promise."

     "Okay, I'll trust you on that. As long as you enjoyed the evening." Jensen knew he really shouldn't…yet he still reached over and patted Jared on the thigh, his palm lingering against denim clad muscle. It wasn't even anything sexual, he simply found himself longing to touch Jared. Craving that physical contact.

     Eyes trailing down to where Jensen's hand rested, then slowly back up to capture Jensen's gaze, Jared swallowed hard.

     "I…'m sorry." Jensen lifted his hand from Jared's leg, only to startle when Jared captured it and gripped it tight.

     "Thank you. For tonight. And for… Know it's gotta be hard, and I wish… Fuck, Jensen, you shouldn't have to…and I'm so sor–"

     "Don't you do that, don't you say that! No, Jared, don't you ever fucking apologize for that! I…I miss you, yeah…" Jensen couldn't stop himself… One hand still clutched in the other man's large fist, he quickly parted with his wine goblet to reach up and gently cup the side of Jared's face. "Miss what we never had. What I realize now I was hoping could become something real between us. But I don't _**ever**_ want you to feel guilty about what you can't give me. What you shouldn't have ever had to give me."

     Jared leaned into the touch before turning to press his lips to the inside of Jensen's warm hand. "Jensen."

     The heated vibration of Jared's voice against his palm sparked a trail of fire searing through him, setting off an explosion of longing in his heart before snaking down to settle low and blazing in his belly and groin. No matter what Jared breathily uttering his name seemed like, Jensen couldn't – would not – take that risk. Ignoring the throb of his cock and the pounding in his chest, Jensen moved up onto his knees and placed his lips to the crown of Jared's head. He waited a long minute, breathing in the scent of almond and honey shampoo – and the smell of Jared underneath – before mumbling against the soft locks of hair, "Goodnight, Jared."

**~ J & J ~**

     "No. It won't work."

     "Jensen, come on. With a little–"

     "Nope. It's too cramped, dank–"

     "Don't say dark. Supposed to be dark."

     Jensen went on, the roll of his eyes the only response to Jared's joking words, "And even if it could work as a darkroom, it was a stupid idea. Where are you supposed to set up your equipment? Store it? Take photos? You need proper studio space, Jared."

     "I love that you're trying to do this, but really, what's the point? I can't–"

     Poking a finger right in the center of Jared's chest, Jensen near growled, "Don't even start with that. You damn well know the point. So unless you've changed your mind? Suddenly photography isn't your deepest passion, and you won't still take satisfaction in reclaiming some of what the State stripped from you? Then just let me handle this. Alright?"

     "Fine."

     "Fine?"

     "Fine!" Jared knocked a shoulder into Jensen's, then grabbed his hand and tugged. "Now come on, it stinks down here."

**~ J & J ~**

     While the storage area in the basement had been a bust, two days later Jensen was pretty sure he'd found the perfect space – and only a block away from their home.  
     As soon as they'd gotten back from New York, Jensen had insisted he was serious about Jared taking up his photography again. Though he'd expected the slight protest that came, he was glad to have it brief and weak, Jared fairly easily giving in to shopping for new equipment. With Jensen's work, a few engagements for the both of them, and then the dinner party, they had gotten side-tracked from checking out the basement storage area. Jensen was actually happy it hadn't worked out, as he was fairly certain Jared would love the place they were currently walking to.

     The block was made up of early 1900 brick complexes, all built flush against the next – height and the variation of bricks distinguishing one from the other. The realtor stood outside the narrow building, third in from the corner, enticing scents from the downstairs bakery greeting both Jensen and Jared before the portly selling agent could.

     The short and balding man hurried forward, hand outstretched. "Mr. Ackles?"

     Jensen took the man's hand and gave it a firm shake. "Jensen, please, Mr. Sinclair. And this is my partner, Jared."

     "Yes, yes, good to meet you both." A pleasant smile accompanied the handshake he gave Jared. "Shall we go up?"

     "Absolutely." Jensen absently placed his palm against the small of Jared's back, encouraging him forward behind Mr. Sinclair.

     "There's no lift, but you're only on the third floor. And you gentlemen look fit enough. Unlike myself I'm afraid," Mr. Sinclair added the last quietly, pulling out a large handkerchief to mop at the sweat already gathering on his brow. They were only on the first landing.

     Jared turned a sympathetic smile on the man. "Take your time. We're in no rush."

     It took them nearly another five minutes to reach the third floor.

     "As you can see," Mr. Sinclair's breath labored and wheezed between every few words, "each floor has its own landing…and entrance."

     "So there's only one space per floor?" Jensen asked.

     "That is correct." Mr. Sinclair fumbled with the keys, stubby fingers finally unlocking the door and holding it open for Jensen and Jared.

     The unit had been advertised as an apartment – a small kitchenette, bathroom with a shower stall, and a single room sectioned off for a bedroom – but Jensen had made certain it was zoned commercial as well. It was dirty, in need of a through cleaning and some repairs, but it was perfect. And the look Jared was tossing over his shoulder towards Jensen, he knew without a word – simply a flash of dimples – that Jared agreed.

**~ J & J ~**

     Jensen wanted to hire a cleaning crew and contractors. Jared insisted it was far cheaper – and more fun – to guilt your friends into a weekend of work in exchange for pizza and beer.

     Brett, Gina (Jensen's ever glorious assistant who'd let drop her boyfriend, Tim, was a plumber, when Jensen had been grumbling about the impending weekend project.), Rob and Makayla from the dinner party, plus Jared's little brother – with two of his college buddies in tow – all turned out Saturday. By early evening the lot of them were sweaty and filthy, but the place was clean and all but some minor repairs were done.

     Sunday they lost Gina's boyfriend, and Kyle's buddies, but Bridgette showed up with her friend Monica, and before noon the rest of the repairs were finished and nearly all the walls were covered in a fresh coat of paint.

**~ ~ ~**

     Jensen watched Jared do it, mindlessly drag the 'aganthus' green on the back of his hand across his forehead. Staring at the streak of color, he tried not to laugh.

     "What?"

     "You, um…" Clenching his lips in and between his teeth, Jensen waved the paint brush in his hand towards the back of Jared's own hand.

     "Oh…what the hell!" Jared grumbled, trying to wipe away the mess and only making it worse. Pausing at the stifled snickering coming from Jensen, Jared's eyes narrowed. "Think that's funny, do you, Ackles?"

     Holding up his hands, Jensen started to back away from Jared, the younger man moving in towards him and wielding a dripping paint roller. "No. Jared. Come on, budd- _Y_!" Jensen cut off with an undignified yelp, dodging Jared and turning to run down the length of the loft, maneuvering the obstacle course of ladders and tools and friends in his way.  
     It wasn't Jared that took him down, rather a bunched up drop cloth tangling his feet. Jared simply took advantage and pounced, manhandling Jensen onto his back and pinning him to the floor.

     Straddling Jensen's hips, Jared leaned forward and ran the roller over Jensen's scrunched up face, leaving a trail down his forehead, nose, and chin. "Who's laughing now, _buddy_?"

     "Me!" Jensen took the brush he still had in hand, and quickly dragged it from the vee of Jared's t-shirt and up his neck.

     Jared yanked the paint brush away from Jensen and huffed. "Oh you are sooo…" Trading words for action, Jared began to tickle the man underneath him.

     Within moments Jensen's face was streaked with tears as he fought for breath amidst his laughter. "Jared, Jare, ple…please!"

     "Why don't you two get a room?"

     Panting, Jensen looked up at Bridgette. He was grateful that Jared was stopping to shoot the pig-tailed brunette a look over his own shoulder as well.

     "Why don't you come up with some wittier taunts?"

     "Just keeping 'em dumbed down for you, Padalecki."

     "Midget."

     "Yeti."

     "Bridgette, high bitch of the smelly footed tiny people."

     "My feet don't stink!"

     "Do so!"

     "Yeah? Well you snore!"

     "Do not!"

     "Sorry, man, you kinda do," Jensen butted in.

     Jared whipped his head around and stared down at the man he was still sitting on. "Do not. And even if I do, you got no room to talk. You drool in your sleep."

     "There is no way I… Alright. Maybe a little."

     "I could take midnight swims in the puddles of your drool."

     "Huh, seemed to like my drooling when it was around your–" Jensen slammed his mouth shut, eyes likely going as wide as Jared's were above him, while a symphony of chuckles and mortified groans filled the studio.

     Bridgette snorted and tossed her hands up. "And _that_ would fall under the category of things _none of us_ needs to know!"

     Jensen could feel the heat flooding his cheeks. He was at a loss for words, no graceful way out of what had slipped past his lips, most certainly to Jared's horror and discomfort both. Struggling to find something to say – besides, " _I'm an idiot._ " – Jensen startled at the loud bark of laughter and accompanying thump of Jared's palm on his chest.

     "Oh wow. Totally wrong, man. But absolutely worth the look on my little bro's face!"

     Arching sideways, Jensen's eyes darted behind Jared to where Kyle was up on a ladder painting window trim.

     "You missed it, but I swear it was awesome." Jared patted Jensen on the chest again.

     "So you don't hate me?" Jensen mumbled under his breath, worry immediately being replaced by a roll of heat rumbling through his body under the sudden weight of Jared's intense stare.

     Jared shook his head, lifting a hand up and uselessly trying to brush away the drying paint on the other man's face. He let his thumb gently ghost across Jensen's lower lip before he spoke, "No. Don't hate you, Jensen."

**~ ~ ~**

     Jared had gotten up, holding a hand out to tug Jensen off the floor as well. They'd gone back to work, Jensen left feeling the phantom touch of Jared's thumb on his lip and thinking how this time – this exchange – he couldn't brush off as Jared being drunk.   
     He tried not to overthink it. Wouldn't let himself get carried away with what ifs. Thrust himself into the work of hefting boxes of supplies up the steps, and lost himself in the enjoyment of hard work well done, and good company.

     By mid-evening they were finished. The worn out group of them sitting on the floor amidst pizza boxes and beer bottles, admiring the amazing transformation of the loft from a run down apartment into the perfect creative space for Jared.

     No one mentioned Jared's old photography studio, nor the fact that Jared wasn't permitted to take in an income. That didn't matter. The State couldn't keep Jared from a "hobby". Not if Jensen permitted it. Though unspoken, everyone seemed to realize that. At scattered points over the weekend all of Jared's friends, and his brother, had thanked Jensen. Some with low muttered words, others with a clasped hand to the shoulder and a wink. Bridgette had all out hugged him.  
     Not that he didn't warm at the shows of gratitude, all the thanks he needed was in the happiness dancing in Jared's hazel eyes, and the deep dimples carved into his cheeks. Jensen could bask in Jared's joy the whole night through.

**~ J & J ~**


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter Ten

     Jensen's voice was nothing but a soft rise and fall of husky inflections in Jared's ears. He'd lost comprehension of the words in exchange for his own thoughts, hands busy in soapy water.  
     With each washed dish handed to Jensen for drying, Jared let his eyes ghost over the man with a side-ways glance.  
     There was no getting around the fact that him and Jensen had well and good become…friends. When he allowed himself to examine it, of course it was strange. Maybe even a touch disconcerting if he dwelled on it. So he didn't. He liked Jensen. A lot. And that's where things were becoming more complicated for him. Friendship seemed reasonable, but the ways Jared had begun to respond to Jensen were…troubling.  
     Laughing at Jensen's jokes, even when they weren't funny, just because he wanted to see the satisfied grin it put on Jensen's face. Greeting him more eagerly for dinner when Jensen hadn't made it home 'til late a few nights in a row. Jared realizing how much he'd missed – not simply company in general – but Jensen's company. And then there was how his skin buzzed under Jensen's touch. Both with the casual and expected physical interactions when they were at various engagements, as well as the brief pats, squeezes, and timid caresses Jensen couldn't seem to resist giving into on occasion. Jared not only found himself more and more wanting it, leaning into the contact – soaking up the closeness – but overwhelmed with a desire to reciprocate.  
     The most significant change however, that came in his slumber. The rape had always haunted him in his dreams. The nightmare vivid and frequent for years, eventually tapering off to only an occasional cruel and spontaneous visit. They'd returned with regularity after becoming Jensen's PSC, and were brutal in their nightly persistence after the evening he shattered apart beneath Jensen. However, not long before the New York trip they'd begun to recede, and after, were frequently replaced.      Nightmares of Jensen had left him waking on a soundless scream, body covered in sweat and the rancid taste of bile heavy on his tongue. But with the new dreams of the man, Jared more often woke on a moan, still sweaty, yet the only thing heavy was the weight of his flushed and swollen cock straining up along his belly.

     "Jaaared."

     The sound of his name seemed far away, and it was only the startling pelt of water flicked against Jared's face that had him shaking his head and staring at Jensen.

     "Dude! Where were you?" Jensen chuckled.

     "I…nothing. 'm sorry. What were you sayi–"

     "Nothin', Jare. Not important. You sure–"

     "Yeah. Yeah. Just tired. I, uh, think I'll turn in early."

     Jensen's eyes were soft, little furrows between his brows and lips tilted down at the corners. "Alright, man. Get some sleep."

     Jared nodded, glad for Jensen not pushing even though he knew the other man was concerned. Drying his hands, he smiled and went to his bedroom.

**~ ~ ~**

     After stripping off his clothes, Jared sprawled out across the bed. Ghosting his fingers over the sculpted ridges of his chest, he closed his eyes. He envisioned not his own hands, but Jensen's, stroking and tracing patterns through the center patch of hair before he stopped to gently pinch and roll his nipples.  
     It wasn't the first time he'd done this, begun to pleasure himself while imagining it was Jensen's hands touching him. Jared had attempted it a few times. He wasn't ignorant, or oblivious. He knew full well the direction his feelings for Jensen seemed to be taking. But if he couldn't get past… And so far he couldn't.  
     Jared breathed deep. If he focused hard enough he could smell the scent of Jensen's skin. A heady natural musk, the subtle saltiness of his sweat, and lingering traces of the oatmeal and honey soap he favored. One hand slowly gliding down the flat plane of his belly, Jared's other hand came to his lips. Fingertips brushing feather light, the phantom press of Jensen's full lips was there. Jared recalled the way Jensen's tongue would map out every crevice and ridge of his mouth like he'd be tested on it, eventually sucking on his tongue while stroking his cock or fingering him open.  
     Hand on his belly working further down, Jared grazed his fingernails against the thickening trail of hair down his groin, teasing himself the way Jensen used to. There were times when the man had gotten him so worked up, made him forget everything else, and Jared would let loose and laugh at the way Jensen nuzzled his nose into Jared's pubes.  
     Jared smirked at the memory. Tried to hold onto it as he moved his hand to wrap around his filling cock. He thrust up into the grip, in his mind not his own but Jensen's. _Jensen's_ fist just the right side of too tight around him. _Jensen's_ bare skin causing the tingling jolts of friction against the heated flesh of his shaft.  
     Too long without another's touch. Too long battling the confusion over Jensen in his brain. Jared was close. So fucking close. Like always. Breath coming heavy, sheen of sweat glistening over his skin. Teeth sunk painfully into his lip, not only to hold back his moans…but the urge to scream out for Jensen to come in and take him. Fuck him hard and thorough and make him forget everything but Jensen – _this_ Jensen.  
     Like every time before, Jared sucked on one finger – just one – of the hand not stroking rapidly over his aching member. Coating it in his spit, a long string of saliva trailing out as he removed it, Jared reached down past his heavy balls and gently massaged his puckered opening. He thought of how the head of Jensen's dick had felt, teasing and prodding against the ring of furled skin. How his belly had more times than not been rolling with desire, his channel clenching in anticipation of being filled.  
     Jared shoved the finger inside. It took everything in him to not cry out. While obviously nowhere near the length or girth of Jensen's cock, Jared still imagined it was Jensen inside of him. Body pressed tight against his own, hips rocking forcefully between his spread thighs.  
     He was right on the fucking edge. So close to his release, closer still to believing that maybe, just maybe… And then Jared opened his eyes. His hot seed splashing against his belly, tears sprung forth, burning, and all Jared could see was a younger Jensen staring down at him. All he could hear, the shushing of his rapist's voice.  
     Just as he'd done the previous times, Jared curled into himself and wept.

**~ J & J ~**

     "Thanks for letting me come over, Brett."

     "Don't be an idiot. You're my best friend, Jensen. Even if I hardly see you anymore." Brett gave Jensen a pointed stare as he handed his friend a beer.

     "I'm sorry, man. Work's been more crazy than usual and, well–"

     "Hey, relax. Just givin' ya shit. You've got Jared now, I realize… Though…"

     Jensen waited as long as he could stand before pushing Brett to continue. He _was_ there for his friend's advice after all, caving to the need to confide in someone about things with Jared. And before he'd even broached the issue, it seemed Brett had something to say about it. "Though what?"

     "It's just… I don't think you've ever spent this much time with someone you were dating before."

     "He's living with me, Brett. And we're not dating."

     "Not exactly, but…semantics, buddy. And yeah, I get he's living with you. Only goes to prove my point even more. You may not notice your patterns, but in the past when the S.O.'s move in? I see even more of you."

     "That makes no fucking sense."

     "Hey, I didn't say I understood it, only that I noticed it. I mean, not that I don't have my theories, just don't think you're here for me to psychoanalyze you."

     Jensen took a long pull from his beer. Thinking, he licked the dark ale slowly from his lips as he absently played with the peeling label. Eyes focused on the beads of condensation rolling down the bottle, he spoke under his breath, "Maybe I am."

     Brett cocked his head. "Come again?"

     Though he raised his voice, Jensen still didn't look at his friend, "I know things with Jared are different. I…that's why… Just, first, maybe I should hear what you have to say."

     "Jensen, I don't–"

     "Not gonna get pissed at you, Brett. Might not understand why, not completely at least, but I get I'm a first class fuck-up when it comes to relationships. And it's not like you're randomly sticking your nose in. I'm asking."

     Brett nodded, then stood up and headed for the other room.

     "Where are you going?" Jensen asked, brow furrowed as he stared at Brett walking away.

     "Grabbing the Scotch. Got the feeling we're going to need something stronger for all of this."

     Jensen snorted, and gratefully accepted the tumbler of fortifying amber liquid over ice when Brett returned.

     Setting the bottle of Bowmore on the coffee table, Brett dropped back onto the sofa. "Honestly? I think it's fairly simple. Maybe not all the whys and hows behind it… Of course, people go their whole lives not getting why they do certain things. Anyway, it's just, well…you're a user and it's kinda shitty."

     Choking on his sip of Scotch, Jensen's eyebrows jerked upwards as he sputtered.

     "See! Knew you'd–"

     "No. No, I just…" Jensen took a deep breath. This was going to be harder than he'd thought. He hadn't even gotten to his past with Jared and already… "I need… Just go on. I'm good. Promise."

     "Uh-huh." Brett side-eyed Jensen skeptically, then sighed and took a gulp of his own drink. "You've got an M.O., Jensen. You charm them, date them, draw them in…move them in. Then?"

     "I drop the ball."

     "Right. It's…not that you don't care about 'em. Some of them at least. But it's more like you feel obligated – which in some aspects you are. You aren't looking for love though, man. You're looking for a fucking accessory. And once you've got it, when you think it's secured? It's like you decide you only have to take it out or use it when you need it. And I kinda mean that literally."

     Jensen sat there, swirling the ice in his tumbler and listening to the clink of it against the glass. He nodded solemnly, knowing Brett was right. Had even thought nearly all of it himself. Knew it was part of why he'd agreed to a PSC. He didn't want to be that asshole anymore. Didn't want to hurt anyone else… And didn't _that_ just turn out to be ironic as hell.

     With Jensen remaining silent, Brett went on, "I don't know why, but something is different with Jared. Maybe it's simply that he _is_ – for all intents and purposes – an accessory."

     "No!" Jensen's head shot up, a finger raising to point hard at Brett as he yelled, "Don't you even! Jared is not some fucking toy!"

     Brett's hands flew up in surrender. "Whoa! Whoa! Easy, man! And right the hell there… Wow. Way to prove my damn point! Shit, Jensen."

     Jensen lowered his finger, head shaking. "Sorry, sorry. Just…"

     Looking at his friend, really looking hard at his flushed cheeks, shoulders heavy and slumped, and the way his fingers were going white clenched around his glass, Brett sucked in a ragged breath. "Oh fuck. Jensen? You're in-love with him. Aren't you?"

     Eyes meeting Brett's, Jensen let them reflect all of the pain and confusion he felt.

     "Aw hell, Jensen. And he doesn't… Well shit." Brett ran a shaking hand through his hair.

     "It's…complicated." Jensen set his drink down and reached into his back jeans pocket for his wallet. Opening it, he pulled out a single dollar bill and placed it on the coffee table in front of Brett. "You're my best friend, Brett. Trust you more than anyone. But, uh, believe me…we'll both feel better if we make this confidence binding."

     Brett stared at the money, then slowly turned his gaze up to the man next to him and spoke quietly, "Jensen, I don't know if–"

     "Please, Brett." Jensen held his breath. He'd never even considered that Brett would turn him away, but now… His stomach clenched as he waited.

     Lips pursed tightly and eyes scrunched shut, Brett nodded.

     The breath Jensen had been holding came out in a hard, noisy gust.

     Brett chuckled awkwardly. "I can't say I like the feel of where this is going, but…you're like a brother to me. And if you're coming to me with this… Could never turn you away, man."

     Jensen reached out and patted Brett's knee. "Could never come to anyone else with this. Not that I want… Don't know what to do though." Jensen lifted the bottle of Scotch and filled his glass, then Brett's. "Drink up."

     "Gonna need it, aren't I?"

     Nodding, Jensen took a drink himself. Easing back into the sofa he closed his eyes and breathed in…and out. "When I was in college I… I raped Jared."

**~ ~ ~**

     Several minutes – and one tumbler of liquor and ice cleaned off the sofa – later, Jensen had Brett filled in on all the sordid details.

     The fresh glass of Scotch he'd steadily been sipping on clenched safely between both hands, Brett sat shaking his head. "I can't even… That I would set you two up? How the _fuck_ does that even happen?"

     Jensen shrugged. "Fate? Karma? I don't know, destiny maybe?"

     "Jensen! Seriously?" Brett balked. "You make it sound like…like–"

     "What?" Jensen huffed. "I don't want it to all be bad, alright? What happened, what I did… Fucking terrible enough. But now… I've got the chance to make up for it."

     "You're sure he doesn't want to press charges? Isn't trying to blackm–"

     "Stop! Don't say it. In fact, don't even fucking think it. Know you're my friend – and a lawyer – and get you're looking out for me, but no. Jared would never…no. And he doesn't want revenge. Not that it helps much, but he does understand. Realizes if it wasn't for the shit I got slipped, never would have… I still can't wrap my head around it, ya know?"

     "I do. Really do. You've got your faults, but something like…no. Listen, I've had to do the research on some of those drugs and I can tell you that's what it was. Not you. And you didn't willingly take that crap. You were a victim too, Jensen. If I would have tried this case back then? The asshole who slipped you the drug, _he's_ the one who would have done time."

     "I know. Admit it helps, a little, to hear you say it though. And Jared knows. Doesn't change… I still feel the guilt of it, and Jared…" Jensen sucked in his lower lip, worrying at the plump flesh.

     Brett cleared his throat. "I've noticed the changes in him. The way Jared reacts and responds to you. At the start… Damn, makes so much sense now. He seemed to settle into things though, acted how I expected a PSC would. Then there was a bit of a strained period, noticed it in you too. Which…"

     Jensen nodded, his expression grim. "Yeah. After the night I remembered… But things–"

     "Got better? It's obvious. I mean that day fixing up the studio? There was nothing strained, and it wasn't simply that place of him comfortably fulfilling his duty. He was so…open."

     "He is. Once he realized I meant it, when I promised I wouldn't hold him to any part of the contract I didn't have to legally, he started to let his guard down. And after the New York trip…we've gotten close. It's almost like a relationship – hell, better than any damn one _I've_ ever had – only minus the sex."

     "Which you want."

     Jensen knew Brett meant it as a statement, still he rolled his eyes.

     Brett snorted. "You been getting any elsewhere?"

     Taking a sip of his drink, Jensen shook his head. "No. I… Don't want anyone else."

     "Wow. I gotta tell ya, never thought I'd see the day. Jensen Ackles in-love. Shit." Brett ruffled a hand through his hair. "And leave it to you to do a bang-up job with who you go and fall for."

     "Way to be supportive."

     Chuckling lightly, Brett slapped his hand on Jensen's leg. "Does he feel the same at all? Have you talked about it?"

     "Haven't talked about it. That last night together, I was so fucking wasted and know I said some stuff about how I felt. But I have no idea if he was even listening. I've been trying to show him. And we've had some…exchanges. Little things, moments. I haven't come right out and said it – still trying to wrap my own head around it – but I think he knows. And sometimes, the way he responds, I wonder if maybe… I just don't believe he can get over what happened."

     "And he's never going to, Jensen. Not entirely at least. He was a fifteen-year-old kid, and even though he now knows what the circumstances were, it was a major trauma. He may finally be able to heal, but the scars will always be there."

     Jensen bolted up from the sofa. Tumbler in one hand, he tugged at the back of his neck with the other as he began to pace. "Fuck! I get that, I do, but I… I want to make this work! I want him to find a way to…"

     "Love you back."

     Stopping short, Jensen's shoulders slumped and he slowly turned with a sigh. "I am officially one of those overly sappy Harlequin dudes."

     Brett laughed. "Nah, you're just… Alright, maybe a little."

     Jensen plopped back onto the sofa with an agonized groan. "What am I gonna do, Brett?"

     "Don't know what all you _can_ do. You've given him space, and even though you haven't told him outright, he's a smart kid. He more than likely knows you're rocking some pretty serious feelings for him. Decent guy or not, even taking what happened into consideration, you're going above and beyond for him."

     "I know. Just wish…"

     "It may never happen, Jensen. You need to face that. And if it does, it could take time. Which, how long are you realistically willing to wait?"

     Jensen stared at the melting ice in his glass before looking up at his friend. " _How_ much time is left on our contract?"

**~ J & J ~**


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven

     Jensen struggled to get the key in the lock, Jared snorting at his drunken fumbling behind him. When he finally managed to unlock the door, they both practically fell inside.  
     Dropping the keys in the dish by the door, Jensen pulled off his jacket and tossed it towards the coat rack. He ignored it when he missed and turned to Jared with a smirk instead. "Bed or more booze?" Catching the sobering, startled expression he got in return, Jensen chuckled as he slapped a hand on Jared's chest. "Dude, separate beds, relax."

     Jared sighed audibly. "Oh, okay. Cool."

     Jensen rolled his eyes. "Question still stands."

     "Question? Oh! Uhhh…more booze?"

     "Good choice!" Neither of them needed it, no doubt about it. They'd both partaken quite liberally at his buddy's bachelor party. Jensen wasn't ready for the night to end however, and was glad that Jared didn't seem to be either.  
     Shuffling to the liquor cabinet, Jensen called to Jared who was wobbling next to the sofa while he kicked off his shoes. "Name your poison, Jare."

     "Ummm…Ginger Whiskey!"

     Jensen scrunched up his face. "Ginger…" he mumbled, shaking his head and looking to see if they had any ginger ale stashed. They did. Fixing the drink, Jensen figured what the hell and made himself the same before joining Jared on the sofa. "You have fun tonight?"

     "Do I look like a man who didn't have fun tonight?" Jared flashed a toothy smile, dimples cutting into his cheeks.

     "Point taken."

     "That tribute band was killer."

     "Really? Guess I'm not much for that old, hard stuff."

     "Oh, man! I love those old hair bands. Heavy metal and monster rock ballads. Think I must've been twelve? Maybe thirteen. Mama dragged me to a flea market and I found a collection of antique CD's. Dad has a convertor so I took them home, reformatted them, and I was hooked. Would listen to them for hours while I read or wandered around the farm taking photos."

     "Huh."

     "What?"

     "Just, doesn't seem like…you."

     Jared barked out a boisterous laugh, and knocked his shoulder into Jensen's. "Hate to break it to you, but you don't know a _lot_ about me."

     Jensen sulked down, lower lip protruding ever so slightly in a petulant pout. He _wanted_ to know everything about Jared. His favorite book? What foods he refused to eat as a kid? How he got into photography? If he could ever fall in-love with him? "I know. Want to though."

     Staring into his glass, Jared smiled shyly. "You will. Probably more than you ever wanted by the time…well…" Jared let the rest trail off and took a drink.

     Jensen didn't want to think about that. The contract coming to an end and Jared leaving. While he wouldn't push things, he refused to abandon hope that Jared would be able to heal enough to give them a chance.

     "So, you…uh…enjoy your lap dance?"

     Slapping a palm over his eyes, Jensen groaned. "Oh, shit, you saw that?"

     Jared sniggered. "Evvveryone saw that. She was…really hot. Think she would’ve ridden you right there if you'd let her."

     Jensen snorted. "She…asked if I wanted to go to her place."

     "Why didn't you?"

     Head shooting up, Jensen caught Jared's eyes. "I… No, Jared. No. Not…not what I want."

     Holding Jensen's intense gaze, Jared bit into his lip and gave a tiny shrug. "Know you noticed that waiter checking you out. Was looking at your ass like he wanted to drag you into the coat room and mount you. You could've–"

     "Stop! No, I couldn't've."

     "There's nothing in the contract about you not being ab–"

     "I don't want to, alright?" Jensen snapped, jumping up off of the sofa. He caught the way Jared flinched. Stomach rolling, and an aching clench in his chest, Jensen spoke quickly, "Look, I…just… And what the hell? Really? Like I'd let some strange guy ' _mount_ ' me? Pretty much not letting anyone…well…"

     Jared quirked an eyebrow, though said nothing.

     "What? I don't bottom. Thought I told you that. And know I told you I don't like casual sex."

     "You said you preferred to top, but didn't figure that meant…"

     Jensen rubbed roughly at the back of his neck. "First time I tried? My freshman year of college. Was…part of my hazing. I… Fuck, Jared, I can't tell you this. Not with knowing what… I don't want to say something that makes it seem like I'm belittling…" Sighing, Jensen shook his head. Not even asking, he leaned over and took Jared's near empty tumbler and headed for the kitchen. Mixing them another round, Jensen returned and wordlessly handed Jared the fresh drink.

     "Tell me."

     "Jared, you don't nee–"

     "Maybe. Maybe not. Want to hear it though."

     "Are you su–"

     "Jensen!" Jared smacked the sofa cushion next to him. "You were eighteen–"

     "Nineteen." Jensen plopped down next to Jared with a huff.

     "Whatever. Nineteen. Douchey, idiotic fraternity shit. Got it. What next?"

     Jensen rolled his eyes. "Seven of us pledges, all bent over this long table with our asses lubed – no other prep. And three seniors, each of 'em hard and just plowing into us with everything they had. If we cried out, it was a strike."

     "Three strikes?" Jared muttered.

     "Yeah. Two guys were cut before five minutes even passed. I got one strike. Bit my lip bloody to keep from any more."

     "Why?" Jared growled, sitting up straighter. "Why the fuck would you…" Jared trailed off, lips pursed tight and eyes lit up with anger.

     "I was a fourth generation legacy. It was expected of me to pledge Alpha Nu Psi. And, yeah, that part was messed up. Wasn't all bad though, and not all the brothers were twisted dicks. I mean look at Martinez tonight? He's a good guy, and a frat brother. Half those guys tonight were. And a few of us? Once we were juniors we worked hard to change the hazing rituals. Course, technically none of it's allowed, but everyone knows that'll never happen. Still, did what we could to eliminate some of the more severe shit."

     Jared stared at Jensen, contemplative, then nodded solemnly before easing back into the sofa. "That wasn't your only time though, right?"

     "No. Tried a couple more times in college. All a complete bust. Another when I caved to this guy I was dating, insisted I let him top me at least once. He loved it. I hated it. We broke-up a week later. And then a few years ago. When I was, uh, working on an account. They provided 'services' and insisted I try them out since I was single at the time. I went ahead and got myself a professional top. He was good. Real good. Hell, fucking great until…"

     "He fucked you."

     "Yeah. Pretty much. His tongue, couple of fingers…I could get into it. But his cock?" Jensen shrugged. "I'll say it went better than the other times. It wasn't horrible, but still nothing I wanted to do again. And I haven't."

     "I was always…curious," Jared mumbled. He didn't look up. Kept his eyes focused on the drink in his hands, face partially hidden behind his curtain of bangs as he went on, "Used to, well, surf porn at night. Don't think I ever really looked at guys the same way I did girls, but when I saw some videos of…"

     Jensen couldn't believe Jared was opening up to him about this. He wanted him to go on though, felt it was important. He spoke cautiously, trying to urge Jared on, his voice hushed, "It turned you on?"

     Jared sucked in his lower lip and nodded. Agonizing seconds of silence passed. "I started to once, with my finger, but chickened out. And then you…" Jared hitched in a breath. " 'n after… Didn't think I'd ever…was nearly a year before I even jerked-off again."

     "Oh fuck, Jared, I…" Tears pricked behind the eyelids Jensen had slammed shut. "Damn it I'm so sor–" The combination of Jared's hand – suddenly tight around his forearm resting along the back of the sofa – and spitting words cut him off.

     "No! Stop it! We’re not gonna go there. I…can't." Gripping Jensen's arm painfully, Jared sucked in a stuttered though deep breath. "Got a girl when I was seventeen. Wendy. Fuckin' sweet as hell she was. Fantastic wild side to counter it." Jared wiped his eyes as he chuckled. He seemed to realize the too tight hold he still had on Jensen, eyes shifting and focusing on where their bodies met. He released his grip, brushing over the reddened skin with his thumb. "We stayed together until our second year in college. Knew we'd be better as friends. She's married now, just had her second kid. We still keep in touch."

     Jensen waited patiently for Jared to go on, gaze shifting between the hand still lingering against his arm, and eyes that wouldn't fully meet his own.

     "Dated a couple of girls after Wendy. And a few guys. Fell into the club scene for awhile. That's where… I was so fucking wasted. This guy and I ended up in one of the back rooms. Fingered me open while he blew me until I came. Was scared, but damn I wanted it. Let him bend me over the back of this ugly, over-stuffed, green chair and… Started to freak out a little, ya know? He was drunk, gettin' off, wasn't noticing much so I managed not to let on. Physically it hurt, but was still good enough I was getting hard again. But emotionally? Stuck to women after that. Until I met Dylan. I, uh, was his TA."

     Jensen couldn't keep himself from snorting, lips contouring in an amused grin.

     "What? Shut up!" Jared finally moved his hand from Jensen's arm, using it to shove him on the shoulder instead.

     "Didn't say a word!" Jensen tried for innocent, then mumbled cheekily under his breath, "Professor Padalecki, seducin' his student. Yeah, that's hot."

     Jared glared, though his mouth curled up ever so slightly at the corner with the hint of a smirk. "Annnyway. We dated for about a year. I was honest with him from the start that I didn't want to fuck. He was fine with that and we had a good time. Eventually I knew he was wanting more though. I'd graduated, so used the traveling I planned to do as an excuse to break things off. We parted friends but lost contact before long."

     "Why didn't–" Jensen cut off the question that had begun to come out before he could stop it. Jared was offering him so much. He had no right to ask anything more.

     "What?"

     "No, it's nothing. I shouldn't… You just share. I'll listen."

     Smiling, Jared lightly squeezed Jensen's arm, his hand having made its way to resting against it once more. "Jensen, you can ask a question. If I don't wanna answer it, I won't."

     Jensen took in Jared's warm smile, considered a moment, then spoke, "I was just wondering, well, why you didn't… Couldn't you have topped?"

     Jared laughed. "You know? I thought about that later. No idea why it never occurred to me when I was with him. I…honestly I think it was just a miscommunication. When I told him I wasn't into fucking, figure he took it to mean either way. Which, I didn't clarify, so…"

     "Have you? Ever?"

     "Topped? Guys? Yeah, couple of times. It was good. Mostly was just easier drawing the line at fucking though. Part of me wanted to try again. The desire was there. Just…didn't want to flashback. Met Lisa though, and that settled it."

     "Weren't you…" Jensen stopped, looked away.

     "Go on."

     "Just, when you accepted the CP contract – before you knew it was me – weren't you afraid? That you'd flash back?"

     "Totally. But like I told you before, I was desperate, Jensen. And Brett was telling me what a great guy you were–"

     Jensen scoffed, the sound harsh and bitter. He turned his face away from Jared and took a long drink, emptying his glass. Face turned down, Jensen startled slightly at the gentle touch of fingers under his chin.

     Jared eased Jensen's face to meet his gaze. "He wasn't wrong. Fuck, anyone else, Jensen? They'd have sent me right the hell back. Even with the history between us. No one…yet you… And it's not just guilt, is it?"

     Shaking his head vehemently, Jensen quickly captured Jared's hand that fell away with the motion. He brought it to his lips and pressed a firm kiss to the back of Jared's knuckles. "Jared, I…"

     "Fuck I want to, Jensen! But I just… I think about it. You. How it was good before, when I could lose myself in your touch. The way you lit me up from the inside out. Try to imagine it again, now. Play it through, and…" Jared's voice hitched, tears welling up in his eyes.

     "Stop. 's alright. Don't, Jare. Please." Jensen reached up and swiped at the tears rolling down Jared's cheeks. "We're gonna get through this, 'k? You want counseling? I'll get you–"

     "No, Jensen. No. Don't…don't wanna. No." Jared pursed his lips, shaking his head firmly and clutching his hands with both of Jensen's.

     "Okay, okay. We'll…talk it out. You and me, when you want. No pressure. And time, Jared. All the time, and space, you need," Jensen paused, trying to swallow down the rapidly growing knot in his throat. "And we may never… That's alright. We'll just…take lots of cold showers and have really strong arm muscles."

     Jared cocked his head, eyes imploring and mouth caught in a frown around his huff of protest. "Jensen, you don't–"

     "We're in this together." Jensen couldn't stop himself, scootching towards Jared he pulled the younger man into a tight embrace.

     With a small whimper, Jared flung his long arms around Jensen's back and clung to him in return. Face buried in the crook of his neck, he dampened the warm skin with fat tears.

**~ J & J ~**

     Jensen was home a little after ten. It had been an agonizing day – and evening – at the office. Opening the door, Jensen was greeted with a startled Jared heading towards the hall, some of the liquid from the glass he was clutching splattered and dripping down Jared's chest. "Shit. 'm sorry, Jare."

     "No harm. Generally I prefer to drink my juice, but…" Jared shrugged, a hint of dimples showing and eyes twinkling. He stepped closer to Jensen, smile fading. "Long day, huh?"

     "Brutal." Jensen shed his coat, surprised when Jared was suddenly there to take it from him – along with his briefcase.

     "You get dinner?"

     "Uhhh…" He hadn't actually. No time to have even given it a passing thought. "I'll make a sandwich after I shower."

     "You shower, I'll take care of the food."

     "Jared, no. You were heading to bed." Jensen's eyes raked over Jared. He couldn't help it – no matter how damn tired he was. The man before him was gorgeous. Soft blue sleep pants slung low on his waist, reading glasses perched on the end of his nose, and – apple juice? – glistening in the dark hair on his bared chest. Jensen wanted to lick it off for him.

     "Not to sleep, to read. And no, you can't lick it off. Now go shower. Maybe make it a cold one."

     "Aw shit, did I say that out–"

     Jared chuckled. "No. Just know you."

     Jensen slapped a hand over his face and groaned, then obediently shuffled off to his bedroom, too tired to even bother lifting his feet.  
     He forewent the cold water, instead sudsing up and rinsing quickly to allow the bulk of his fifteen minutes in the shower to jacking his cock. He thought of sucking on Jared's peaked nipples, running his tongue along the cut of the man's hips and nuzzling into the neatly trimmed thatch of hair below. Fuck he missed that scent. Earthy and rich. Masculine with a pleasant hint of the green tea body wash Jared used. Jensen called up memories of the weight of Jared's length, heavy on his tongue. How it swelled and filled his mouth, the tip poking against the back of his throat until he relaxed and opened to take it all in. Somehow the thought suddenly collided with parts of their talk just over a week ago. He found himself wondering what it would be like for another part of him to relax and open to Jared's cock. Jensen shuddered, strings of cum shooting out and clinging to the stone tiled wall of the shower.  
     Legs shaking from the way his orgasm snuck up and erupted from him, Jensen leaned heavily against the wall. He'd never even considered it before. Letting Jared top. That wasn't a surprise to him. Suddenly imagining it was.  
     With a final rinse, Jensen got out. Drying and dressing he was on auto-pilot, his mind entirely elsewhere and distracted with bits of information, conversations, and self-contemplation, rearranging and fitting themselves together like pieces of a puzzle in his head.  
     He considered his own issues with bottoming. Even being well prepped he simply couldn't relax enough. The act was…too intimate. Allowing someone deep inside his body like that. Of course the real issue was control. And trust. The willingness to give up the reins and the comfort to open up (figuratively, and literally)…neither of those things had ever been there. But with Jared… With that realization slipping into place, Jensen could hear the echo of Brett's voice. His friend offering advice and suggestions on how to give Jared back some of the control Jensen had stripped from him. Not only all those years ago, but in being his CP. Though there was no malicious intent in it, Jensen was still in control of much of Jared's life. They'd discussed that one at length. Jensen's limitations in giving Jared certain freedoms, and the ways he was already trying.  
     While the puzzle in his mind's eye wasn't complete, it was suddenly much clearer. There was possibility there.  
     Hair wet and dressed for bed, Jensen went out to the kitchen. Jared wasn't there but a huge sandwich, chips, and a slice of pie sat on the island waiting for him. He smiled, grabbing a water from the fridge and sitting at the breakfast bar to eat.  
     Practically ravenous, Jensen still methodically chewed and swallowed his meal slowly, his mind going over everything he'd just been thinking. Analyzing the possible implications – along with the risks – of what he was considering doing.  
     Finished, he set his dishes in the sink. He recalled all the times he and Jared had stood there doing the dishes. Had any of his previous partners insisted on doing them by hand, Jensen would have scoffed at them. And never, ever, would he have taken up a dish towel and helped. He thought of standing up to Lavidia Rosemont, heedless of the repercussions, his only care for Jared's defense. How in contrast, several years back, a client had hit on his girlfriend and Jensen avoided making waves by merely joking and laughing it off. He wasn't enough of a dick to let it slide entirely and leave her at the schmuck's mercy, but his main concern had been to keep the client happy. As he pondered the differences, a myriad of other comparisons buoyed to the surface of his memory.  
     While he'd only set out examining his relationship with Jared in order to compare all the ways it differed to those in the past, he was quickly recognizing something just as important… Jared made him a better man. Jared made him _want_ to be a more caring and considerate person. To work on the flaws he could now see with painful clarity.  
     He needed Jared.  
     Jensen moved through the loft, stalking down the hall to Jared's bedroom before he could change his mind. Seeing the light still creeping out beneath the door, he knocked.

     "Yeah?"

     Jensen slowly opened the door a crack and peeked his head inside. "Um, thanks for the sandwich."

     Jared smiled, watching Jensen open the door wide and lean against the door frame. "Not a problem. So what's up?"

     "Up? I just wanted–"

     "Nope. Try again."

     Jensen sighed. "Fine. I… I want you to fuck me. Tie me up, cuff me, gag me, do whatever you want. I don't care."

     Staring blankly at Jensen, Jared slowly closed his book and laid it on the bed. He let his eyes fall shut as he slid his tongue out to wet his lips. "Jensen," he whispered.

     "Listen. Not right now. And you don't have to do it at all. This isn't an order, alright? Nothing like that. Just…I want you to. Please, Jared, at least think about it." Jensen didn't wait for a reply.

**~ J & J ~**


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter Twelve

     Jensen didn't bring up the request. Hadn't even remotely eluded to it in the weeks that had passed, well over a month. That didn't mean it hadn't been continually on Jared's mind.  
     Considering he was entirely aware of Jensen's dislike for being on the receiving end when it came to fucking, that alone…well, the trust Jensen was placing in Jared by making the offer was enormous. It also didn't escape him that Jensen was offering up a switch in control. Yet another way the man was trying relentlessly to level the ground between them.  
     While he'd briefly considered Jensen was simply that desperate, the idea was quickly dismissed. It would be far easier, and likely more satisfying, if Jensen caved to getting sex elsewhere. Jared was actually amazed the man hadn't already. If he had the freedom to, he knew he'd at least be tempted.  
     Jensen's offer was the real temptation though. Impossible for it not to be when Jared was already well at war with his own inner-conflict. Not only did he miss the levels of pleasure Jensen could take him to sexually, he wanted to explore the tangible side of their new closeness. Give into those yearnings for sweet, lingering touches and random, tender kisses. He wanted to put his new and growing feelings into action. Not simply hand Jensen a beer after a rough day of too many stress filled hours, but rather strip the man down and work his hands over coiled muscles. Lay kisses down his spine and… Always though. Fucking always. The fear. Every damned scenario he played out, they all ended the same.  
     Although, that wasn't quite the truth. If he was honest. He'd imagined it, what Jensen said – exactly. The ropes. Or handcuffs. Jensen bound and gagged, helpless beneath the bulk of Jared's larger frame. It got him hard. His length rapidly filling at the thought of Jensen whimpering under him, squirming to get away from the intrusion of Jared's cock splitting him open. Those times, playing it out in his mind, the fear had been pushed aside by something else…anger. Blinding, white-hot rage as he would cum over his fist and belly.  
     Fear, or anger. Neither was even remotely acceptable.

     Jared was thankful for a reprieve from thinking about the troubling matter. He didn't have time. Christmas was just over a week away and their social calendar was crammed full of holiday cheer. If they weren't at a dinner party, performance, or festival, friends and family were filtering in to visit while Jared assumed wrapping duty and baked. He was a madman in the kitchen, Jensen's only "complaint" that Jared was going to make him fat!  
     Then there was the shopping. Jensen's joy was truly in the giving. As if he didn't have enough friends and co-workers – along with his mother – to buy for, he'd lit up brighter than the lights on their tree with excitement over buying gifts for all of Jared's family. Jared's mother's invite had come with the added words of Jensen NOT to buy for the entire clan – extended family always making their way to the farm for the holidays. Jensen's response was to demand a list of everyone who'd be there. Jared told his mama it was pointless to argue and to just e-mail the list.

**~ J & J ~**

     The drive out to Humboldt on Christmas Eve was, in a word, amusing.  
     Jensen was forced to borrow Brett's truck since all of the gifts wouldn't fit in his car. Not that Jensen _hadn't_ gone overboard, but to be fair some of the gifts were large. New bikes for a few of the kids, an antique hutch for Jared's mama, and a couple of mystery packages. A light snow had started while they'd loaded up the truck, Jared barely able to stop shaking his head and chuckling with each package he handed to Jensen – the man hunched over under the camper top in the truck bed, and grinning like a very large, overly joyful, elf.   
     Jensen's childlike enthusiasm was laughable…and infectious. Every fascinated smile and giddy laugh shared with Jared, it only rekindled and flamed his own holiday spirit. He'd been baffled to discover Jensen had never experienced a traditional Christmas. As a child he'd traveled with his parents during the holidays. Far off places that often didn't even celebrate, or had customs far different than those in the U.S. While it sounded exciting, Jared couldn't imagine doing it every year. Jensen told him when he'd gotten older, was on his own, he simply hadn't bothered. Sure he attended all the corporate shindigs, and the parties his friends threw, but that was the extent of it.   
     While there wasn't much Jared was able give Jensen, this he could. The simple joys found in traditions that had been passed down through his family for generations. It would have been pointless if Jensen wasn't interested, or had a general indifference to the holiday. However, that was far from the case. Jensen had been eager for it _ALL_. From cutting down their own Noble Fir, to stringing popcorn, to Jensen greedily cleaning his dessert plate of the 'Rodger's Family Spiced Apple Cake with Eggnog Sauce' Jared had made.  
     And then there was the Christmas music. Jared had been playing it randomly after Thanksgiving, and before long he started to notice Jensen humming along with the tunes. He'd caught him once, coming in the door after work, an unusual bounce in his step as he sang 'Winter Wonderland' softly under his breath. Jared had burst out laughing when, during dinner that evening, Jensen had – in all seriousness – stated they needed a fireplace. A few days later the man pouted when the owners of the building rejected his request to build one in.  
     The music though, Jensen was enthralled with it. They'd sung along to old and new carols alike on the way to the farm, Jensen even putting on 'Christmas with The Chipmunks'. Jared didn't think he'd ever laughed so hard, Jensen singing at the top of his lungs and looking like a kid at…well…Christmas! When Jared could breathe again, he'd joined right in!

**~ ~ ~**

     "Who wants more hot chocolate?" Jared's aunt Lilian called from the kitchen.

     "Me!" Jensen was up and scrambling from his spot in front of the fireplace.

     Jared had found himself chuckling, once again, after they'd unloaded the gifts and their travel bags, Jensen greeting everyone quickly before making a bee line for the roaring fire. The man's brow had furrowed, lips in a full on pout as he'd huffed sullenly at Jared, waving a hand pointedly to indicate the stockings for the younger kids hung along the massive, carved walnut hearth.  
     Leaning in the archway between the family room and the kitchen, Jared stopped Jensen and took his mug. "I got it."

     "But–"

     "You want more cookies too."

     Jensen arched an eyebrow, then slowly relaxed it as a bashful grin spread across his face. "And?"

     "Make sure to put in plenty of the little marshmallows. I know."

     Standing there, shyly smiling at one another, they were both interrupted by the sudden presence of Jared's twelve-year-old cousin Penny. Clearing her throat she stood between them, hands behind her back and rocking up on her toes.

     "What? You want a mug too?" Jared questioned.

     "Nope." The girl shook her head before displaying a smile like the Cheshire Cat, her index finger with its red and sparkly painted nail pointing above them.

     Jared groaned without even looking up, his cousin Paul slapping him on the shoulder as the man passed him on the way from the kitchen.

     "You have to. It's tradition," Paul stated with a chuckle.

     Somehow, suddenly half the family was watching him and Jensen, egging them on to kiss beneath the fresh sprig of mistletoe. Poor Jensen neared a shade of blushing to rival Penny's nail polish – but smiled warmly none the less.

     Jared rolled his eyes and shrugged, then took a step closer to Jensen and braced himself for what he expected would be a chaste kiss.

     Jensen moved forward, closing the distance between them almost completely. Reaching up, he gently cradled Jared's face in his hands and tilted the taller man down to him.

     Closing his eyes, Jared swallowed hard and waited. He startled at the moist press of Jensen's lips, not against his own – or even on his cheek – but firmly in the center of his forehead.

     Jensen held Jared there, lips pursed against skin beneath his bangs, and thumbs tenderly stroking his cheekbones. A rise of adoring exclamations from the women, and giggles from the kids, finally had Jensen pulling back only to shyly thunk his head against Jared's chest.

     Jared ducked his own head down, laying the side of his face on the top of Jensen's head. His chest tight, heart quite possibly skipping beats, Jared scrunched his eyes closed to fight back the threat of tears. This thing between him and Jensen, it should be what it seemed. What his family assumed was a budding romance rising up out of unusual circumstance, that's what it _should_ be. _All_ it should be. Not the screwed up confliction of past and present.  
     Eyes still shut, Jared listened to the sound of his family dispersing, chatting and laughing as they left Jared and Jensen to their moment. Forcing himself from lingering on ever waring thoughts, Jared opened his eyes. To his surprise, he was met with the worried gaze of his mama, the woman standing in the kitchen and wiping her hands on her snowman apron. Jared offered her a smile, which she returned weakly. He knew, without a doubt, an infamous mother-son talk was imminent.

**~ ~ ~**

     After dinner Jared's mama shooed everyone off – except Jared – under the guise of discussing Christmas secrets while he helped her with the dishes. Their chatter was light enough, Jared telling her all about the events he and Jensen attended, and how things were going with his photography. Jared's mother in return caught him up on the latest family gossip. His arms were buried deep in suds when she finally turned on him with _that_ look.

     "Baby, what is going on with you two?" Evelyn's soft blue eyes were trained on her son, but her hand lifted to point into the other room. "That boy out there looks at you like the world could fall away, and as long as he had you to hold onto he'd be happy. But you…honey. What is it, JT? One minute he's got you lit up like Fourth of July in Willow Pond Park, the next you look like a storm is pourin' down on your birthday barbeque."

     Jared hunched forward, hands out of the dishwater and clenching the edge of the sink. "I… Mama, I can't talk about…"

     Lips pursed tightly, Evelyn nodded. "He's…not hurting you is he? I can't see it in him for nothin', but if he's–"

     "No, Mama! No. He's good to me. Jensen's a good man period. There's just…" Jared grabbed his mama and pulled her tight against him. Bending over, he buried his face in the crook of her neck, wisps of auburn hair she was finally letting go gray brushing his cheek, and sunk into the loving arms that wrapped around him even tighter in return.

     "Honey, wish you'd tell me and let me try to fix thi–"

     "You can't. If I even thought you maybe…" Jared mumbled against his mama's warm skin, her familiar scent of lilac and honeysuckle an added comfort to the way her strong and sure hands stroked his back. "I have to work this out on my own, Mama. It'll…gonna be alright."

     Once they'd released one another, Evelyn brushed back Jared's bangs from his forehead. "Need a haircut."

     Jared rolled his eyes, his mama and dad both after him to cut his hair since he was old enough to choose to keep it just on the edge of what he considered too long.

     "You two going to be alright sharing your old room? Didn't think I'd have reason to ask before, but I can find a way to–"

     "Mama, stop." Jared caught her hands – still fussing with his hair and brushing non-existent lint from his shirt – in his, and kissed the backs of them. "We are fine in there. Promise."

**~ ~ ~**

     Truth of it was, come bedtime, it was a little awkward. Jared had taken his turn in one of the house's four bathrooms and changed for bed there. He returned to his old room to find Jensen already wearing pajamas and in bed. The full size bed. The one just barely large enough for Jared to sprawl out on alone – with his feet dangling off the end.

     Jensen was situated all the way on the edge and looking entirely guilt-ridden. "I could, um, sleep on the floor?"

     Jared huffed, dropping his clothes on the back of the desk chair and walking around to the other side of the bed. His own anxiety was quickly being replaced by concern for Jensen, it was obvious the man felt bad over the arrangement. "Don't be ridiculous. It's for two nights. It'll be tight, but the bed is insanely comfortable otherwise."

     "I, uh, yeah," Jensen bounced a little where he sat, a hint of a shy grin on his face, "noticed that."

     Pulling back the covers, Jared climbed into bed. "Jensen, you don't have to teeter on the edge over there. 'm fine. Really." There was no way he could miss the way Jensen was worrying at his lower lip, or the deep furrows creasing his forehead. "Just a good thing I didn't let you at any more cookies than I have. Then we totally wouldn't fit."

     "Hey!" Jensen squawked. "Did you just call me fat?"

     "What? Me? No way." Jared chuckled. "Although, you are going to have to think about working on that holiday belly after the new year."

     "I do _NOT_ have a…" Jensen gripped the edge of his t-shirt and yanked it up. "Oh. Well, it's just a little–"

     "Adorable?"

     "You _sooo_ didn't just call my stomach adorable!"

     Jared barked out a laugh as he rolled onto his side. "Get the light, would ya?"

     "I hate you," Jensen muttered.

     "Nah, you love me."

     Jensen grumbled as he turned out the lamp on the bedside table. Scootching in from the edge of the bed he turned on his side, back-to-back with Jared. "Thank you, Jared."

     The words were spoken so softly Jared almost didn't hear them. He wasn't sure what the thanks were for, and lightly joked in response, "For saying you have a cute belly?"

     Snorting, Jensen elbowed Jared in his side. "No. For giving me the best Christmas ever."

     "I…" Jared was at a loss. "You're welcome, Jensen."

**~ ~ ~**

     The moon was nothing but a barely perceivable sliver in the sky, though out in the country the stars were bright enough in the clear winter night to cast a shimmering glow through the window.

     Jensen was uncertain what had startled him awake, and he blinked groggily in the dim light to get his bearings. He momentarily relaxed when it came to him where he was – only to quickly go rigid when he realized his precarious situation. Jensen was snuggled up against Jared's side – the younger man on his back and sound asleep – with both top limbs draped over Jared's body…and the thick length of his cock pressed flush to Jared's hip. To make matters worse, Jensen could feel the dampness of his sleep pants clinging to the head of his dick. Understanding hit him with a sickening flip of his belly…he must have been humping Jared's leg in his sleep.  
     Slamming his eyes tightly shut, along with his mouth, Jensen ever so carefully began to shift himself away from Jared's body. He hadn't even noticed the arm wrapped around his shoulder until it tightened against his attempt to move away.  
     Cracking a leery eye open, Jensen watched in horror as Jared slowly blinked awake.

     Jared yawned and stretched, turning slightly into Jensen, and froze.

     Jensen had no doubt whatsoever that Jared could feel his erection. The minimal distance he'd managed to get between them, Jared had reclaimed – and then some – with his sleepy movements. No idea what he was going to say, Jensen opened his mouth to speak, only to close it without a single word uttered at the shake of Jared's head.

     Adjusting slightly, Jared placed his thumb against Jensen's lower lip and brushed over the fullness of velvety skin. Wordlessly, eyes locked with hazel-green burning with intensity, Jared took his hand from Jensen's mouth and snaked it down between them. Without the slightest hesitation, he slipped beneath the waistband of soft sleep pants and wrapped his fist around Jensen's hard shaft.

     The sensation was bordering on painful. Jensen's hips bucking forward into the strong and sure touch, body thrumming with sizzling currents of pleasure. He couldn't wrap his mind around what was happening. Vaguely wondered if he was still asleep and dreaming, except…Jared's skin beneath Jensen's fingers was all too real, sleep warm and smooth where he clenched his bicep.   
     Jensen wasn't going to last. Not only had it been far too long – his own touch the only he'd had for months – but this was Jared. Jared's fingertips brushing over his slit to collect the blurts of pre-cum, using it to ease the burning friction of flesh on flesh. Jared's perfect grip stroking him, twisting on the downward slide and pulling taut what bit of lax skin remained around his swollen cock. Jared's warm and moist exhales heavy against Jensen's temple, lips pursing into featherlight kisses at the same spot.  
     "Jaa…Jare…Jared!" Jensen strangled off his cry, burying his face tight into Jared's chest and catching the bunched-up worn cotton between his teeth.

     "I got ya, Jensen. 's alright," Jared whispered, his free hand gently cupping the back of Jensen's head.

     That was it. Jared's voice seeping into his pores, languid and sleepy but tender with comforting words, and Jensen was suddenly hitching in his breath as he pulsed out over and over in Jared's easing grip.  
     Cock still weakly twitching, nerve endings from head to toe tingling and oversensitized, and panting breaths bouncing back off of Jared's chest onto his own face, Jensen barely registered Jared resituating them. The hand coated in Jensen's release remained in the confines of his sleep pants, though moved to his hip, while the other long arm pulled him in closer. Jared's chin perching atop his head, Jensen's own body quaked with the strength of the younger man's deep, exhausted sigh.  
     "Jare–"

     "Sleep."

**~ ~ ~**

     They woke the same way they'd fallen back asleep – tangled up in one another. This time the sound of children – or possibly a herd of wild zebra – running back and forth down the halls was what roused them. The kids laughing and calling out, "Merry Christmas!" in determination to wake the household.

     Jared eased his hand out from Jensen's sleep pants, fingers crusted in cum, and caught Jensen looking up at him shyly from under thick lashes.

     "Ummm…shower?"

     "Nah. Kids'd probably drag us out naked if we tried to take the time. Just, uh, wait here." Jared swiftly got out of bed and left the room. Dodging a few hyper cousins he made his way to the bathroom, quickly relieved himself, then washed his hands. Soaping away the remains of Jensen's release, he thought about what had happened. He wasn't exactly sure how – or if – it really changed anything, but he did know for certain that it had felt…right. Not bothering to dry his hands, he pulled a washcloth and hand towel from the linen cabinet and wet the washcloth under the warm tap. The hallway was thankfully clear when he hurried back to his room.  
     Jared found Jensen still on the bed, carefully pulling back his sleep pants and cringing as he glanced down. Jared couldn't help chuckling. "Here, this should help."

     Jensen accepted the wet washcloth and crammed it down his pants. "Damn! Feel like a couple of teenagers, sneakin' around."

     "Here." Jared didn't think much about it, was just suddenly on the bed with Jensen and yanking down his cum incrusted bottoms. Grabbing the washcloth from Jensen, he began to gently clean his flaccid cock and all around. When he dared to look up, Jensen's startled hazel-green eyes were boring into him, freckles popping against the flush of his skin.

     "Jared, what is… Are we…"

     Shaking his head, Jared dried Jensen off as he answered quietly, "I don't know. It… Felt right, Jensen, I don't regret it. But I can't say… Just a Christmas reprieve? Shit, I don't…please don't be upset."

     Instantly scrambling up to kneel in front of Jared, Jensen mirroring him and sitting back on his knees, he timidly pulled the younger man into a hug. He released a shuddering sigh when Jared leaned into the embrace and placed slightly trembling hands on Jensen's bare hips. "This is all your call, Jared. Whatever you give, or don't, all in your own time and at your discretion."

     "What if can never… If it's only friendship, shadowed by this damned sexual tension of brief touches and lingering looks? A yearly handjob when I'm able to lose myself in the holiday spirit, and let's face it, am surrounded by the safety of a houseful of my family?"

     Jensen stroked a hand reassuringly up and down Jared's back. "Then we get through it for the next few years, together. And when you," Jensen paused, swallowing audibly, "leave, we both move on. Maybe, I hope, find a way to stay friends."

     Jared pulled back, eyes rapidly flashing over Jensen's face. "You'd want that? Wouldn't be glad to just finally be free of all of this…me?"

     Biting into his lip, Jensen shook his head, a hand coming up to rake through Jared's sleep mussed hair. "Can't imagine my life without you in it, Jared."

     Both men startled at the banging on the door, Penny's young voice coming in from the other side.

     "You two've got about one minute to get out of there, then decent or not Peter and Jacob are coming in after you!"

     "They're young, we can take 'em." A giddy smile spread over Jensen's face.

     Jared looked down to where Jensen's pants were wrapped around his knees – cock resting bare against his inner thigh – and snorted. "Not like that we aren't!"

     Glancing down at himself, Jensen blushed red but still burst out laughing as he climbed out of bed to find clothes. Jared joining him, they both rushed to dress and head downstairs.

     Finding Penny still outside his bedroom door, smug smile on her preteen face like she was so certain what they'd been doing inside the room, Jared grabbed her up and slung her over his shoulder. He whooped as he playfully smacked her rear end and ran downstairs, Jensen right on his heels and laughing wildly.

**~ ~ ~**

     Christmas day was one of the best Jared could ever remember. The clamoring excitement of all the kids, the loving joy of his elder relatives, an abundance of succulent and delicious food, the absurd amount of gifts being opened – largely due to Jensen's delight in giving – and Jensen himself. Jared could not get over the man's childlike wonder and glee. It made something in Jared's chest squeeze tight as lower in his belly, fuzzy feelings with wings fluttered madly.

     Later that night, after everyone else had gone to bed, Jared and Jensen stayed up. Shoulder to shoulder they sat in front of the fireplace, drinking huge mugs of hot chocolate spiked with peppermint schnapps.

     "I want this."

     Jared huffed a laugh. "The fireplace? Yeah, I know. Have to get one of those faux–"

     "No, not the fireplace. Well, I mean yeah. But all of it. A house, kids, making memories with a home full of family and friends."

     "Seriously? I mean, I never would have thought…"

     Jensen glanced at Jared from the corner of his eye, licking his lips before gazing back at the flittering orange flames. "It's something that's come to me in passing wonder now and again. And I've always just let it pass. But now that I know…"

     "It isn't always like this though. I mean family is great, and I know a big part of me has always wanted to go on and have my own kids. But there are rough times too."

     "But doesn't the good – the love and happiness – make up for that other stuff? Isn't it worth it?" Jensen turned his body into Jared's, looking at him expectantly.

     "I…yeah. I mean not everyone may feel that way, but I do. And ask Mama, she'll tell you her greatest achievement is her kids. And she's damn proud of that. And Dad might joke about it, but he loves his life." Jared watched Jensen nod, as if that settled it for him, before he turned his eyes back to the crackling fire. Jared tracked the play of light dancing across Jensen's features as he felt a strange loss. Something slipping away that he'd never known was there. "So, what? You going to settle down? Give up the corporate ladder climbing for a nice woman and a couple of kids?"

     Jensen kept his eyes focused inside the hearth as he shrugged. "Maybe. Spend another few years building a nest egg then pull back on the hours. Don't want to be that kind of dad. Miss all the important firsts and be lucky to catch an occasional game or recital. Doesn't have to be a woman though. I'd be alright with surrogacy or adoption if I," bashful eyes braved a brief flicker to Jared, "found the right guy instead."

     Jared's large, broad chest suddenly felt too small to contain his rapidly beating heart. This was… That Jensen could even remotely be considering… "I, um, think I'm gonna head to bed. You coming? Want me to put out the fire?"

     Smiling up at Jared as he watched him stand, Jensen shook his head. "Nah. Gonna stay up for a bit. I'll make sure it's out before I turn in."

     "Alright. Good night, Jensen. And Merry Christmas."

     "Merry Christmas, Jared."

**~ ~ ~**

     Jensen moved silently inside Jared's old bedroom, stripping down to his boxers and t-shirt before climbing into bed. Lifting the covers and sliding in, he was startled to realize Jared was only wearing boxer-briefs. Refusing to let himself overthink it, Jensen fluffed his pillow and settled down behind Jared.  
     He'd only been in bed a few minutes, beginning to drift off to sleep, when he felt Jared's weight shift on the bed. The mattress bounced, Jared wiggling backwards until his back was flush against Jensen's chest.

     Not uttering a word, Jared blindly reached behind himself to tug at Jensen's t-shirt until the man got the hint and pulled it off.

     Unable to keep the sound in, Jensen moaned. It was exhilarating to the point of making his head spin, the feeling of so much skin against skin – Jared pressed back tightly against him like he wouldn't be satisfied until they'd melded into one another. And the way Jared had begun to grind his ass against Jensen's crotch? Well his dick had no problem getting right on board with that, rapidly filling and finding its way between two thin layers of cotton to wedge between Jared's firm cheeks.

     "Je…Jensen."

     Though the broken whimper was barely audible, Jensen was immediately responding. Lips pressing tiny butterfly kisses all over the back of Jared's neck and shoulders, while his hand moved around and gently stroked along toned abs and down the plane of Jared's flat belly. His thumb circled Jared's bellybutton playfully, before tickling fingertips crept through the trail of hair leading downward beneath red boxer-briefs. Resisting the urge to tease – Jensen fighting his desire to drag out the brief reprieve into something _more_ – his hand slid beneath the elastic band to caress Jared's growing erection.

     Jared sucked in a breath. Releasing it with a slow and steady exhale, his hips rolled into Jensen's touch, upper leg opening and bending at the knee in invitation for more.

     Jensen smiled, hummed a reverberating sound of appreciation against the base of Jared's neck and let his fingers drift down to play over the silky skin of Jared's balls. Jensen knew how much it always seemed to drive the younger man crazy, and this time was no different. Husky, half bitten off cries coming from Jared making Jensen equally a little crazed. Hips acting of their own accord, he rode the cleft of Jared's ass with ragged, sporadic thrusts. More than seeking friction, he was consumed with the desire to feel any part of Jared surrounding him that he could. While he could. Jensen knew Jared wasn't ready for more. That this shared sexual release indeed had an expiration that would come when the elation of Christmas, and safety of family, were gone. While Jared was offering though, Jensen was going to damn well revel in every single moment between them.  
     Savoring the feel of Jared's heavy sac in his palm, the shift and slide of swelling orbs encased in oh-so-soft wrinkled skin, Jensen devoted several minutes to that especially sensitive part of Jared's body. Finally shifting the focus of his attention, he moved his hand up to laggardly wrap one single digit at a time around Jared's full length.

     Arching his head back, Jared clamped his teeth into his lower lip to effectively cut off his raspy and loudening groan. Hand flying back behind him, his palm landed with a resounding – _SMACK_! – against Jensen's ass cheek. Jared's blunt nails dug for purchase into crisp cotton and the flesh below, hips thrusting into the tightening grip around his cock as he tugged Jensen's lower body impossibly closer to his own.

     Jensen panted huffing little burst of air against the side of Jared's jaw, the younger man's head having come to rest back along Jensen's neck and on his shoulder. With the encouragement of Jared's fingertips clawing at his flank, he quickly found a rhythm for his own aching need to match that of the corkscrew-slide motion he was working over Jared. While he couldn't deny his longing to once again be buried inside Jared's body, the friction Jensen found was still good. It was them. Jared's sweat, and his own pre-cum, dampening the fabric barricade between his thrusting cock and the searing flesh of Jared's inner cheeks. He could cum like this. Was _close_ to cuming like this. Only holding back his own release until he'd brought Jared up and over the edge.

     "Pl…please."

     Trying to hold back a lustful growl – and failing, Jared's needy plea nearly sending his cock shooting off – Jensen pushed his thumb into the cleft just under the head of Jared's shaft and steadily applied an up and down pressure. With Jared's breath coming ragged as he clutched at him all the harder, Jensen let his thumb slide up the ridge and into the slit before slowly dragging it back down.

     "Oh fuck! Oh fuck!"

     Jensen rolled his eyes back, the knowledge that he could still bring Jared so much pleasure – if the man could only let him – was overwhelming. Sinking his teeth into Jared's jaw, he then laved over the spot with his tongue. "Cum for me, Jared."

     Jared's entire body trembled and jerked, his torso curling in on himself as pulse after pulse of milky-white strands shot up over Jensen's hand and against his own belly.

     Frantically rutting up against Jared's ass, Jensen was cuming before he'd even finished coaxing the last drops of semen from Jared's twitching cock. He barely had the sense of mind to release his grip from the softening length, knowing it would be oversensitized. He left his hand at Jared's groin though, mindlessly playing his fingers through the soft hair.

     They stayed that way, sweaty bodies tucked together – Jared's thumb gently stroking over the areas of Jensen's hip and buttocks he'd been clutching painfully at. Sated and exhausted, the soft in and out sounds of their breathing lulled them both to sleep.

**~ J & J ~**


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter Thirteen

     It was as Jensen had suspected, the sex between him and Jared being a limited and temporary thing. And as good as they were at reading one another, they equally excelled at avoidance and realizing when it was best to let certain issues well enough alone.  
     However, Jensen _was_ guilty of withholding fewer touches that were less than casual. Nothing overtly sexual, though arguably intimate, which kept him on high alert for any negative response to the affection. So far there had only been the once, Jensen not even realizing his hand had slipped from the comfortable rest of the sway in Jared's lower back, to the firm curve of ass below. The tense and awkward moment had passed quickly, Jared mumbling Jensen's name and he in turn hastily apologizing.

     They were both getting ready for Gilcrest and Burrows' New Year's Eve Ball. Jensen could barely wrap his mind around the fact how last year he'd attended the soirée with Vicky – and a little over a month later Jared had come into his life. Though, that wasn't quite right. Even though Jensen hadn't realized it, Jared had been a part of his life since that fateful night over a decade ago.  
     He still wished with every fiber of his being that he could take back that night. Maybe have met the kid a couple years later around campus instead. Flirted with him a little, and gotten to know him. Yet, no matter how deeply Jensen regretted the rape, he couldn't imagine Jared not in his life. He wasn't twisted or selfish enough to believe if he _could_ undo it – even if it meant never knowing Jared – he wouldn't jump at the chance. He simply suspected he'd go his whole life with a big, aching, empty spot of a wound and never know why.  
     Jensen laid out a tux before getting in the shower. He knew Jared would be getting ready as well, the limo due to pick them up in an hour. They were both looking forward to the extravaganza. G & B going all out and arranging a performance from a group that had shot off from Cirque du Soleil some forty years back. Plus, Jared was anxious to take photos of the midnight fireworks display over the city, the rooftop patio of the hotel hosting the event a prime viewing spot.  
     It was a silly thing, but Jensen found himself nervous over the arrival of midnight. Knew everyone would be expecting him and Jared to partake in the traditional New Year's kiss. While their modified kiss under the mistletoe had worked for Jared's family, Jensen knew better than to think it would fly tonight. People would notice, clamor for them to lock lips, and Jensen wasn't sure how Jared would handle it. Hell, he wasn't sure how _he_ even would.

**~ J & J ~**

     After the countdown ended with one – the crescendo of, "Happy New Year!" shouted amid whoops and laughter, and the racket of noisemakers all around them – the kiss had gone well. It was nice. Jensen brushing back Jared's wild bangs as the younger man bent down to Jensen with a warm, dimpled smile that reached and softened his hazel eyes. It was a firm press of lips, Jensen fighting bravely to resist licking out against Jared's.

     The two of them had pulled apart, grinning, and rushed out to the rooftop. Despite the cold, and the steady fall of huge, fluffy snowflakes, while everyone else was content to view the dazzling fireworks display through the walls of floor-to-ceiling windows, even Jensen knew Jared would get better shots with nothing between the camera and the explosions of brilliant colors lighting the night sky.

     When Jared had finished taking the photos, he'd stepped in closer to Jensen and taken his hand. They were both shivering, the air in front of them fogging on their every exhale, yet as Jared intertwined his fingers with Jensen's, the joy of the simple gesture had Jensen heating like the hot water tap had been turned on inside his veins.

     They didn't go back inside until the final burst of twinkling red, white, and blue dissolved into the snowy sky, their noses running and cheeks bright red from the chill winter air.

     The two of them mingled together amongst Jensen's cheerful co-workers, ate scrumptious canapés, drank far too much champagne, and took several spins together on the ballroom floor.

     Well after two o'clock in the morning, they were finally making their goodbyes when it happened. Mrs. Archer. The wife of Jensen's boss, tipsy and giddy on too many cocktails…

**~ ~ ~**

     "Phil, the company really outdid itself this year. Spectacular evening, boss." Jensen patted the large, but solid, older man on the shoulder.

     "Glad you enjoyed it, Ackles. You make sure your fella here gets us copies of the photos he took!"

     Jared glanced down at his camera, which he'd picked-up at the coat check before they'd caught Jensen's boss on their way out. "Oh, I only got shots of the fireworks. But I saw your photographers around. I'm sure they'll have some great photos for you, Sir."

     "I'm quite certain they will!" Mrs. Archer piped in, hanging on her husband – likely to help her keep upright – while her blood-shot eyes scanned all around them. She seemed to have spotted what she was looking for, excitedly motioning her white gloved hand for someone to join them. "You two, however, are terribly stunning together, so you'll have to forgive me for being brazen enough to request one last photo."

     Jensen shrugged, noticing the event photographer that had joined them. "I don't see why not. Jared?"

     Jared shrugged as well, flashing a charming smile as he stepped in next to Jensen's side.

     They'd both had plenty of occasion to assume a familiar if not intimate stance together, and easily situated into one: Jensen's arm securely around Jared's waist, and Jared's hand resting over Jensen's heart.

     "Oh, that is darling, but I think it would be far better if you two kissed." Mrs. Archer smiled expectantly.

     Jensen could feel Jared's body tense, and his own flush. He shifted on his feet, feeling more than a little uncomfortable as several moments of awkward silence drug out. Even if they were a real couple, Jensen didn't find the request appropriate. Apparently, Phil disagreed.

     "Come on now, boys. Nothing I'm sure you haven't done a million times, and it'll give the wife a thrill."

     Jensen tugged at his collar, bowtie suddenly feeling too damn tight. "Phil, I really don't think–"

     "It's fine, Jensen," Jared's voice was soft, a tone of resignation to it.

     "No, it's kind of n–" Jensen was cut off by the chaste press of Jared's lips. Exhaling a sigh through flaring nostrils, Jensen waited to pull back until he'd detected the bright flash from behind his closed eyelids. When his lashes fluttered open, Jared was still right there – little more than a breath away. There was something stormy and intense in the hazel-blue of Jared's eyes, and it made Jensen shiver. Though he could hear Mrs. Archer sullenly speaking to Phil in hushed tones, he didn't look their way. His eyes were locked with Jared's, and in that moment…he didn't figure heaven or hell could get him to tear his gaze away.  
     Jensen felt Phil's slap on his back, heard and even comprehended the man's words, yet he still refused to turn from Jared's piercing eyes.

     "You two…. I kiss my _mother_ with more passion than that!"

     Jensen didn't hesitate to move in, and more importantly he noted, neither did Jared. Big hands framed his face, tilting his head back and to the side for Jared to crash their mouths together.  
     Not thinking about the ramifications, or the audience he was vaguely aware was growing, Jensen simply acted. His own hands swiftly found their way to the back of Jared's head, silently expressing he was in this too. He scritched his neatly trimmed fingernails along the younger man's scalp, and they mutually moaned when Jared flicked his tongue along Jensen's bottom lip in response.

     The kiss only deepened from there. Phil had wanted passion and somehow, caught up in the moment, they seemed powerless but to give it to him.   
     Bodies a long line pressed flush together, tongues twining and puffy lips spit slick, it was finally the whoops and catcalls that had the two men pulling apart, dazed and eyes loathe to open and look around as their foreheads thunked together.

     "Well no wonder they don't do more than give each other a peck in front of folks," Phil chuckled. "They get started and you can't get them to quit."

     A small group of onlookers, Jensen's associates, laughed as they started to disperse.

     Before he could think twice – possibly better of it – Jensen was grabbing the camera from the photographer.

     "Hey! What are you doing!" the man squawked.

     "Ackles! What on earth?" Phil bellowed.

     Jensen thrust the camera at Jared. "Delete them."

     Jared bit his lower lip, and rapidly darted his eyes between Jensen and the camera.

     "It's alright, go ahead," Jensen pressed, then turned to his boss and the man's gasping wife.

     "Phil! Stop them!" Mrs. Archer, known for being melodramatic, clutched her hefty bosom as she futilely cried out.

     "Phil, Delores, we went along with this but… Look, we're not some act for you to command. Delores got her thrill, as did several other people, and that's enough. More than. I'll do a lot for my job, but sacrificing my partner's dignity… I should have stopped it. And I hope you can understand I won't have those photos – our intimacy – on display to ogle. Not like this. It wasn't a candid or spontaneous moment captured, and… Just no." Jensen shook his head vehemently.

     Surprising everyone, Mrs. Archer turned her eyes down. "I'm…I apologize. To you both. I…got carried away."

     Jensen stepped forward, brushing aside loose, blonde ringlets, and kissed the woman on the cheek. He smiled, watching her hand flutter to the spot as she flushed crimson.

     "You've got balls, kid. And helluva stronger moral code than most. I respect that."

     "Thank you, Sir." Jensen accepted the punch to the shoulder from his boss with a grin.

     Turning back to Jared, Jensen watched as he handed the photographer his camera and leaned in to whisper in the man's ear. He figured Jared was apologizing for the ordeal.

     Jared went to Mr. and Mrs. Archer, shaking their hands and politely thanking them for the evening and bidding them goodnight.   
     He was quiet after that. Failed to utter a single word all the way home.

     Neither did Jensen.

**~ ~ ~**

     They held their silence as they walked down the hall to their bedrooms, Jensen pausing outside his own door. He was unable to take it any longer when Jared moved past him, and reached to grab hold of his arm. Stepping in close, he searched the younger man's eyes in the dim light of the hall. "Please, Jared. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have let that–"

     "Stop." Jared eased Jensen's hand from where it loosely gripped his arm, giving it a quick squeeze before he let it drop away. "It's alright. Just, long night, okay? I'll see you in the morning."

     Jensen knew better. Was agonizingly aware nothing was alright and that something had definitely changed. He wouldn't press though. Sucking in his lower lip, eyes burning and chest heavy with discord, Jensen nodded as he stepped back. The unbearable silence between him and Jared engulfed them once more, and Jensen was left choking down the painful constriction in his throat as he watched Jared walk away. Though the click of Jared's bedroom door closing was nearly inaudible, Jensen's body jerked as if a gun shot had shattered the quiet in the hall.

**~ ~ ~**

     Jared lay in bed staring at the ceiling, his fingers absentmindedly stroking up and down the center of his stomach. He couldn't sleep. Had tossed and turned for over an hour before giving himself over to the twisting and churning thoughts in his head. It was like a bubbling brew of confusion, pain, lust, anger, yearning, frustration, and maybe…love. Since Christmas, the issue had refused to be ignored any longer, more frequent than not insinuating itself in the forefront of his mind. Now it felt as though it would all explode, forcing him to act though he remained clueless as to how.

     What had happened at the farm was…fuck it was good. Completely unplanned and unexpected, but that first night waking up to Jensen hard and needy against him… Truth of the matter was, it was the look of sheer remorse and guilt in Jensen's expression that made him want to take care of the man. Erase the hurt from his face, and give Jensen the relief and pleasure he hadn't pushed for in months.  
     The next night was an accumulation of things, and kind of a test of sorts. No other place in the world felt as safe and secure for Jared as his family's home. That went a _long_ way in Jared feeling at ease enough to seek out Jensen's affection. He understood it was the circumstances, the comfort of home and serenity of the holiday, but he hadn't thought once of the rape while he and Jensen found care and release with one another.   
     If it could always be like that. If Jared could find a way to make peace with the past and allow himself to feel safe with Jensen…

     Their evening together. Out on the roof, underneath the fall of snow and brilliant colors streaking the dark sky like a Pollock canvas, Jared had wanted nothing more than to wrap Jensen up in his arms. To nuzzle his cold nose into the warmth behind Jensen's ear, and ask him if this new year could be their new start? Put the long ago past behind them and explore this new thing – buzzing with life and promise – between them. He knew without a fraction of doubt Jensen would have said yes. A world of yes. That they'd overlook every possible aspect of the CP Contract that they could, and simply be _them_. Together. In every way. But Jensen wasn't the problem, Jared was. So he'd only taken Jensen's hand and wished the small gesture could convey everything he was feeling.  
     And then the kiss. Out of nowhere a strange and heady rush of rage crashed over him like a tidal wave. It mixed into a pulse quickening concoction with the tender feelings he'd been harboring through the evening, and erupted out of him by tugging Jensen in for the requested – no, demanded – public kiss. If he'd rationally thought for a moment he could have gotten away with it, Jared would have drug Jensen off to some opulent bathroom stall, or dark corner of a coat check, and fucked the man brutally.

     Maybe that _was_ the answer. Jensen's suggestion. Didn't people say that fear and anger were two sides of the same coin? Maybe he could release his fear through his anger, and… He was reaching. Jared realized it didn't even make any sense, but damn if he hadn't reached the point of being willing to try anything!

**~ J & J ~**


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter Fourteen

     Jensen moaned, odd sensations drifting into his consciousness through the heavy fog of sleep. The shift of the mattress made his body roll slightly towards one side, then the other, before a solid, body-warm weight settled on top of his upturned ass. Trying to roll over he mumbled, "Jared?"

     "Shh," Jared hushed, fingers firmly grasping the hand Jensen was rubbing against his face – the man struggling to force himself awake to gather his bearings.

     His arms being lifted and situated above his head, hands together, Jensen began to comprehend what was happening, though it seemed impossible to accept. Voice trembling, Jensen whispered, "What are you–"

     Jared dropped down and placed his lips to Jensen's ear, his fingers deftly moving as they worked to bind Jensen's wrists together with a paisley, silk tie. "You wanted this. Asked it of me. I'm giving it to you."

     Jensen whimpered, the last dregs of sleep swiftly tumbling away as glaring realization settled in. Though he didn't actually believe Jared would hurt him, there was no escaping the rush of fear sending chills through his body.

     Seemingly satisfied with the knots he'd made, Jared lifted off his perch of Jensen's backside and moved to kneel beside him. Gripping the waistband of gray flannel sleep pants – the only item of clothing Jensen had on – Jared tugged. There was a long pause of stillness and silence before Jared finally spoke, his voice as cold and precise as his accompanied movements of stripping and arranging Jensen, "Took stool softeners for two weeks it hurt so bad to take a dump. Started bleeding again the first couple of times, before it occurred to me to try them. Felt like you were tearing me open all over again, and I'd scream into a towel so no one would hear. Managed to convince Mama I had the Neel virus. It was making the rounds again. Didn't warrant a trip to the doctor, but bad enough to buy me a week or so off from school. I couldn't sit on anything hard for nothing. No damn way I would have survived those hard school chairs during class."

     It wasn't only Jensen's heart breaking as he listened to Jared speak, his entire being felt as if it was being ripped apart at the seams. He fought the urge to scream for Jared to stop. Understood it was the younger man's way of finally letting some of the poison out. The fear, humiliation, and rage Jensen had thrust upon an innocent kid that night, just as surely as he'd forced his cock inside Jared's unwilling virgin body. It didn't matter that Jensen hadn't meant to – would give his own life to take it back. That wasn't going to change the way Jared had suffered. Was still suffering.

     Kneeling between legs he'd bared and spread wide, Jared rested his hands at the tops of Jensen's thighs, thumbs rhythmically stroking back and forth along the crease between leg and ass cheeks. "I didn't so much as kiss anyone again until I was seventeen. Started dating Wendy the summer before our Senior year. Was close to graduation when she," Jared huffed, "was the one to start pushing for sex. Do you have any damned idea how pathetic and damaged I felt? Eighteen fucking years old, dating one of the hottest girls in the school, and I'd start sobbing like a gigantic, gangly, baby every time I tried to make-love to her. And I did, love her. She was amazing. Would just hold me, and rock me, and tell me she'd listen when I was ready. So I told her. Finally. To this day she's the only person I've ever told. She…Wendy helped me work though a lot of it."

     Jensen's nose was clogged with snot, eyes raw and burning with tears he couldn't stop shedding. While he tried to stifle his sobs in the pillow beneath him, there was no way Jared was unaware of his reaction. From limb to limb his body was wracked with sorrow, and it was evident in the way he shook with his hitched in, stuttering breaths. With long minutes ticking by, Jensen could no longer take the anticipation of the silence. "Ja…Jared? Ple…please, what ca…can I–"

     Jared's body was instantly draped over Jensen's, fingers digging into the man's jaw and wrenching it so he could see Jensen's face. "Unless you're saying no, then you shut the fuck up, Jensen! You hear me!"

     The painful clutch of Jared's fingers releasing him, Jensen pressed his lips into a tight white line. He took a moment to look at Jared from the corner of his eye, the bathroom light catching and reflecting in stormy eyes – gone more blue than hazel – that Jensen hardly recognized. He wondered for a moment if maybe he'd been wrong. Maybe Jared really _was_ capable of hurting him, and intended to do just that. For a flash of a second Jensen considered saying no. He didn't. Whatever Jared wanted to inflict on him, Jensen deserved it. Lips still firmly sealed, though it made breathing difficult, Jensen slowly let his eyelids sink closed on Jared's seething glare boring into him, and turned his face back into the tear drenched pillow beneath him.

     Snorting harshly as he drew his body back off of Jensen, Jared grabbed a pale globe of firm flesh in each hand and yanked Jensen's ass cheeks apart. Large hands easily spanning wide, he let one of his thumbs dip into the spread crevice and dragged the pad of it up and down over the tightly furled skin. Words coming out a low, cruel hiss, Jared spoke, "I should take you dry."

     Trembling, Jensen began to cry openly. While he was stricken with fear over the threatened pain to come, it was the sheer hatred in Jared's words that was nearly too much to bear. Words directed at _him_ , coming from the man Jensen had fallen in-love with. Jared might very well reduce him to a screaming, broken shell before the night was over, but nothing could hurt worse than hearing how much Jared hated him in the rabid tone of his voice. Jensen began to shake violently, gasping for breath through his torrent of tears.

     Jared quickly stretched himself out over Jensen once more, a hand stroking through the hair on the back of Jensen's head. "Shh. 's…it's alright, baby. Don…don't cry. Gon…gonna make it g…good."

     Jensen knew those words. Recognized them as a grotesque echo to his own from so long ago. Empty promises meant to sooth a crying body pinned and struggling beneath him… Jensen was suddenly sure he was going to be sick. He opened his mouth to warn– The words froze on his lips as the first wet splash of Jared's tears hit the bare skin on his back. Previous words lost, without a hint of forethought Jensen forced himself to speak, "D…do it, Jared. It…it's okay. I…I deserve it."

     Turning loose a gut wrenching wail, Jared clutched at Jensen's biceps as he buried his face against the nape of the man's neck.

     Jensen tested the knots at his wrists, desperately wanting to roll over and cradle Jared in his arms. They were secure. All he could do was lie there under the younger man's heaving weight, Jared's tears like hot trails of grief rolling down the sides of Jensen's neck.

     Several minutes passed, the two men melded together and wordlessly crying themselves out.

     It was Jared who eventually broke the silence, a delayed response to Jensen's last words, "No. You don't." Peeling himself off of Jensen's back, he sniffled as he plucked a handful of tissues from the box on the bedside table. Blowing his own nose, Jared then held two tissues to Jensen's.

     Startled by the gesture, it took Jensen a moment to get with the program and blow. He honestly couldn't remember the last time someone else had held a tissue to his nose. Certainly he'd been a small child. Though it was odd, and totally unexpected considering the situation, it spoke volumes to Jensen. Despite the rage and hurt and fear, Jared cared. Unsure what he should say, if anything, Jensen settled on silence as he waited for Jared's next move. He didn't have to wait long, his body shifting with the motion of the bed as Jared shuffled around, and then…the snick of a cap.

     "You can say no, Jensen. Any point just tell me to stop and… I promise." Jared liberally coated two fingers in lube, though he waited a good minute before making a move. When Jensen remained silent, Jared spread him back open with one large hand before placing a single digit at his entrance. He didn't attempt to push in right away, simply pet the tightly clenched opening with the pad of his finger until it began to twitch and relax in response.

     Accepting that Jared was going to do this, and he was going to let him, Jensen tried to relax. While his fear was gone, dissolved in Jared's tears that had soaked into his skin, apprehension remained. Under the best of circumstances, even with him being the one to suggest it, there was no way Jensen wasn't going to be nervous. Still, the easier he could make this on both of them the better. If this could be the key to Jared not only making his peace with Jensen, but letting go of some of that past hurt, it was well worth some discomfort and even pain. He breathed in deeply through his nose, then exhaled with a long, audible blow through pursed lips. Repeating the process, Jensen began to arch his ass up to Jared on the exhales.

     Jared seemed to catch on. He lightly swirled his finger against the puckered flesh as Jensen inhaled, then pushed the digit inwards on the breath out. A few times of that, and finally on an exhale…he breached Jensen fully to the third knuckle.

     Though Jensen whimpered at the intrusion, he refused to allow his body any attempt at wiggling away. As always, the sensation was strange and uncomfortable. Invasive. This was Jared though, and Jensen struggled to remind himself of that. It was a part of Jared's body inside his own, ever so gently stretching him open and stroking his inner walls. He kept breathing, bit back the cry on the second finger, but couldn't stop a rapid succession of keening gasps when Jared's long and nimble fingers found that plexus of nerves inside him.  
     The subtle massage gradually intensified, easy brushes over the sensitive gland changing to rapid strokes – the force of pressure steadily increasing. Whether it was because it was Jared, or previous partners (and himself) had lacked the knowledge and/or skill, it had never been like this before. Nothing even remotely close to the excruciating pleasure Jared was giving him. Jensen couldn't help releasing a deluge of open and wanton sounds. Husky growls switching out for broken whimpers. Hissed exclamations of, "Oh fuck!" and low bitten off moans. Jared wasn't stopping him, and he certainly couldn't stop himself, Jensen's hips bucking back in search of more, and shamelessly grinding into the now welcome intrusion.

     Leaning forward, tips of his bangs tickling the dip of Jensen's lower back, Jared kissed the cleft of Jensen's ass. Lapped up the beads of perspiration all around, then raked his teeth down one cheek. He bit into the fleshy apple…and at Jensen's startled gasp thrust a third finger deep within him.

     Jensen screamed. Hadn't even realized he was hard, yet was suddenly shooting out thick ropes of cum onto the crimson, cotton sheets beneath him. The pleasure which had ignited in his core continued to pulse out. Searing electrical tingles running under his skin, through his nerves, and making his body arch and convulse before falling lax against the bed. He couldn't move if his life depended on it, yet somehow his body was in motion.

     Snatching two of the pillows from the head of the bed, Jared lifted Jensen's hips and wedged them underneath. With focus and speed he spread Jensen's thighs wide open, lubed his turgid length as he situated into place, and without warning lowered himself fully into Jensen's body.

     "Jared! Jared! Oh fuu…oh fuu…oh fuuuck!" Jensen's voice trailed off into a steady keening sound. It was too much. Every inch of Jared's blood-swollen cock splitting him open. Agonizing didn't even _begin_ to cover the pain Jensen felt, the rim of his hole stretched so taut he could feel it pulling along Jared's shaft despite the lube. He'd bare it though. Cling to the hope it would soon loosen and give with the easy, shallow strokes Jared was delivering.   
     Eventually it was the strangely pleasurable sensation of fullness, as well the stimulating glide of hard, veiny flesh along his sphincter, that had his pulse speeding back up. However, the seemingly simple – yet complex – reality that it was _Jared's_ gorgeous cock encased in his tight chamber, _that's_ what had Jensen nearly out of his mind. Need, fear, desire, anguish, lust, and love – all if it colliding with the roll of Jared's hips against his ass. The push-pull drag of sex between…them. Him and Jared. Thinking of what had led to this… The emotional ache it caused was indescribable. Yet, the thought of possibly never having _them_ again only made it worse.

     "You ready, Jensen? Ready for me to make you cry and beg and squeal?" Digging his fingers into Jensen's hips, Jared pulled him backwards as he slammed forward with the full force of his body. He didn't let up. Over and over, violently plowing into Jensen's body, the sharp slap of skin on skin lost under the sound of Jensen's guttural screams.

     "Ple…please! Ja…Jared! Can't…can't…" Jensen wailed, body entirely unprepared for the pounding Jared was giving him. The rim of his ass burned like fire, and his gut contracted painfully.

     "Does it hurt, baby? Huh, Jen? Say it!"

     "Yes!"

     "Then fucking tell me to stop!"

     Jensen shook his head vigorously before wordlessly burying his face in his pillow. He wanted to say it, felt like he was dying underneath Jared's force and the anger driving it. He just couldn't. Had to take whatever Jared gave him.

     Jared drove forward again, pelvis grinding tight against Jensen's hole. "Damn you, Jensen! Tell me!"

     "No!"

     "Why? Think you deserve this? Huh? Think it's going to somehow make things right between us? If I violate you until you're bruised and bleeding it'll make up for the past?"

     Fresh tears scalded Jensen's eyes, already raw and sensitive from earlier. "No. Yes. Fuck, don't know, just…"

     "What?" Jared roared, the harsh boom bouncing off the walls of the bedroom.

     "If…if it could…fix us. Then wa…want it. I'll take it. Want…want you to be ab…able to…" Jensen wanted to say forgive him, but he knew it was too much to ask.

     "To what? Huh? You that fucking desperate for me to fill that part of our contract again? Get me back under you where I belong?"

     Jensen struggled to crane his upper body to look behind him and make eye contact, horrified that Jared could even conceive of such a thought. "No, Jared! Please! That's not…don't think that!"

     Fingers digging in hard enough for his blunt nails to pierce the skin on Jensen's hips, Jared growled, his voice dark and threatening as he punctuated every other word with a sharp thrust, "Then what…the fuck…is it!"

     "I…I…" Jensen tried to hold it back, didn't want it to come out like this but it was all just too much. "Damn it, Jared…I love you!"

     The words caused a paradox of an explosion. An instantaneous and eerie silence settling over the room, and both men so still as if frozen – not even the motion of their breathing perceptible.

     The odd moment broken, Jensen was suddenly aware of large fingers fumbling with the binding at his wrists. The rush of blood back into his hands was painful when Jared managed to finally release him, his joints aching from the forced position they'd been held in for so long.

     Fierce tears streaming down his face, Jared unceremoniously flipped Jensen over. Trembling hands gripping and cradling an equally tear stained face, Jared ducked his head down to peer directly into Jensen's eyes. They'd gone a soft, moss green from all of the crying, and Jared simply stared into them, searching. "You…"

     Jared's hands following the motion, Jensen nodded his head as his feelings poured out in words, "I love you. Don't care if I can never touch you or kiss you, or snuggle up with you on rainy mornings or make-love to you in front of a roaring fire. Whatever ways I _can_ have you, I… I need you, Jared. And maybe we can never fix–"

     Jared cut Jensen off with a clumsy and brutal kiss. No finesse or technique, simply unbridled pent-up passion.

     Meeting Jared with equal fervor, Jensen tangled his tongue with Jared's as his hands scrambled over skin slippery with sweat. His palms gliding along rippling back muscles, flexing biceps, and up the nape of Jared's neck until his fingers were deeply twined in damp, chestnut strands.

     Tongue seeking out every last surface of Jensen's mouth, teeth sinking into that spit-slick and sensuous plump lower lip, Jared whimpered before he pulled back. "Jen…Jensen…please. Can…can I…"

     Jensen didn't need Jared to go on. Knew full well what he was asking– Fuck! _Asking_ for. With want and need and desire. No longer driven by anger and willing to _take_ something offered in desperation. Jensen wiggled and shifted, limbs worming around Jared's to get himself back underneath the younger man's body. Locking his eyes with the red-rimmed hazel-blue of Jared's, he drew his knees up and open. "Need you."

     Jared didn't hesitate. Snatching the lube off the bed, he hastily recoated his still rigid cock – the length flushed with blood and leaking from the tip – and placed the head at Jensen's swollen opening. Tenderly brushing a sweaty wisp of dark blonde hair from Jensen's face, Jared claimed the man's mouth as he slowly reentered him.

     It burned, and ached, Jensen's hole raw and sore from the pummeling Jared had given it. Still, he wrapped his legs around Jared's waist. Dug his heels into the crest of the younger man's ass and drew him in even closer. Jensen would walk through flames – fucking gargle crushed glass – to have this. Jared languidly rocking into him, kissing every inch of bared flesh within reach, sucking on his nipples and nuzzling into his sweaty armpit. Jared freely giving Jensen pleasure – and accepting it in return. Wanting him, maybe even…loving him.

     "Feel so amazing around me. Not…not gonna last." Jared continued the steady, rhythmic roll of his hips, hand snaking down between their heaving abdomens to wrap around Jensen's straining erection. "Want you to cum for me, Jens. Wanna feel it from inside you."

     It wasn't any of the sensations from Jared penetrating him that did it. Not that it was bad, quite to the contrary in fact – lingering discomfort steadily being replaced by unexpected and remarkable pleasure. Nor was it Jared's fist, expertly twisting-squeezing-stroking his throbbing cock. It was Jared's voice. The seductive honesty spilling over his lips in heated gravel tones. That's what had Jensen arching his back off the bed, opalescent bursts of his release coating Jared's hand as he cried out the younger man's name.  
     And Jared was right behind him, Jensen's rhythmically clenching muscles triggering his climax. He could feel it. The way Jared's cock seemed to swell before pulsing rapidly, like a pounding heart beat deep inside him.

     Lips brushing against Jensen's with airy little kisses, Jared gingerly withdrew his cock. He grimaced at the pained hissing sound coming from Jensen, and hastily peppered his entire face in more kisses. "Sorry, 'm sorry. Fuck, Jens, how bad did I hurt you?" He moved to look, but Jensen stopped him, the man shaking his head and clinging tightly to Jared's shoulders.

     "I'm okay, Jared. A little sore, that's all. Promise. Just…" Jensen sucked in his lower lip, gaze ducking away. Though it seemed ridiculous, he was afraid to ask for what he wanted. What if–

     Not needing the words that didn't come, Jared nodded his head in silent understanding as he laid down beside Jensen. With tender ease, he drew him into his arms.

**~ ~ ~**

     "Are we… I mean…" Flush up against Jared, much like they'd woken in the dark hours merging Christmas Eve with Christmas Day, Jensen swirled the pad of his index finger around Jared's nipple before resting his palm where the man's heart beat a steady rhythm.

     "I think…yeah." Jared pulled Jensen in a smidgen closer, as if it was possible, and kissed the crown of his head before he went on, "Been trying to work this out in my head for weeks. Hell, since I got here really. Trying to reconcile that college guy who raped me…with the you now. I mean, first I kinda had to. Though, honestly? When I stopped fighting, it wasn't so hard. Really wasn't a damned thing to hint at you being anything but a nice guy…except for that single night. Of course, made more sense when you explained to me how…" Jared paused. He realized he was rambling, but he needed to get it all out – and was certain Jensen wanted him to as well. Running his fingers through Jensen's soft hair, he continued, "And then after? The closer we got. How you kept doing things…and not out of guilt. Which, knew if that was it you'd just be offering me money or something. No, every little thing you did was thought out and…special. Guess I… Hell I _needed_ to make peace with it – you. Not for me, but for us."

     "Jared," Jensen softly exhaled the name as he shifted close enough to be half on top of him.

     "I can't swear to you I won't flashback. That I won't still need time and patience for certain…things. But, Jensen, it was already becoming clear to me before… And after tonight? The guy who raped me, he…he doesn't exist. He sure as hell isn't the you now, and I don't think he was you back then either. My rapist was a creation of, well, a pretty shitty mix of circumstances, and he only really existed in that tragic space of time."

     Jensen raised up to look into Jared's eyes. "What are you… Jared, do you mean…"

     Jared waited, brushed his thumb back and forth along Jensen's cheekbone as he considered his words – and the truth in them – carefully, "I can't forgive you Jensen," the sad and pained expression that marred Jensen's features was like a knife in Jared's gut, and he rushed to get the rest out, "because you never did anything wrong. It wasn't you."

     "But–"

     "No! Should I blame you for being a young, stupid, frat guy? For getting too drunk and not choosing your friends more wisely? Well then how about we blame that fifteen-year-old kid for crashing the party, huh? For sneaking too many beers and using the bathroom in someone's private room?"

     "Jared, that's ridiculous. You were a kid for fuck's sake. You didn't ask for–"

     "And neither did you. You're right, I didn't ask to be raped. But you didn't ask to be drugged. We were both victims."

     Shaking his head and frowning, Jensen rested back down against Jared. "I've been falling for you for months, Jared. And this? Only makes me love you all the harder. That you've been able to see all of this – me – in a light that… You are so damn amazing, just… I don't think I can ever not feel guilty. That I won't always question what I could have–"

     "I shouldn't have done what I did to you tonight," Jared blurted out. Just as he realized they were both victims, he realized him and Jensen now equally shared a sense of guilt for inflicting pain on the other.

     "What do you mean?" Jensen shouted, bolting upright from where he'd just settled, and staring at Jared with uncomprehending eyes. "We just… And it was… And…we're talking, Jared. Really talking about this. And unless I imagined the last few minutes, we resolved shit! And… Fucking hell, Jared, if that's what it took for you to finally release all of that hurt and rage? So-fucking-be it! I'd have let you rip me limb from limb if I thought–"

     Jared sprung up, gripping Jensen's shoulders and forcing him back against the mattress as he rolled on top of him – effectively cutting off the man's words. He peered into startled hazel-green eyes before lowering his gaze to slightly parted lips, small exhales of panted breaths wafting over them and against Jared's face. He kissed Jensen, hard, then quickly pulled back. "Such a damned martyr."

     Jensen huffed as he rolled his eyes. "Look who's talking."

     Shaking his head, Jared laughed. "Great, so we're both victimized, guilt ridden, martyrs. What else do we have in common?"

     Lips quirking upward at the corners, Jensen leered up at Jared. "Oh, I suspect we can find a few things…"

**~ J & J ~**


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter Fifteen

     "What if you only love me because you own me?"

     Jensen nearly dropped the plate he held with the dishtowel. "Are you… _What?!_ "

     "Yes I'm serious, and just…what if?"

     Setting down the items in his hand, Jensen took the half-step to close the distance between the two of them, placing his hands on Jared's hips and turning the younger man into him. "For one? No. Just no. And two? I don't own you."

     "Kinda do," Jared mumbled.

     "That contract, Jared? If I could take it and rip it to shreds I would. In our own private life, I've tried to break every damnable contracted obligation between us that I–"

     "No, I know! And don't think… Jensen, that's part of what made it so easy for me to love you back."

     Jensen arched an eyebrow. "Alright then, so tell me: when it's up, your time served, will you stop loving me?"

     "Of course not!"

     "Well then?" Jensen watched Jared's eyes roll and knew his point was taken.

**~ J & J ~**

     It wasn't enough. Though Jared seemed content with his reassurance, the fact he'd been concerned over the validity of Jensen's love for him in the first place left Jensen twitchy.

     It took several days of mulling it over before Jensen had arranged lunch with Brett.

**~ ~ ~**

     Brett peered over his menu at Jensen. "Why do I get the feeling you didn't just miss me?"

     "I missed you. I swear."

     "Don't waste your time. Just buy me the biggest steak on the menu and lay it on me."

     "Fine." Jensen took a long sip of his iced tea. "I want to marry Jared."

     Brett sputtered his mouthful of gin and tonic all over the table.

     Jensen simply grinned as he wiped a few stray droplets off himself with a cloth napkin. "So. I want you on this. David is…amazing. He's never done me wrong as my attorney – and, of course, I'll let him in on this at some point. For now though, I want you checking into things. It may not even be possible while I'm his CP, and if it is, David would just try to talk me out of it. But you know, man. You understand all the–"

     "Shit, Jensen, obviously I don't. Last we talked about this you were falling for your PSC, who just happens to be a guy who couldn't get past you raping him some twelve odd years ago. I'm just sitting here wondering what the hell I missed, or if this is your grand new scheme to get the kid to forgive you?"

     "You're right. I'm an idiot, and a bad friend. It is all really recent though. We, uh, had a breakthrough I guess. We're…good."

     "Better than good I hope, if you suddenly want to marry him!"

     A shy smile slowly slipped across Jensen's face. "Yeah. Yeah we are. I love him. Can't imagine my life without him, and this is the best way I can think to show him that. Hell, show the world that! Anyone who finds out he's my PSC… No, if it's possible, I simply want people to know he's my husband – or at least first and most importantly. I also want him taken care of. Want him to have whatever benefits this may afford him, and should anything happen to me I want my estate to fall to him."

     "I can't even… You, Ackles, talking like this? I just… Please at least tell me he feels the same?"

     Jensen roared with laughter. "He does, promise. And it's…nothing like it, man. The feeling. And that's kinda why it's important to me that you do this. You're an attorney. Jared's attorney at that. But you're also our friend. You're who I want looking into this. Who I trust to make sure it would be in Jared's best interest, and that there aren't any loopholes with the CP Contract. I don't want to take any risks of that changing negatively if we're married."

     "Does he know you're asking?"

     "No. One, I didn't want to bring it up without knowing if it was possible. Two, well… I kinda want to, you know, propose."

     "You…" Brett shook his head and smiled. "You really are in-love with him, aren't you?"

     Jensen just smiled. "So will you do this for me? I'll retain your services, all proper and everything."

     "I can tell you now I've never heard of anyone marrying their PSC, but, yeah, I'll look into it. Give me a week or so?"

     "Absolutely. Thanks, Brett."

**~ J & J ~**

     "While it's not unprecedented, it's rare. I had to really look closely, but turns out it's not that big of a deal. Just wanted to be sure. You will have to submit some paperwork to the courts and… Okay, the main thing you need to be aware of is if you were to divorce? You'd be required to dissolve the CP Contract." Brett slid a file folder across his desk to Jensen.

     "Well, good thing I don't intend to divorce him them." Jensen grinned, flipping through the various forms to be signed.

     Brett simply smirked and shook his head. "So are you ready to bring Shetfield in on this?"

     "Not yet. Not until Jared says yes."

     "You think he will?"

     "A part of me thinks no. That he'll insist on waiting until the contract is up. That's why I wanted to know about any potential perks."

     "Ah, yes," Brett raised a finger in symbol of victory, "the perks. Turns out there is a doozie."

     Jensen leaned forward, eager. "Really?"

     Brett nodded. "Jared can't make a profit from his photography while he serves out his time, right? Well, turns out if his income technically goes to his spouse…"

     "Seriously? Jared could work?"

     "Yup."

     Jumping up, Jensen leaned across the desk and grabbed Brett's face, holding his friend tight as he planted a quick – _smacking_ – kiss right on Brett's lips. "I freakin' love you, man!"

     "Ugh! Dude!" Brett swiped the back of his hand across huffing lips, his eyes however twinkling with mirth. "Save it for your fiancé."

     "Not my fiancé yet."

     " _Yet_ being the operative word there."

     "I… Brett, I want you to be the one to draw up the documents."

     "Jensen, buddy, it's not–"

     "Half. If we divorce he gets half of my liquid assets. No stipulations. I want it cut and dry, Brett."

     "You know you're only required to give him a quarter, and even then there are–"  
     "I know. And anything I don't, David will make me pointlessly aware of. This is what I want, and I know you won't fight me on it."

     "Shetfield's gonna be pissed."

     "Probably, but… I've entrusted him with my finances, business, even certain personal matters. You know that. My relationship with Jared though? David only approaches things with logic. I want this handled with…heart."

     Brett dramatically clutched at his chest, chin quivering and eyelids all aflutter. "Why, Jensen Ackles, you big romantic lug, you."

     "Shud'up. Asshole."

     "Sap."

     "So you'll do this?"

     "For anyone else? Not even. I'm gonna be taking shit from Shetfield over this for months!"

     "I will so owe you, man."

     "Yeah-yeah. Just wait 'til you get my bill." Brett snorted. "Now get the hell outta my office and go get your man."

**~ J & J ~**

     "So, you going to tell me what we're really doing here?" Jared pulled Jensen closer to him, the two of them snuggled on a thick faux fur rug. The beige material soft and plush under their naked bodies, they'd made-love for hours in front of a roaring fire.

     "What? A guy can't simply whisk the man he loves off for a spontaneous romantic weekend?"

     "When he's in the middle of going after a major new client? No, not so much." It wasn't that Jared didn't love the quaint little B&B situated on the coast. Or the day of horseback riding along snow covered trails through acres of ponderosa pines. And he _certainly_ hadn't been opposed to making Jensen beg, oh-so-sweetly, for Jared to fuck him while he'd licked the man open. Still, Jared knew Jensen hadn't booked them a suite for the weekend on a whim. Something was on his mind.

     Jensen shifted away from Jared and sat up. He grabbed a hand-stitched quilt and draped it around his shoulders, bringing his knees up and wrapping his arms around them. "I, um, need to tell you something. Since you came to live with me, it's the only thing I've ever kept from you, and…well you might not like it but I have to tell you."

     Jared sat up as well, though he kept some distance between him and Jensen. Both the man's demeanor and words had him on edge. Still, he didn't push, simply waited for Jensen to go on.

     "After we got back from New York, and got your studio fixed-up, I… Jared, I wanted so badly for things to be alright between us. There was that constant undercurrent of push-pull between us, and I just… I was at a loss and… I confided in Brett."

     "What exactly–"

     "Everything." Jensen hunched in on himself a little more.

     Jared worked his throat to swallow, shaking his head minutely at the feeling of betrayal slowly enveloping him.

     "I feel like I should apologize for doing it. Tell you I know I shouldn't’ve–"

     "You think?" Jared snapped. "Damn it, Jensen, how could you–"

     "But I'm not going to. I can't regret it, not when it helped me realize how much I really love you. How Brett was able to see things I hadn't. And…if me talking to him in any way helped us… He's my best friend, I wouldn't have told anyone else. Hell, probably still wouldn't've if he wasn't an attorney."

     Jared's brow furrowed as he cocked his head. "What? I don't–"

     Jensen gave a weak snort. "I slipped him a dollar before I told him. Trusting him with my own personal stuff is one thing, but yours? I wanted him bound to keeping the confidence."

     Jared found himself laughing, he couldn't help it. He _was_ upset about it. Didn't really like that anyone he frequently interacted with, besides Jensen of course, knew. However, he just didn't have it in him to be angry with Jensen. The lengths the man would go to for him, how hard Jensen loved him… Jared scooched across the rug and up behind Jensen, arranging himself around the huddled up man and resting his chin on Jensen's shoulder. "Why now? You probably could have kept this to yourself and I'd never have known."

     "Part of it is I don't want to keep secrets from you. And like I said, this is the only thing I haven't been honest with you about."

     "So no secrets between us?"

     "Nope." Jensen relaxed back against Jared's chest.

     "Then what's the other part?" Jared nipped playfully at Jensen's earlobe.

     "Uhhh…tomorrow."

     "Huh?"

     "Okay, so maybe we don't divulge _all_ secrets. I mean, sometimes there are good secrets. Surprises. Right?"

     "Hmm, a surprise? I don't know, Jens. Think maybe you're going to have to come up with a pretty sweet distraction to make it worth my while."

     Tugging the quilt out from between them and tossing it aside, Jensen turned his upper body so he could look into Jared's eyes. "I'm sure I can come up with something."

     The shadow of orange flames flickered over their entwined bodies, the two men falling back against the rug once more.

**~ J & J ~**

     After a lazy morning of lovemaking in the antique four poster bed, then a scrumptious lunch of homemade soup and sandwiches to fill and warm them, Jensen led Jared out for a walk on the cliffs. Hand and hand they strolled along, the crunch of snow under their boots mingling with the sounds of icy waves crashing against the rocks far below. Finally stopping beneath a grove of trees, Jensen looked all around their magnificent surroundings. "Breathtaking, isn't it?"

     "It really is. I'm kicking myself for not bringing my camera."

     "Next time." Jensen squeezed Jared's hand.

     "Next time?"

     "Absolutely. I mean, if you like it–"

     "I love it here. Yes. It could…"

     "Be our special place," Jensen paused, watching a brilliant smile light up Jared's face, dimples cutting deep into rosy cheeks. His pulse quickening, Jensen had to force himself to breathe as he went on, "Can you imagine it in the spring?"

     "It's going to be so beautiful."

     "Be a perfect spot for a wedding, don't you think?"

     Jared nodded absently, eyes scanning out over the ocean. "Yeah, it really woul– Wait? _What?_ A wed…" the word caught, Jared unable to get it out as wide, startled eyes focused intently on Jensen.

     "A wedding, Jared. Our wedding." Jensen slipped his hand into the inside pocket of his coat, withdrawing the black, velvet box as he dropped to one knee. He was unmindful of the cold snow soaking through his jeans, the only thing in the entire world important to him in that moment being Jared – and Jensen stamping into his memory every precious and adorable way the bewildered man responded.

     Eyes darting wildly between Jensen's face and the circle of etched platinum cradled in black velvet, Jared's mouth hung open. Garbled noise, nothing intelligible, passed over his lips.

     "I love you, Jared Padalecki. I've…never felt this way about anyone. Honestly never thought I would. I'm happier than I've ever been in my whole life, and that's because of you. I don't ever want to be without you, Jare. Want to spend the rest of my days loving you, making a life with you, putting that gorgeous smile on your face that's so bright it chases every darkness away. Be my husband, Jared."

     Icy tears trickled down Jared's cheeks as he stepped forward, running his fingers through the hair at Jensen's temple. "Jensen, I'm not–"

     "Knew you'd have reservations. Knew you'd want to wait until your sentence was served and the contract ended. But I still… I had Brett look into it. Make certain it was even possible, and, Jared… Just trust me, alright? I'll fill you in on everything when we aren't out here with numb fingers and frozen tears on our faces. Please, Jare, all I ask is you answer with your heart."

     Jared looked up, gazing all around them as he took in a deep, shuddering breath. "It's been a year, you know."

     "One year to the day tomorrow," Jensen whispered, the sound of his pounding heart seeming louder to him than his voice.

     "I…" Jared ducked his eyes to where Jensen was still on bended knee, shivering, and peered into the man's hopeful gaze. With a choked gasp, he dropped down to his own knees in front of him, cupping Jensen's face in his palms and smothering every inch of freckled skin in frantic kisses. "Love you so much, Jensen. So damn much. Yes. Yes! I'll marry you!"

**~ ~ ~**

     It was only once they were back in their room – huddled together under a quilt in front of a warm fire, steaming mugs of hot cocoa in hand, and matching platinum bands slipped lovingly in place on one another's fingers – that Jensen finally filled Jared in on all the legalities of their pending marriage.

     "I don't want your money," Jared huffed.

     "We will _not_ be getting divorced, so that part's just a technicality. And if something were to happen to me, well then it _should_ go to you. I want it to."

     "Fine."

     "Fine? Really? You're not going to argue every blessed excuse you can think of?" Jensen grinned, his body vibrating with a soft chuckle.

     "Arguing with you on some matters is pointless. And if we're in this for the long haul, I need to start picking and choosing my battles."

     Jensen hummed. "Knew you were a smart man."

     Jared knocked his shoulder into Jensen's, then ducked his head shyly and took a sip of his cocoa. "So… I can really work?"

     "Yeah. Again with the technicalities. While your earnings go to me, I simply turn around and place them in our joint account. Brett said it was actually rather interesting – I just thought it was fucked up. If you can manage to make money while serving time, it can go to your spouse but not you. Yet, as your Convict Proprietor, I hold the right to have a joint account and give my PSC access at my discretion. So, I guess, despite the situation it works out kind of perfect."

     Though Jared smiled softly and nodded, it wasn't entirely genuine, Jensen could see it in his eyes. "Jensen, what if I don't… I mean…"

     "Jare, you don't have to work if you don't want to. Hell, neither of us do really. With all of my investments, we never have to worry about–"

     "That's not…" Jared's expression was painfully serious, head shaking and the corners of his mouth caught in a grimace. "What if I never… If I can't get past that last barrier? If you can never fuck me again, are you still going to–"

     "No! Don't you say that, don't you even think that, Jared!" Jensen set his mug down, then took Jared's to do the same. He practically pulled Jared onto his lap and cradled him, tucking the younger man's head under his chin and against his chest. "We could never have sex again _period_ , and…I mean it. As long as you love me, and let me love you, that is _ALL_ that matters to me. Do you hear me?"

     "Just know how much you enjoyed–"

     "Love you more than your ass."

     Jared snorted as he cuddled in closer to Jensen's body. "I enjoyed it too, you know. Miss it. 'm afraid though. Afraid if we try and I can't…"

     "Then we don't try. Unless, at some point, you absolutely want to. Then we take it slow, careful. And if it goes bad? We deal with it and know to leave it be…or give it some time. A lot of time. We have our whole lives, Jared."

     "And you're honestly okay with…you know…"

     "Only you, Jare. Seriously. Gotta wonder if it never worked any of those other times because…'cause I was made for you, and you alone." Jensen let out a long sigh, left corner of his mouth quirking up slightly. "And I have officially stepped straight out of a Harlequin romance novel."

     " 's alright. Think you're cute when you get all sappy. Goes with your adorable belly."

     "I do _not_ have a belly!" Jensen squawked.

     Fingers wiggling at Jensen's waist, Jared tickled the tiny, little pooch. "Totally do! And I'm going to tickle it, and blow raspberries on it, and rub my stubble all over it, and…" Jared trailed off, manhandling Jensen underneath him and yanking up soft, worn cotton to lovingly torment his stomach.

     "Stop! Stop, Jare!" Jensen laughed, the good kind of tears trickling from the outer corners of his eyes as he batted at Jared's hands.

     Jared halted and gazed down at Jensen. "We're really going to do this, aren't we? Promise to love each other for always in front of all our friends and family? Do the house? Kids? Grand-kids? Grow old together? You and me, right, Jens?"

     "All of it, and more. You and me, Jare."

**~ J & J ~**


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter Sixteen

     "Gina demanded a raise," Jensen grumbled, stripping out of his work suit and collapsing on the bed – shoes still on and slacks trapped around his ankles.

     Jared strolled across their bedroom to finish undressing his fiancé. "Dare I ask?"

     "Our mothers! Gina says they won't quit hounding her. Says she's one ' _suggestion_ ' away from changing her cell number and demanding the company operator not transfer their calls."

     "We've got the B&B booked for three days in April. A slew of extra rooms at a hotel in town for two of those days. The Justice of the Peace confirmed. We've got confirmation on everything for the honeymoon. All I’s are dotted and T’s crossed on the paper work. We've got the rings." Jared displayed his adorned finger with a proud grin. "And everyone who should, knows when and where. Right? What's left?"

     "Apparently? A whole lot. Flowers and food and souvenirs for the guests. Blue things and borrowed things, and boutonnieres. Pardon my sexist incorrectness, but I think it really is a girl thing. Though, I suppose, some guys–"

     "Who aren’t us, and who don’t have a Gina who has all of that covered and will make our wedding _amazing_."

     "Agreed. It’ll be romantic, classy, memorable, but not over-the-top. Which left to our mothers… Gina said they thought we should ride up to each other on horses."

     "Oh! We can do that?"

     "Don't you start!"

     "Come on, you love horses!"

     "Yeah. Doesn't mean I want to smell like one while I commit my life and pledge my undying love to you."

     "Good point."

     Jensen forced himself to sitting, a groan escaping of its own volition. "Gonna take a shower before dinner. Wanna join me?"

     Jared laughed at Jensen's waggling eyebrows. "Yeah, start without me. I need to pull the lasagna out of the oven and pop the French loaf in."

     Making yummy noises, Jensen went into the bathroom.

     After tending to the meal prep, Jared made his way to the bathroom. Standing against the sink, bare ass cheeks resting on cool marble, he simply watched Jensen. Water and suds vining down gorgeous freckled flesh over firm muscle.

     "You just going to stand there ogling me? 's funner if you look _and_ touch."

     Hazel eyes narrowing, a smirk flirting with lewdness curling his lips, Jared stepped under the water with Jensen. He ran his hands over strong biceps, and pressed a light kiss to Jensen's lips. "I want to photograph you."

**~ J & J ~**

     "I still don't know about this," Jensen grumbled, fussing with the button of his jeans.

     "Door is locked. Blinds pulled. Just you and me, and like I promised, no one sees these unless you give the okay." With Jensen still hesitating, Jared set down the lighting equipment he was working on and went to him. Gently placing his palms on the sides of Jensen's neck, Jared kissed him on the forehead. "Don't _have_ to do this. Not if you're really that uncomfortable. You're beautiful though, and I'd love to capture it…my way."

     Jensen wordlessly answered, ducking his head down to rest his forehead against Jared's chest as he unfastened his jeans and let them fall to the floor. Stepping out of them, Jensen grinned when Jared moved to help him shimmy out of his boxer-briefs as well.

     "Alright. Have a glass of wine, breathe, and give me just a few minutes to finish setting up." Jared gave Jensen another quick kiss, this one on the tip of his freckled nose. He smiled at the man's put-upon huff, then playfully smacked the gorgeously formed posterior turned to him when Jensen walked away.  
     With the equipment quickly put in place, and the lightening set, Jared turned off the overhead lights. He motioned Jensen over a little ways from the stark white, oblong platform Jared would be posing him on – the solid block standing waist high, and large enough for Jensen to stretch out across the surface. Squatting down over the laid out tarp and opening the first canister of body paint, Jared grabbed a three-inch paint brush and dipped it into the ultraviolet teal. He looked up at Jensen hovering next to him and grinned. "You ready?"

     "As I'll ever be."

     "Good." With that, Jared stood, holding the dripping brush at the ready as he surveyed Jensen's nude body. "Okay, I think…lift your arm for me, yeah," bristles met skin as Jared drug the brush in a slight curve around the front of Jensen's ribcage, down, and to the back, "that's perfect. Now come over here and…let's see…" Jared arranged Jensen's body in front of the platform, one knee bent on the top and his body angled so the barest hint of groin would be visible. "Yup, head tilted just a bit more this way, and…think you can hold this?"

     "I'm good. Do your thing."

     At Jensen's added wink, Jared nodded and went to work.

     Hours passed. Multiple cans of paint opened, with vibrant colors being streaked across ridges of muscle and soft plains of flesh. Hundreds upon hundreds of shots taken. Jared manipulating Jensen's body into both easy and intricate poses – all the while Jensen taking it in stride.

     As time went on, rather than growing weary they both relaxed into it. Even taking time to enjoy the intimacy of their interactions. Jared kissing Jensen's skin as he removed one color from his fiancé's body and replaced it with another. Jensen moaning softly while Jared massaged his muscles after a strenuous pose.

     Jared peered at Jensen through the lens, click after click capturing the final pose. Finally lowering his camera, he continued to gaze at the man – Jensen sprawled out on his back across the platform, body angled gently towards the camera. His right arm laid flat up over his head, a line of red from elbow to armpit, and his head tilted back to prominently display the length of his throat. A smattering of silver covered his left pectoral and nipple, another thin line trailing down below his navel. Jared had a swath of sheer, white fabric draped across his groin and back over his left hip, only the faintest outline of his slight erection visible. Left knee bent, a large streak of deep violet ran down his extended right leg.  
     Once Jared tweaked the images in his photo editor, he knew they'd be stunning. Jensen's body in grayscale and shadow, only the brush strokes of paint standing out in contrast with their glowing shock of color.

     Walking over to Jensen, Jared let his fingertips ghost along warm flesh covered in dark honey hairs. Ankle to knee, swirling around the kneecap, then further up well muscled thigh to where he gently pulled away the flimsy material there.

     "Jared," Jensen sighed, eyelids fluttering closed as he slowly licked over his lower lip.

     "So fucking beautiful. You don't even know." Jared shed is hoodie, then entwined his fingers with the hand Jensen held out to him. "Want you."

     Jensen sat up and worked the fingers of his free hand to undo Jared's faded jeans, nose nuzzling into the patch of dark hair on Jared's chest. " 'm yours."

     "Want you inside me."

     Hands freezing with Jared's jeans and boxers halfway down strong thighs, Jensen snapped his head up. "You… Jared, are…are you sure? You don't–"

     "Need you. Please." He wasn't certain where the overwhelming desire was coming from, but suddenly every part of Jared was frantic for Jensen to be claiming him, possessing him. He wanted Jensen encompassing him, inside and out.

     "Okay. Okay." Jensen hastily finished removing Jared's clothing, pausing long enough for Jared to toe off his sneakers. He stood, wrapping a hand around the back of Jared's neck and pulling him down into a sultry kiss, all tangled tongues and clanking teeth. With Jared clutching wildly at him, blunt nails raking across bare flesh, Jensen walked them backwards to the overstuffed sofa lining one wall.

     As soon as the backs of Jared's knees hit the sofa, he dropped down, pulling Jensen with him and groaning in pleasure at the feel of Jensen's naked weight against him. With no forethought he slouched down, long legs wrapping around slender hips to tug Jensen's pelvis in snug against his own – cocks leaking with pre-cum slip-sliding along each other.

     Jensen braced himself on the sofa, knees bent on the edge of the generously wide cushions, and arms locked either side of Jared's head against the back. He licked his way back inside Jared's mouth, stroking and coaxing the man's tongue as he languidly rocked his hips down and up, a slow grinding friction between their swollen lengths.

     Time held no meaning as they continued on that way. The two of them exploring one another's mouths as if they'd never done so before. Situating, and resituating – positioned much the same but for Jared stretched out the length of the sofa – their hands roamed, touching and caressing dips and planes of warm, supple flesh.

     Eventually easing back from the kiss, Jensen started with Jared's swollen lower lip, gently nipping the blood-red flesh before kissing it once more. He continued the teasing trail downwards: Jared's jawline from ear to chin, down the taut line of his exposed throat, across his collar bone, and eventually to the dusky rose of his nipples. Jensen teased the small peaks, capturing and rolling the nubs between his front teeth before mouthing over the whole of Jared's areola and sucking in earnest.

     Jared cried out, hips bucking up off the sofa. Jensen had played with his nipples on more than one occasion, but never with this much focus and attention. The sensation was overwhelming, his cock twitching and leaking as if Jensen was sucking it instead of his nipples. "Holy shit, Jens! Feels like…fuck, think I could cum like this."

     Jensen chuckled, releasing his mouthful of Jared's pec with a wet _pop_. "Can't have that now, can we?"

     "We can't?" Jared stared up into Jensen's face, the man's eyes twinkling brightly as he shook his head.

     "Want you cuming on my cock, with me spilling inside you. Gonna bring you to the edge and back until you're begging for us to fall over together," Jensen paused, the light in his eyes dimming as he briefly sucked in his lower lip. "I mean…if you still…"

     Jared didn't hesitate to give Jensen the reassurance he needed, reaching up and stroking a thumb over the man's cheek as he spoke, "Still need you? Inside me? Claiming me and loving me? Owning my body again, and making it sing like only you can?" Jared moved his hand from Jensen's face and down to the man's chest, splaying his fingers out over the dried silver still lingering there. He'd deliberately placed the stroke of paint over his fiancé's heart earlier, and could now feel the rapid beat beneath his palm. "I love you, Jensen."

     Placing his own hand over Jared's heart, Jensen ducked down to claim the younger man's mouth in a searing though short kiss.

     While Jared groaned at the loss of Jensen's kiss, his disappointment was short lived before those sinful lips were suddenly occupied elsewhere – wrapping around his straining girth and engulfing it entirely. Even if Jared was capable of forming words, none would be adequate. Nothing could describe the sensation of the head of his cock slipping down to nestle in Jensen's throat. If not for the man's fist wrapped tight around the base, Jared would have erupted straight down Jensen's gullet.

     Jensen hummed around one end of Jared's length while squeezing at the other, his opposite hand rolling and gently tugging the younger man's heavy balls. Eventually pulling off, he lapped at Jared's cock repeatedly. Flat press of his tongue leisurely gliding up, root to tip, like it was a velvety smooth, nine inch lollipop. Teasing at the slit before taking the pulsing member back into his mouth, Jensen bobbed up and down, sloppy and zealous, saliva and pre-cum dribbling down to coat Jared's sac and further below.

     "Oh fuck! Oh fuck! Jensen! Gonna…can't…" Jared was nearly out of his mind with the desire to cum, the sound of his heartbeat – in time with the pulse of his cock – thundering in his ears. A burst of cool air suddenly rushed around his painfully hard length, and Jared all out sobbed.

     "Easy, Jared. Easy now, baby, I'm gonna get you there…eventually." Jensen smirked, eyes sparkling with mischief and lust, and pressed short feathery kisses along the cut of Jared's hip and down his thigh.

     Jared tossed an arm over his eyes, the urgency for release slowly ebbing as he grumbled at Jensen, "I hate you."

     "You love me," Jensen chuckled.

     "Fine. I hate that I love you," Jared replied, well aware he sounded like a petulant child.

     "Want me to let you cum? I can suck you right back down. Release my grip and let you shoot straight down my throat. That what you want, Jare?" Jensen squeezed a little tighter around the base of Jared's cock before giving the tip a hasty flick of his tongue.

     "Son of ahhh…Yes! Wait! No! Damn it, Jensen, just fuck me! Pleee…ase–Ahhh!" Jared cried out, eyes slamming shut as Jensen's reply came in the form of one finger suddenly and easily breaching him.

     Jensen let the single digit sink all the way in, the mixture of his own saliva and Jared's pre-cum that had trailed down slicking the way. Closely watching Jared's body for any sign of distress, he spoke with a slight tremble to his voice, "You with me, Jare? Need me to st–"

     "More." Jared locked his eyes with Jensen's, could see the hesitation there, as well the concern in the furrow of the man's brow. Jared wordlessly eased his worry. Grabbing Jensen's arm and holding it in place, he wantonly rotated his hips against the desired intrusion.

     Eyelids fluttering shut on a deep moan, Jensen nodded even as he gingerly removed the single digit. Eyes still closed, he brought his hand up to his mouth, readily opening wide and inserting two fingers.

     "Tryin' to kill me, aren't you?" Jared knew one of those fingers had just been inside him. Knew just as well they'd both be going back in.

     Lewdly slurping and twining his tongue around the two digits, Jensen opened his eyes and caught Jared's heated gaze. He didn't answer, simply quirked an eyebrow as he removed his fingers, a string of saliva from lips to fingers catching in the light as it stretched and finally broke. With a dirty, little smirk from Jared, Jensen had the wet digits working up into the younger man's lax body.

     Jared waited as long as he could, which really wasn't long at all, letting Jensen work him open with the patience and care he knew the man was striving for. Reaching under the cushions of the sofa, he felt for the tube he knew was there – somewhere. This wasn't their first turn at sullying the sofa…or the shower stall, the barely big enough counter in the kitchenette, or numerous random areas of bare floor space in the studio, for that matter.

     Jensen paused mid-twist of his fingers. "What are you–"

     Fingers wrapping around the found item, Jared yanked it out from under the cushion and smacked the bottle of lube against Jensen's chest.

     "Oh." Jensen grinned.

     "You brush over that spot one more time, Jens, and a damn _cock ring_ couldn't keep me from blowing. Gonna go crazy if you don't get inside me."

     Bending forward, Jensen let his lips barely ghost over Jared's. "Crazy, huh?"

     "Yeah," Jared whispered, the breath of his voice breezing into Jensen's mouth, the man's lips still hovering just over his own.

     "Good." Lips crashing against Jared's, Jensen withdrew his fingers. Opening the lube with a familiar _snick_ of the cap, he quickly coated his straining erection before pulling away from the kiss. Brushing back sweaty bangs from the younger man's forehead, Jensen rubbed the tip of Jared's nose with his own. "Love you so much, Jared. No matter what."

     "Love you too, Jensen." A part of him braced for it – fear and panic to come rushing in and bring things to a catastrophic halt. But staring up into the soulful eyes of the man he was going to marry, face-to-face in that truest test of positions as Jensen carefully pushed inside him, all Jared felt was loved. He took it all in, not only his lover's cock, but every ounce of passion and longing and care that Jensen held for him – openly displayed in hazel-green eyes, shimmering with unshed tears.

**~ ~ ~**

     It was like coming home. Better than any time before, knowing well and truly that Jared wanted this. Them. Was eagerly opening himself up, _needing_ for Jensen to make-love to him.

     Jensen's only upset was in realizing he wouldn't last long. As much as he'd been staving off Jared's orgasm, he'd equally been battling to hold back his own. The only consolation was in the fair certainty they'd be doing this again, if Jared's reaction was anything to go by.

     A breathless litany of, "Yes, Jensen, please," pouring over Jared's lips, he wrapped his legs around the man's waist and drew him in closer, ass rolling up to meet the first of Jensen's subdued thrusts.

     "So perfect, Jare." Jensen dragged his tongue up the taut and exposed line of Jared's neck, savoring the taste of his skin and the salty tang of his sweat. "So damn gorgeous like this. Beautiful, amazing," he paused to lick and bite at the small cleft in Jared's chin. "Can't believe I get to have this. You."

     "Yours, Jens. Feel so good inside me." Blunt fingernails sunk into Jensen's ass, Jared urging the man deeper. "Don't hold back, need you."

     At Jared's imploring, Jensen couldn't refrain any longer. Whispering, "I love you," he ducked his head to Jared's shoulder and slammed his hips forward. Over and over – Jared's grunted-cried-gasped sounds of pleasure echoing all around him – Jensen rapidly thrust every inch of his throbbing length deep inside his lover. His friend, fiancé, confidant…his everything. This boy whom he had unintentionally taken so much from, now a grown man and giving Jensen more than he ever realized he wanted – more than he likely deserved.

     Hugging himself to Jensen, long arms clinging tightly around the man's ribcage as their combined sweat collected on his chest, Jared buried his face into the curve between Jensen's neck and shoulder.

     Jensen immediately eased the none-too-gentle thrust of his hips. A jolt of fear shot through him, his voice shaky with the urgent concern welling up inside of him, "You alright, Jare? Still with me, baby?"

     Turning his head, nose pressing in and dragging up along Jensen's neck, Jared huffed out a heavy gust of breath behind the man's ear. Releasing a sound nothing short of a low growl, he bit down into the tender lobe and rolled it between his teeth.

     Jensen groaned, pelvis bucking forward in reflexive response to the stimulation – like there was a direct connection from his earlobe to his dick. "Oh fuck…that's…gonna take that as a yes."

     A low chuckle in his throat, Jared drew the lobe between his lips and sucked hard on the spongy bit of flesh.

     "Damn that's good! Gonna make me–"

     "Cum?" Jared's voice was low and sultry, some impossible mix of silk and gravel. "Shoot your hot load up inside me? Claiming me from the inside out?"

     "Jared," Jensen virtually hissed the man's name, Jared's words sinking into his every pore and pulsing-throbbing-burning beneath his skin. The utter _need_ to climax was suddenly overwhelming, too much blood rushing to his already engorged length.

     "Do it, Jensen!"

     With a primal growl, Jensen shoved his hand between the two of them and wrapped his fist tight around Jared's shaft, the flesh hot and stretched thin and taut beneath his touch. Sinking fully into fluttering, velvet heat with a near brutal stab, Jensen crushed his groin into the groove of Jared's splayed ass and held himself there. Gyrating his hips, he gazed down into hazel-blue eyes blown wide. "With me, Jare."

     "Right there, Jens. Right…fucking…thhherrre!" Jared cried out, sweat drenched back arching off the sofa as Jensen's thumb pushed into the slit of his cock.

     Jensen hastily removed his thumb, thick white strands erupting out over his fist, up his chest, and even splashing against his neck and chin. And he was right there too. One final thrust, and Jensen's world narrowed down to the only thing that had ever truly mattered in his thirty-three years… "Jared!" The significance of the moment not lost on him, almost a living thing coursing through his trembling body, Jensen gasped with each pulse of his cock releasing deep inside Jared's body.   
     He wanted to collapse against his lover. Tuck his head under Jared's chin and lie there together in sated bliss. He couldn't though, needed to be sure… "Jared?"

     "Hmm?"

     Jensen gazed down at the younger man, Jared's eyes closed and a tiny smile on his parted lips. "How doin'?"

     "Mmm, perfect," Jared replied, voice thick and lazy.

     While he hesitated to press, Jensen questioned softly, "Any–"

     "No." Jared's eyes rapidly blinked open, locking with Jensen's as he shook his head. Reaching both hands up, he let his fingers tenderly slide through dark blonde hair from the temples back. "Just now. Us."

     "Us." Gazing down at Jared, scrutinizing every nuance of his expression, the corners of Jensen's mouth lifted – his heart soaring – as a dimpled smile slowly formed and beamed back up at him. Guided by Jared's steady yet gentle pull, Jensen dipped down and pressed their lips together.

**~ J & J ~**


	17. Epilogue

Epilogue

_**5 Years Later** _

     "Did you get that e-mail from Mama?" Jared asked, tossing straw mushrooms and scallions into the stir-fry.

     Jensen poured them each a glass of German Riesling as he shook his head. "No. Must've missed it. Anything good?"

     "You should go look while I finish this up. She got a tip on this fantastic house and acreage, just on the market, through a friend of a friend or something. Thought it might be perfect for us, and, gotta admit she may be right. Want to know what you think."

     Taking a sip of wine, Jensen then gave Jared a quick peck on the side of his neck. "I'll go check it out."

**~ ~ ~**

     Jensen pulled up his e-mail and there it was. Following various links, he went over the specs and perused the photos. After the last several suggestions Mama Padalecki sent, Jensen had been almost afraid to look. But this one…Jensen was in agreement with his husband.

     One year from the day the Convict Proprietor Contract between him and Jared had ended – no longer CP and PSC, but simply and wonderfully wedded husbands – they'd begun their search for a home.

     Jared had wanted to wait a solid year as a free man. Time served for his crime of being a martyr to protect his little brother done and over. No paperwork binding him to Jensen beyond those of their marriage – which bound them to each other equally. Jensen couldn't blame him. He'd known Jared needed that time. Both the freedom, and the security. Putting to rest that tiny, little niggle he knew Jared had, that somehow things would change between them once the contract had run its course.  
     Things had, actually. Only for the better though. Jared had been free to come and go as he pleased, even outside the city limits – without Jensen in tow. They'd been able to transfer Jared's studio solely into his name, which Jensen insisted upon. Jared had argued for it to be a joint holding, while Jensen demanded it was Jared's – always had been – and with it finally permissible they were damn well putting it to rights.

     One year, four months, and twenty-seven houses had passed since the first home they'd looked at. It had been the only one they were fairly certain wouldn't be right. An open house they'd driven by after leaving the Courts, the ink barely dry on their ending CP Contracts, and more a symbolic gesture than anything.   
     The two of them had been talking about a house for years, knowing once Jared was ready, they'd want a real home together. Not that they didn't both love the loft, they'd made incredible memories there. But there were bad ones as well. It would be good to leave those behind, and find a place they could grow into.  
     They'd discussed it at length. Compiled their “Wish Lists” – divided into must haves and simple wants – meeting in the middle on several points. After the twentieth house – there always being something that just didn't quite click – they'd come to the conclusion they might have to look into building. Agreed that if they walked away from house thirty, the next call would be to a contractor.  
     Jensen had a feeling they wouldn't need to make that call, and instead put one in to their realtor to set up a time to view house twenty-nine. If it proved to be as perfect as it appeared to be, him and Jared would be sending Mama Padalecki a _massive_ bouquet of flowers!

     With Jensen in his office, and Jared in the kitchen, a loud knock on the door echoed through the loft. "I got it," both men called, chuckling as they met at the front door and opened it.

     Brett stood in the doorway, ear to ear smile splitting his face and a bottle of Perrier-Jouët held out in front of him. "You guys ready for this? I found her!"

     There wasn't even a three-second delay between Brett's exclamation and Jensen's heart feeling like it would beat out of his chest. He reached around and clutched at the hand Jared had clamped on his shoulder as he tried to find his voice, "You…you're for real?"

     Snorting, Brett pushed past the seemingly frozen men and made his way to the sofa, calling out over his shoulder, "Like I'd spring for this if I wasn't one hundred percent. You know how cheap I am."

     Jared reached around Jensen and closed the door. Lips pressed to his ear, Jared whispered, "You ready for this?"

     Jensen turned in Jared's arms, eyes locking with warm, sparkling hazel and searching. "Are you?"

     Smiling at one another, they both bobbed their heads excitedly in unison.

     "Come on, you two saps, get something to put this bubbly in and sit your asses down so I can tell you about her."

     Hurrying into the kitchen, Jared took the stir-fry off the burner while Jensen pulled out the champagne flutes. In a few short minutes they were joining Brett.

     With Jensen and Jared sitting pressed back to chest on one end of the sofa, Brett cleared his throat as he handed them a few photos of a young woman – dark ash-blonde hair and lively, deep blue eyes. "Leslie Bishop. She's nineteen. Will be twenty in July."

     "What did she do, Brett?" Jensen asked, both wary and anxious in wanting to know what light her crime may shed on her character.

     "Protest gone bad. The campus police were about to use a baton on her girlfriend, and she kinda lost it. Smacked one of the men with her protest sign and socked the other in the jaw."

     "Damn! She doesn't have a history of violence, does she?" Jared questioned.

     "No-no. This was a peaceful demonstration, trying to keep the bulldozer from the old campus library. One bad apple started getting rowdy, and security, well, they went on the defensive. Several witnesses, including a couple other guards, said neither Leslie or her girlfriend, Tessa, were doing anything wrong. It was chaos though. Leslie told me, and the courts, that while she knew it would be a mandatory sentence for striking law enforcement, she couldn't let them hurt Tessa."

     Jensen shook his head, mouth contorting into a solemn frown. "How long did she get?"

     "A year. The judge was as lenient as he could be."

     Jared shook his head. "That's just–"

     "Shitty," Jensen interjected. "And I assume this affects her schooling?"

     "If she serves out her time in prison, absolutely. If she goes with Personal Servitude, and her CP allows, she can take some of her courses via the Internet," Brett paused, taking a drink of his champagne. "And before you ask, physics major. She's a genius. IQ probably higher than the three of us put together. Only reason she wasn't in Grad School at twelve was because she wanted to be a 'normal' kid."

     "What have you told her about us?" Jared asked, once again shuffling through her photos.

     "Nothing. Not yet. If you ask me, this is it. She's meant for the both of you. But I didn't want to step out of line and go getting her hopes up. All I told her was I had a few people in mind who might be interested in offering a Convict Proprietor Contract for her."

     Jensen hummed his approval, glad Brett had held back. He and Jared were of the mind that when meeting a perspective PSC, they wanted to make their first impressions personally. Thinking of the call he'd just made, Jensen quickly wondered at the possibility… In the same day, finding the perfect house as well as… "And she's aware–"

     "That she may be wanted as a surrogate? Yes. Leslie said she'd have to know more about the prospective parents before she'd agree to that, but she's entirely open to making the most of this. Potentially turning a negative into a positive by helping a couple who can't have a baby."

     Jared propped his chin on Jensen's shoulder. "She's awfully young, but… What do you think?"

     Brett spoke up before Jensen could reply, "The call is obviously one you both have to make, but at least meet her. Make her a video telling her about yourselves, your lives, and if you feel comfortable leave it with her. I probably shouldn't be so presumptuous, but, guys, I'm tellin' ya, this is your girl. The young woman that is going to make you daddies. I just know it."

     Jensen gazed at the photo Jared had left on top. The young woman sitting bareback on a white and brown paint horse, tan legs sticking out from cutoff, denim shorts, and her long hair in a side braid. "Leslie Bishop," the name rolled over his lips quietly, thoughtfully.

     "She's smart…and pretty," Jared mumbled against Jensen's ear.

     "Healthy. Willing, but not without stipulations," Jensen added, turning to look into Jared's eyes. He found his whole world there, in hazel-blue depths that radiated a love Jensen could feel embracing him without a single physical touch. All the affection, humor, trust, care, and friendship Jared had graced Jensen with, and the promise of a life rich with the love and joy of family. Their family.

     Brett watched the two men for a few moments, before draining his glass in one gulp and snorting in smug amusement. "I'll schedule the first meeting in the morning. Should be able to get you in to see her in the afternoon, next day at the latest. Just remember when you're holding your new baby, who the bestest uncle in the world is!"

**~ J & J ~**

The ~~End~~ …

**Author's End Notes:::**

January 2019::: Pulled this out and brushed it up, some minor edits, to fiiiiinaly post to AO3. (Minor edits to the PDF as well.) Going over it, I realize should I ever manage (Muse tapping foot and glaring, " ** _When_** you manage!") to turn this into a novel there are some major changes to be made – beyond the obvious changing of names. I hope, for now, this will still bring some reading enjoyment as is.

As to the "Coincidence or Kismet" question I pose below in the original notes… … …   
No such thing as coincidence, right, Mister???

**Author's Story Notes and Gratitude:** This started as a prompt I had no idea how I was going to fill. The idea of "slave fic" was so entirely not my cup'a, but then Muse posed the question… "What if you did it your way?" I was intrigued. The story was only meant to be a short fill, but steadily became so much more – something entirely different.  
Though at times a raging pain in the ass, and often downright gut wrenching, this has been an amazing journey Muse has led me on with these characters.

I felt I should mention, that while I've never been to New York, NY, it was fun having Muse drag me along (i.e., research) with this Jensen and Jared. I hope I do the grand city no disservice.

 

_**Comments (and Kudos) are very appreciated and highly adored!!! Absolutely ALL con-crit is desired as well!**_

 

Beta'd by: My darlin' Lyl. lylithj2, with me since my very first fic…couldn't have done it without her. So much love for this woman!!!

Art Work by gassadaa. A wonderful and truly gifted woman and artist I am in complete awe of, her previous work earning her, "Favorite SPN Artist" status with me – well before she claimed my fic! To have her gorgeous and astounding work highlighting my story… There are simply no words to express my elation and gratitude. She was an utter joy to work with!   
PLEASE! Be sure to visit her LJ and give her the praise she deserves!!!

Mass quantities of thanks and adoration must go out to wendy and thehighwaywoman for all of their hard work in running this yearly challenge. As a writer, I'm grateful for the opportunity to participate in something so widely anticipated by fanfic readers. And as a fellow reader, I appreciate them hosting an event that produces some of the very best writing the Supernatural Fandom has to offer.  
All my best to you both!!!

I didn't require too much hand-holding for this one, but when I did, I could always count on certain f-listies to be there…especially a_phoenixdragon. Even when her own world is crumbling around her, that astounding woman is _NEVER_ without a kind word!  
dpravedsocmonky was probably the one to take the brunt of this. From enduring my, "It's not good enough!" meltdowns, to refraining from throwing things at me with my repetitive "past vs passed" issues (which I _STILL_ suck at), he either used reverse logic on me – or just made me laugh – and passively kept his faith in me. I hope he enjoys this when he finally reads it, and doesn't have to _honestly_ tell me I suck! LOL

I've always wished I could draw. I can't. Occasionally things come along that make me yearn all the more for that talent, and when Muse came up with the idea for Jared to photograph Jensen… It's stupid, but I had a hard time letting go of the disappoint that in all probability I'd never see those photos in any form beyond my words. The real Jensen sure as hell wasn't ever going to be posing for them, and the likelihood of me getting an artist who could pull off anything even close? Yeah, right.  
When Gassada sent me the triptych of Jensen in that scene…I cried. Despite words being what I'm good at, I will never find the right ones to express my awe and gratitude to her. She gave me my beautiful and breathtaking photos.

 

Lastly… Coincidence. I'm an avid fan of the enigmatic little – or sometimes big – things. They tend to remind me there is so much more going on behind all that we see and perceive in the world.  
Though I had a general impression of when certain things happened – a particular month or season – I made no set time frame for this story…that is until Muse insisted on giving the guys Christmas. I argued with Muse that it wouldn't work – how it couldn't _possibly_ fit the timeline…or even the story! Muse simply demanded I write, so I did.   
Happy with how it _did_ work with the plot, I was still unsettled over the time frame issue. So, I created a Timeline. To my amazement, everything was perfectly in place with how I'd imagined it, and Muse had been right…Christmas worked.  
Then, on a whim, I went a step further and Googled the calendar for 2087. I was speechless. Things I'd imagined with a specific date falling on a certain day? All lined up. Including…Christmas.

_**Coincidence… Or Kismet???** _

**Bound By Kismet**

_Soundtrack_

I really didn't have any particular songs in mind while writing this, however during edits a few began to strike a cord. Once I was fairly certain I would make a soundtrack (indulging my inner 12-yr-old…and thereby others *wink*), it became a challenge of sorts to see if I could find a song (or in some instances, two) that fit the feel of each chapter with both melody and a good sum of the lyrics. I believe I did a fairly reasonable job of it, though some of the chapters certainly fought me! This list of songs is as eclectic as my own taste in music, but I kinda think that works for this story.

Back Back Train by Aerosmith

Enter Sandman by Metallica

Master & Slave by KISS

A Beautiful Lie by 30 Seconds To Mars

Sycamore Trees by Jimmy Scott

Hurricane by 30 Seconds To Mars

Close My Eyes Forever by Lita Ford & Ozzy Osbourne

Sacred Tongue by Rival Sons

The Flame by The Black Keys 

November Rain by Guns N' Roses 

Keep Holding On by Avril Lavigne

The Lengths by The Black Keys

The Chipmunk Song by The Chipmunks

Long Cold Winter by Cinderella

November Rain by David Garrett (Guns N' Roses)

(Instrumental)

Bittersweet by Apocalyptica

I Won't Give Up by Jason Mraz

Love Song by Ofra Haza

Baby Now by Nichole Alden

Everlasting Light by The Black Keys


End file.
